Is this thing still on?
So, it's been a while. Around a year and a half, actually. This is pretty much par for the course with me. I like to disappear and neglect my journal for long stretches of time. The people that used to read this stupid thing probably don't even bother anymore. I'll likely get zippy comments on this post. I'm okay with that. This whole thing is about a fresh start. Well, freshish. I was going to just start a new account from scratch, but that seemed to me to be a terrible amount of work. So instead I made private the posts that don't need to be out there for everyone to read, and I'm going to start this over from scratch. Even though there's going to be posts from way the hell back in 2004. This is me starting from scratch, damn it.
What's happened since October? Tammy and I split a year ago, and I promptly moved back to Baltimore. I've had some ups and downs since I've come home. I've reconnected with my completely amazing group of friends from high school, and as pathetic as it sounds that my main group of friends is the same group of friends I had 10 years ago, I'm really happy that I've been able to get close to these people again as adults, rather than whiny, angsty teens. Okay, maybe I was the angsty teen. Whatever. They're a group of people that I don't want to be without. So Page, Kari, Dusita, Abby, Becca, Trina, Jess, and anyone else that I didn't mention... thanks for still being amazing people, and thanks for still loving me as a person, regardless of my screw-ups or how I've gotten to where I'm at now. Not that any of you will probably end up reading this.
I worked a really awesome job up until November, when I got laid off. My new job is an... interesting challenge. I'll get more into it as time goes on. I WAS a travel agent. Now I'm a dispatcher for a limousine company. It has its ups and downs, just like any other job out there I suppose. I wish I was closer with the people I worked with, like I was at Liberty Travel... but I can't honestly see myself getting close to them at all. So it goes.
I think the biggest thing that has changed about me over the past year and a half is my willingness and ability to open myself up to people and let those people get close to me. And sure, part of it's out of fear. Part of it's not wanting to get hurt again. Part of it's worrying that I'm going to be a trainwreck in a relationship right now... there are things that I've discovered about me in the past year... things that I used to give up for other people routinely that I'm just not prepared to sacrifice anymore. Fuck you, I'm watching my fucking baseball game. Fuck you, I'm going to the movies with whoever I damn well please. Fuck you, I'll watch whatever movie or TV show I want to watch, and fuck no, I'm not watching Grey's Anatomy or whatever bullshit is on. I might watch porn if I feel like it. I might decide to try pot again. I might decide to get black-out drunk for no good reason. I might spontaneously decide to go away for the weekend, and I might not even tell a soul aside from my grandparents (whom I live with) where I'm going or when I'll be back. That thing I used to give up for other people that I've discovered over the last year? That thing is me, or at least my identity as an individual. At this point, I enjoy the things that I enjoy, and I'm not going to bend that or change that for anyone. I used to think that "compromise" was necessary for a relationship, and perhaps it is. But not that kind of compromise. Not compromising myself and the things that make me happy as J.D. (or Joe, depending on who's reading this and what you call me). Yeah, I'm getting back to the point where I'm considering letting someone else into my world, but it's going to be on my terms. They're going to like me for me this time, and not for who I try to dress myself up to be. You can call me a lot of things these days, but "needy" and "clingy" aren't going to be on the list.
I really can't wallow, though. Despite how lonely I may feel sometimes, I fully recognize that it was my choices and my decisions that led me to where I am right now. I'm comfortable with that. I'm honestly not sure I would've gone another path. I managed not rush things or jump too soon into them, and that alone is a huge improvement for me. I may not be fantastic at standing on my own, but I'm not the guy that needs a crutch to hold himself up, either.
Not me, not anymore.
What's happened since October? Tammy and I split a year ago, and I promptly moved back to Baltimore. I've had some ups and downs since I've come home. I've reconnected with my completely amazing group of friends from high school, and as pathetic as it sounds that my main group of friends is the same group of friends I had 10 years ago, I'm really happy that I've been able to get close to these people again as adults, rather than whiny, angsty teens. Okay, maybe I was the angsty teen. Whatever. They're a group of people that I don't want to be without. So Page, Kari, Dusita, Abby, Becca, Trina, Jess, and anyone else that I didn't mention... thanks for still being amazing people, and thanks for still loving me as a person, regardless of my screw-ups or how I've gotten to where I'm at now. Not that any of you will probably end up reading this.
I worked a really awesome job up until November, when I got laid off. My new job is an... interesting challenge. I'll get more into it as time goes on. I WAS a travel agent. Now I'm a dispatcher for a limousine company. It has its ups and downs, just like any other job out there I suppose. I wish I was closer with the people I worked with, like I was at Liberty Travel... but I can't honestly see myself getting close to them at all. So it goes.
I think the biggest thing that has changed about me over the past year and a half is my willingness and ability to open myself up to people and let those people get close to me. And sure, part of it's out of fear. Part of it's not wanting to get hurt again. Part of it's worrying that I'm going to be a trainwreck in a relationship right now... there are things that I've discovered about me in the past year... things that I used to give up for other people routinely that I'm just not prepared to sacrifice anymore. Fuck you, I'm watching my fucking baseball game. Fuck you, I'm going to the movies with whoever I damn well please. Fuck you, I'll watch whatever movie or TV show I want to watch, and fuck no, I'm not watching Grey's Anatomy or whatever bullshit is on. I might watch porn if I feel like it. I might decide to try pot again. I might decide to get black-out drunk for no good reason. I might spontaneously decide to go away for the weekend, and I might not even tell a soul aside from my grandparents (whom I live with) where I'm going or when I'll be back. That thing I used to give up for other people that I've discovered over the last year? That thing is me, or at least my identity as an individual. At this point, I enjoy the things that I enjoy, and I'm not going to bend that or change that for anyone. I used to think that "compromise" was necessary for a relationship, and perhaps it is. But not that kind of compromise. Not compromising myself and the things that make me happy as J.D. (or Joe, depending on who's reading this and what you call me). Yeah, I'm getting back to the point where I'm considering letting someone else into my world, but it's going to be on my terms. They're going to like me for me this time, and not for who I try to dress myself up to be. You can call me a lot of things these days, but "needy" and "clingy" aren't going to be on the list.
I really can't wallow, though. Despite how lonely I may feel sometimes, I fully recognize that it was my choices and my decisions that led me to where I am right now. I'm comfortable with that. I'm honestly not sure I would've gone another path. I managed not rush things or jump too soon into them, and that alone is a huge improvement for me. I may not be fantastic at standing on my own, but I'm not the guy that needs a crutch to hold himself up, either.
Not me, not anymore.