LMFAO!!!!!!
Snow White's New Camera
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.
"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!).
After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.
"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they still had not returned! Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at the counter.
The clerk, trying to console her, (and wanting to relax the other customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they didn't bolt from the store) said kindly, .
"Don't worry, Dear... Someday your prints will come."
Confusing The Border Guards
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
Actual Signs
Advertised on the side of a city bus:
"Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."
Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was: "Arts Degrees - please take one."
In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said:
"Closed for the Holidays".
Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate:
"If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"
Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta:
"We Have Japanese Body Parts!"
A Testing Question
This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"
He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."
She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"
He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"
and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid $2,000 for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
He says, "Oh no, she's left handed."
President Bush . . . Is That You?
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with silver hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.
"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!).
After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.
"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they still had not returned! Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at the counter.
The clerk, trying to console her, (and wanting to relax the other customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they didn't bolt from the store) said kindly, .
"Don't worry, Dear... Someday your prints will come."
Confusing The Border Guards
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
Actual Signs
Advertised on the side of a city bus:
"Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."
Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was: "Arts Degrees - please take one."
In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said:
"Closed for the Holidays".
Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate:
"If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"
Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta:
"We Have Japanese Body Parts!"
A Testing Question
This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"
He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."
She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"
He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"
and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid $2,000 for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
He says, "Oh no, she's left handed."
President Bush . . . Is That You?
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with silver hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President.
"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"