Don't read this if you don't want to hear about shit you probably don't give a rat's ass about . . .
Including this time, I say rat's 3 times in this post . . . even that remninds me of her . . .
I fucked up.
I stopped reading. Everything. I haven't read a book, or any part of a book since we broke up. I was in the middle of reading Wicked, which she gave me. I want to finish it, but I can't. It is so amazing how many things remind you of a person, once you lose them. As soon as we broke up all I wanted to do was give her everything back that I had ever gotten from her. The notes, the pictures . . . everything. I got back home and saw her, and I just couldn't do it. All the pain that I had been going through, I saw that she had been going through also. And although I knew what she had been going through it, it wasn't the same as seeing it. I started to really think about it all. About how I would have felt had she been the one to come to me and give me back everything that I had ever given her. I would have been torn apart inside, because it would show that she was trying to get rid of every part of me. And I never want to get rid of any part of her. I'm keeping everything, unless she wants any of it back. I'm willing to do whatever she wants.
We talked. I still can’t give a completely definite reason as to why I did it. I know it sounds like bullshit, but I don’t really know completely why I did it. And I don’t really know how I was able to just let myself do something like that. I let my hormones get in the way of my thoughts and my true feelings. It just makes me feel so much anger towards myself. Everyone tells me to stop beating myself up about it, and it’ll be ok. But its not ok. I’m not ok. She’s not ok. How is it that its ok, if both of those statements are true? Or at least I have the impression that she’s not completely ok. Everyone I have talked to has told me to give it some time, it will get better. I hate waiting. Everyone knows that. I want to make everything better right now. What I did was wrong, I know it. It has caused me to do some serious thinking. I will NEVER do this to anyone EVER again. I can’t deal with hurting someone like this. Not again. Or hurting myself like this again. I mean, how would you feel if you screwed something up that you knew, had you not done something wrong, everything would be fine? Exactly. And I know that if I had the chance, and if I ever do get the chance by some miracle, I would go back in time and change what I did. That night would have never happened. Or if I was ever given a chance with her again, I would let nothing stop me from making her the happiest person alive. Really thats still all I want. Her to be happy. And I know it is impossible to go back, and I just have to move on and try to repair things from here, but it is just so hard. It hurts so much. And I miss her and am going to miss her so much. I'm going to miss her saying, "cheer up emo kid." I miss her calling me a drama queen. Both of which she said yesterday when I talked to her. I miss talking to her. I miss hugging her. I miss holding her. I miss making stupid, unfunny jokes and having her call me retarded. I miss her commenting on my "dumb" shirts. If I would have known I was going to see her yesterday I would have made sure to wear one of them. I miss her smell. I miss her touch. I just miss her. I love her. That will never change.
I gave her back her school ring. She came to my house to give me my ring back, and forgot the ring. Good old Ashley. Hasn’t changed a bit. Its great. Just makes it a lot harder. It would have been easier had she come home completely different. The only other thing that I was set on giving her back was our Best Friends Forever, Best Friends Forever, RING! I gave both of the rings to her. She handed me the friendship ring back. I’m glad she gave it back. I really hope that we can at the very least work up our friendship again. I want her to know how much I care about her. And I want to be there for her. And I want to see her happy. Even if its not with me. I will do anything in my power to see that she is never that upset again, once she can trust me again. I got her a Christmas present before we broke up. I’m pretty sure she still has no clue what it is. Everyone keeps asking me what I’m going to do with it, since we are no longer together. I tell everyone the same thing. I bought the present for her. It was not meant for anyone else. It will not be given to anyone else. I will give her the Christmas present as if nothing had happened. Because in my eyes, it is already hers. I couldn’t see giving it to anyone else. Of course some people think its stupid of me to think that way. But I'm gonna think the way I want to, and nobody is going to sway me, I'm too stubborn. Especially on this issue.
So today I found out I’m not the only person in my family to ever do something like this. Apparently I was too young to realize this, but my brother cheated on my sister-in-law during his first year away at college. He ended up moving to where she went to college, partially to prove to her that he wanted to be with her. They worked it out to finally get married. If they can do that then I’m hoping I won’t have an enormous problem just becoming friends with Ashley again. I do find that her and Erin are similar in many ways. I don’t know. But there’s hope at least. I’m going to have to talk to my brother. See exactly what he did, and how he proved to Erin that she could trust him again after this happened. I need her to trust me again. I wish I could just hold her in my arms right now and tell her that everything is going to be alright. Or that she would hold me in her arms and tell me that everything is going to be alright. She used to come to me to hold her. Now, because of me, she needs someone else to hold her.
I think I’m done for now . . . I just needed to vent. Like the title said, you shouldn’t have read this if you didn't want to hear about shit that you probably don’t give a rat's ass about . . . So I don't feel sorry for anyone that read this.
::shrug:: Sorry for being blunt, but I'm going to try something new and be as completely honest as I can from now on. No matter what happens, I'm going to be as honest and faithful, and loyal as I can be, to everyone and anyone that I know, and especially to the ones that I love. Like a very wise person once said, "Honesty is not the best policy, it is the only policy." I know for sure that it would have helped to follow that here.
Well you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them I guess, right?
This is going to be difficult . . . but I'm willing to do anything and everything I can in order to fix whatever I can . . .