Who I Am, What I Believe In
This will be the second entry I've made in this journal. It's been a long time coming, and there's alot to say, so I hope you're interested. I ask anyone who thinks they know me well to read it though.
So much has happened in the time since I last wrote here that it's somewhat mind boggling. I think I have grown tremendously, and become more of the person that I want to be for the rest of my life. Overall, I am extremely happy and confident in who I am, in a way that I have not been for a long time.
Since the last time I wrote this journal, alot's changed. I've lost people who were close to me, and gained new friends that have changed my life for the better. When last I wrote here, I worked for Performance Electronics. My first true full time job, it was a huge leap for me. 21 years old and I was working in a place where I was the only one in the company without a marriage or a house and still in college. And though it was a financially rewarding job, it was a job that would lead me on a path that I know I would rather not walk. It would turn me into someone I don't want to be. I value the lessons I learned there, but I am glad I left. Now I've worked for Apple for over a year, and I have been truly blessed to have a good job, and be surrounded by good people who truly care about me as a co worker and as a friend.
Personally speaking, the last year has been interesting. I met the woman who I truly consider to be the love of my life. Jennifer Martina. For the first time ever, with her, I felt I had found someone who loved me as much as I loved them. Quite possibly the strongest woman I've ever known, this is a woman I have regarded as both friend and confidante, and lover.
Things have changed over time, and she no longer feels for me as I feel for her. Though she still cares for me, we are no longer lovers. I will not pretend to, and I don't think I will ever understand how feelings change the way they do sometimes with people. Perhaps it was the distance, perhaps it was the turbulence of her life, perhaps it was just that I don't work out enough, but regardless, things have changed. And as I told my friend Jim, sometimes there's no reason why, and I will learn to be ok with that.
I need to stop finding reasons for things to be the way they are, and realize that it is through no fault of my own that I lost Jen as a lover. It wasn't that I wasn't there for her, or I mistreated her, her feelings have just changed. A part of me will perhaps always wonder if things will change again, and if me and Jen still have a future together, but for now, I will avoid that type of thinking. It's not practical, and it's not me. I don't deal in ifs, or maybes, or wishes, they do noone ANY good.
For now, I will continue to treasure her for what she is; one of my closest and dearest friends.
This is what I believe.
I believe in God. But I know I must also believe in myself, and that at the end of the day, it is I who am responsible for my fate. Man MUST be held accountable for his own actions, and we have to realize that it is our choices that define us and make us who we are. Fate put us here, wherever we are, but our choices took over from there.
I believe in duality. My father is my father, but he is also my hero, and my closest friend. The same for my mother, and for my twin sister who I love with all of my heart. I define a close friend as, among other traits, someone who will be there for you when you need them to be. They may not understand you, they may not know what to say to you, but they will always be there to help you when you need them to. I believe you cannot be a good boyfriend to someone without being their friend first. You have to be able to be there for them as their friend.
It is in my nature to love, and to love unconditionally. I thank my father and mother for that, and though it is my choice to be true to that nature, it was them who raised me to be this way. I will never allow myself to think that my loving with all of my heart is a bad thing. This is who I am.
For those that took the time to read this, I thank you sincerely. I will try to make more entries in here in the future.
-Joey
So much has happened in the time since I last wrote here that it's somewhat mind boggling. I think I have grown tremendously, and become more of the person that I want to be for the rest of my life. Overall, I am extremely happy and confident in who I am, in a way that I have not been for a long time.
Since the last time I wrote this journal, alot's changed. I've lost people who were close to me, and gained new friends that have changed my life for the better. When last I wrote here, I worked for Performance Electronics. My first true full time job, it was a huge leap for me. 21 years old and I was working in a place where I was the only one in the company without a marriage or a house and still in college. And though it was a financially rewarding job, it was a job that would lead me on a path that I know I would rather not walk. It would turn me into someone I don't want to be. I value the lessons I learned there, but I am glad I left. Now I've worked for Apple for over a year, and I have been truly blessed to have a good job, and be surrounded by good people who truly care about me as a co worker and as a friend.
Personally speaking, the last year has been interesting. I met the woman who I truly consider to be the love of my life. Jennifer Martina. For the first time ever, with her, I felt I had found someone who loved me as much as I loved them. Quite possibly the strongest woman I've ever known, this is a woman I have regarded as both friend and confidante, and lover.
Things have changed over time, and she no longer feels for me as I feel for her. Though she still cares for me, we are no longer lovers. I will not pretend to, and I don't think I will ever understand how feelings change the way they do sometimes with people. Perhaps it was the distance, perhaps it was the turbulence of her life, perhaps it was just that I don't work out enough, but regardless, things have changed. And as I told my friend Jim, sometimes there's no reason why, and I will learn to be ok with that.
I need to stop finding reasons for things to be the way they are, and realize that it is through no fault of my own that I lost Jen as a lover. It wasn't that I wasn't there for her, or I mistreated her, her feelings have just changed. A part of me will perhaps always wonder if things will change again, and if me and Jen still have a future together, but for now, I will avoid that type of thinking. It's not practical, and it's not me. I don't deal in ifs, or maybes, or wishes, they do noone ANY good.
For now, I will continue to treasure her for what she is; one of my closest and dearest friends.
This is what I believe.
I believe in God. But I know I must also believe in myself, and that at the end of the day, it is I who am responsible for my fate. Man MUST be held accountable for his own actions, and we have to realize that it is our choices that define us and make us who we are. Fate put us here, wherever we are, but our choices took over from there.
I believe in duality. My father is my father, but he is also my hero, and my closest friend. The same for my mother, and for my twin sister who I love with all of my heart. I define a close friend as, among other traits, someone who will be there for you when you need them to be. They may not understand you, they may not know what to say to you, but they will always be there to help you when you need them to. I believe you cannot be a good boyfriend to someone without being their friend first. You have to be able to be there for them as their friend.
It is in my nature to love, and to love unconditionally. I thank my father and mother for that, and though it is my choice to be true to that nature, it was them who raised me to be this way. I will never allow myself to think that my loving with all of my heart is a bad thing. This is who I am.
For those that took the time to read this, I thank you sincerely. I will try to make more entries in here in the future.
-Joey