Useless ramblings
I don’t know what to do anymore. I used to be happy all the time. Everyone liked me. They still do. But I am not happy that much anymore. Well at least lately I haven’t been. For some reason I have been sadder about my dad and everything right now then I was when he died. And everything is getting to me. My mom wanted me to clean my room 6 months ago but I kept putting it off and doing other things with friends and stuff. Cause I don’t do anything with my friends then they will be mad at me and say that I was ditching them for Scott when actually it was to clean my room. Well I was going to clean my room last week. Started it on Monday told my stepfather that I would come back Wednesday and I didn’t cause I thought I had school, but I didn’t. so I showed up to burkes and was with her until about 8. The next day mom called and asked me why I didn’t show up the day before and I said cause I was supposed to have school. And she told me that my father already started to clean my room. And there is private stuff in my room that I don’t want him to see. I bet you can only guess what happened. He saw it. My privacy was very invaded. The plan was that I was going to go buy 3 huge tubs to put my stuff in so he didn’t see anything. So Friday I went to wal mart and got the tubs. Went home and put all my stuff in them. I looked around and saw that he packed my stuffed animals away. So I was crying, feeling like my family was kicking me out of my house. So while I was finishing, everything that I put in to the tubs I kept saying, “good bye dreams, good bye memories” I was so sad. I just kept crying. I found out on Wednesday that my stepfather has diabetes and my mom might have clots in her lungs. That added to the stress. I feel like I am falling. Without a safety net. There has been happiness though. I have been spending more time with Tara and Scott and I are doing well. I am having fun with Sarah burke too, and bebe burke. That feels like my family to me right now. Tara and Sarah Burke as my sisters, Scott as my soul mate, and Cole James as my nephew. Doesn’t that sound like a good family? I think so. I can tell Tara and Sarah anything. Cait is like my long distance sister. The ones that move to a different state but still is there for you. I can’t wait till she comes home. Then my family will be complete. I haven’t been close to my other friends that much. It’s been so long since I have seen Vicki. Becky and Shawna I haven’t talked to them in a long time. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with Kyla sometimes, but right now I feel like I have to all the time. I can’t do anything right with her. Like I have to report to her what I want to do and see if she says I can. So that I am not the first to do what she wants to do. I can’t even get flowers from Scott without her making me feel like shit. I don’t know what to do anymore. She probably doesn’t believe me when I say that I didn’t know that her and Erik were going to go to TR for her birthday lunch/dinner thing, but whatever I told her the truth. Sarah Somers, I said to her that I wouldn’t post anything in live journal anymore about her that is mean. And stupid me didn’t read everything and I posted a conversation that Scott and Sarah Burke had and there was some mean things said about Sarah Somers. And I count her as a friend. I fucked that up yet again. Scott’s life with her wasn’t hell or whatever. He was just hurt and sad when it ended just like every relationship with people. So when I actually read that it said stuff about Sarah Somers I took it off. But it was too late. I hope she can forgive me. I have slipped so far. I just need a vacation from everything and everyone. But that is money, money that I don’t have. The only thing that seems to keep me happy and from hurting people’s feelings is me driving, singing my music as loud as I can. I want to play music again. I have been wanting to, but I don’t have the money to get my sax back. I need a new truck. Its not a want. It is a need. That thing is taking so much money out of me. And it still isn’t fixed. I wish that I could get a pity vehicle, with pity money so I can pay the insurance on it. And have collision insurance. Not just liability. Another thing. Jen P. I don’t know what to say about her. I want to be there for her. But all others and I do is help her. When she can’t even help herself. So a lot of us actually stopped helping her. I still talk to her. She has been dating a guy for about 2 weeks now. And he wants to propose to her with a $25,000 ring. And she wanted me to take her to Portland to go look at wedding dresses at David’s bridal. And she was the one saying that I was moving fast by being engaged with Scott at are 6 month anniversary. I think 2 weeks beets me. Haha. I haven’t even looked face to face at wedding dresses. I have looked at wedding books. But I haven’t gone to a bridal place. Cause I still have 3 years till my wedding day is. But she did text me today to ask if I thought that it was too early for him to propose to her. And I said yes and she agreed. Good. 2 weeks is way too soon! I think that I am going to take a vacation. I can use the money that I got from Christmas. Just go to Florida and be with Joe. Have him go on rides at Disney with me. Haha. I miss Joe. Actually I am feeling better writing this. Even though this is for school. Writing. I think that it helps sometimes. If I could have one wish right now that would be that everyone was not mad at me and forgave me.
Thank you,
Jen Crate
JoelJenM@msn.com