Yeah . . .
It has been so long since I last wrote in this thing. I was done with it, I hate writing in this thing. I hate myself more right now than I have for the past few months. I didn't tell her the truth. It was stupid of me. But I can't go back now. Its over, we said goodbye today, it was the most heart breaking thing I have ever had to right next to having to bury Mike. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like part of me is missing. Everything in my dorm room reminds me of her. I had to take off the bracelet she got me in Italy because I can't bear to look at it anymore. My wrist feels bare. All I wanna do right now is roll up in a ball on my bed and cry until there are no tears left. I've lost my appetite. I've lost my will to do anything. I've lost my better half. I ruined the best thing that will ever happen to me. She said that she hopes I will move on and find someone else. Its not possible to find someone else like her. She was perfect for me, and I blew it. I don't know why I did such a stupid thing. And then lied about it. Let this be a lesson to anyone, don't lie, you just fuck yourself over in the end. And just in case Dan reads this (which I doubt) I'm sorry I got pissed at you. Thank you for telling her everything, its something I should have done in the beginning. I promised her I wouldn't hurt myself. She has nothing to worry about there, I don't like pain. Or blood. It wouldn't matter anyway, nothing right now could hurt more than I am already hurting. This is one mistake that I will be regretting for the rest of my life. And I have now learned to never lie to someone you care about. And I plan on never lying to anyone ever again. I know most of you probably hate me for doing this to Ashley. Thank you, seriously. You should hate me. I didn't treat her as the princess that I told her she was to me, and I hurt her. Bad. I hate myself for doing it. And as I have said almost as many times as I've said I'm sorry, I wish I could just take it back. But its apparent that there is no taking anything back. I really fucked myself this time. And I can't blame this on anyone else. Anyone that I have gotten angry with because of anything that has happened, I am sorry, I was just upset, and I hope that someday you can forgive me, at least somewhat. I hope we can at least become friends again sometime in the future . . .