(no subject)
my day, or these past 2 days have been total hell for me. there's so much stress and tension within this lame-o excuse for a home. im in pain (both physical, and emotional), and no one seems to care, and the people who might care, im not letting them know about it, cuz i dont want them to worry. my mom tries to lay a serious guilt trip on me for shit that isnt even my fault! grr! they both try their hardest to make my life miserable, and guess what? it works! they take away everything that's meaningful to me. now my dads being an ass and has started lying to me AND telling me that i cant talk to jon anymore for a while, until jons allowed to talk to me. why the hell should i be punished? theres no reason for this punishment. i havent done shit, yet hes punishing me. its bullshit. im sorry, but it is! actually, im not sorry. i have nothing to be sorry for, tey keep getting all hbt on my ass for N O T H I NG! it's their damn fault they're not going on their "trip", and i dont know why they're taking it out on me. i dont even think im going to jons party this weekend. i really wanted to go so i can meet everyone, but NO, my parents had to get all butt hurt for stuff that isnt even MY FAULT, and not let me go. i'll try doing more convincing as the time gets closer. to top things off, my frens having trouble realizing that she's a beutiful person and that she really is liked by a lot of people, more people than me, but then again...i know people dont like me, and it doesnt bother me as much as it used to...it actually doesnt bother me at all right now. also, im kind of in denial on the whole yvonne-leaving us deal. i know its happening, but it just hasnt hit me yet. it proly won't hit me until next year and i have no one to share a locker with. its gonna be so sad without her there. she's just such a fun and wonderful person, and im gonna miss laughing at her, and being abusive towards her (lol). but yeah... we're still gonna hang out! most definetley. but anywho, back to my other fren, (n she proly will read this), she's such an awesome person who just needs to realize taht there's more to life than being liked. ms. busser read from her little booklet the other day and it said that you don't have to be liked by everyone. not everyone will like you, and it's true. you shouldn't focus too much on who doesn't like you, because then you make those who do care feel like they're not enough. honestly, i feel ike im not enough for my one fren because she's always telling me how no one likes her, which is bullshit, because i know for a fact that people love her and say she's so nice n sweet, and all that good caca. so yeah...got that out of the way. i need to find a way to deal with the parents. at this point, i feel like i can do nothing right with them. i've been doing everything im supposed to when it should be done, doing little favors for them, beign reasonably nice, or just being cordial, at least, and i still get treated like shit. i'm seriously getting sick off all this. i am unhappy here. i dont give a shit whether or not they buy me things, i just want to feel like they care, and that they want me to be happy. they only want me to get good grades so they can show off to their "friends" what a good job they did in raising their neice and how well she's doing and all that bullshit. it's times like this where i feel like not living here. i really want to move out, however, if i do move out, my only remaing option is just as bad (plus it stinks). i would be going against everything i've fought for if i left this place. i should just consider emancipation. me n priscilla can work and pay ourselves through school, and live in an apartment, or i can just move in with her. i dont understand why they go through these phases where they enjoy torturing their daughter, who is alreayd under a lot of stress and pressure with her school crap. if anyone ever takes the time to read this (and i doubt they will), please, give me some kind of ounce of consolation, or at least give me some kind of advice, im so lost right now. the only thing im sure of is my love for some guy...what's his name again? oh yeah...jeremy? jacob? joel? joshua? christopher? james?...JONATHAN! (jm, u know i love you babe!). but honestly, the only light in my life right now. if it wasn't for that light, i'd be an emotional vegetable and would be considering things i've promised i wouldnt consider, but considering that my light is being shaded by outside forces, im beginning to reconsider those things again...they're lookin pretty good at a time like this. but a promise is a promise, let's see how well i hold up.