Guilt - a Reality Check
I find it fascinating that even at this phase in my life I am still learning things about myself. In many ways, I guess that is a blessing, right? Each day brings the potential to learn something new! But what is this grand new self-revelation?
I naturally default - DEFAULT - to feeling guilty - even when I did absolutely nothing wrong.
I guess in a lot of ways, that isn’t really all that unusual for an ex-Catholic. After all, one of the very first things that Catholics are taught is how we are all sinful, and miserable, and unworthy of forgiveness, etc., etc., etc. But with me, the sense of feeling guilty - even when I did nothing wrong - goes beyond catechism and religious teachings. It goes back to childhood.
One of the extreme drawbacks to being born not just last in my immediate family, but last in the entire extended family generation, was being surrounded by so many older and bigger and intimidating people. Whether it was my parents, or my sisters, or my cousins, or my teachers, or my aunts and uncles, or our neighbors, or all the people coming into and out of the house; I was always surrounded by people who were older and bigger than I was. That in and of itself wasn’t a problem. But the problem was the amount of instructions I received. It was like everybody around me took on the role of parenting and checking me on my behavior. I’m sure everyone meant well. But, it messed me up. While I learned the rules and regulations of social politeness, I also learned to doubt myself - a lot. If in my head I had a conflict between how I naturally wished to react vs. how I believed The Adults told me to react, there really was no choice - I had to do what I was told. I had NO sense of believing in myself. As I grew older, this conflict grew more extreme, as I began to question myself more and more whenever there was a conflict between what I absolutely knew to be true in my heart versus being told by An Adult what to do or think. And for me, that was hard. It was subtle. But it is something that really messed up my self-confidence as a young adult - and I didn’t even know it was happening.
I know that my description of this issue comes across a bit confusing, so please allow me to illustrate an example. The other day, I remembered very clearly something that happened to me as a kid. I remember sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book. My mom and one of my sisters were there, and we were all having some quiet time. Then my father came in the door carrying a bag from the grocery store. He and my mom started having some sort of discussion that began turning into raised-voice arguing over something. I was so used to their regular bickering and yelling that it wasn’t at all unusual. And truthfully, I wasn’t paying much attention, anyway. I was really into my book. The next thing I knew, my dad was bent over the coffee table that was near me, and the grocery bag started to spill. I looked up from my book, and moved to try to catch the bag; and my dad looked at me with total anger on his face. He wouldn’t let me touch the bag. Instead, he quickly grabbed it all, stormed into the other room, and began yelling and cursing up a storm! You see… apparently after he and mom stopped arguing, he asked me to take the bag from him or something like that. I have NO idea what he actually asked me because I was nose-in-the-book and I did not even know that he called my name (if he even did). But no. My dad was CONVINCED that I was purposely ignoring him and disrespecting him. I looked up confused as could be, and my sister (I can’t remember which one), scolded me and said I deserved my dad’s wrath for my behavior. WTF? I told her that I didn’t hear him, but that was quickly dismissed by both mom and sister because if THEY heard him, clearly I had to have heard him. WTF? I felt such a swath of emotions. I felt angry because nobody would believe me. I felt scared because my dad was so angry. I felt betrayed. And I felt… guilty. Why? Because as the self-doubt came over me, I began to question myself and convince myself of the same thing The Adults were telling me. I began to think that maybe I really WAS the disrespectful person that they said that I was.
Dad called me into the other room. I felt paralyzed, but obediently went in. He was so angry he was shaking, and I felt terrified! But he kept his voice calm and asked why I did what I did. I told him plainly I didn’t hear him, and then he raised his voice saying that that was BULLSHIT because if both my mom and sister heard him, clearly I had to. So WHY did I not help him when he asked for help? My voice cracked. I didn’t know what to say. I began to cry. I opened my mouth, and noises came out. I really had no words. “You were disrespectful to me,” he said. “Yes,” I replied. He then went on for a little while about how rude and selfish I was. And the guild-takeover came over me as I simply agreed with him before being sent to my room in punishment. And there, alone in my room, I cried.
This was by far not the only episode in my childhood like this. It happened a lot. Now truthfully, I’m not complaining. For the most part, I had a happy childhood - truly. But events like this really did chip away not only at my self-esteem, but at my own sense of right and wrong. Whether The Adults in my life meant to do it or not, they taught me to question myself. And when others questioned me, it meant automatically that I was Wrong or At Fault or some other negative thing. And that carried with me into adulthood.
College was the WORST for this sort of a thing! As much as I enjoyed meeting new people and fresh faces, I experienced my share of conflicts with class-mates or co-workers made much worse by my own propensity to default to guilty. If at work something was not done (by somebody else) or someone other than me made a mess; and the manager mistakenly decided to yell at me for someone else’s goof; I stood there and took it. In my brain, I tried to rationalize it - maybe I really WAS at fault! I should have discovered the mess first so I could clean it up! I should have looked in that closet to notice that a bottle had spilled. I should have been more diligent; and maybe that thing would not have happened! And gods forbid, if a moody classmate heard half of something that I said out loud to person A and somehow thought I was saying something rude about them instead, I would catch an earful and spend the rest of the day feeling bad. I can’t even tell you how many countless times I have been on the receiving end of someone else’s wrath for something I didn’t even do!!!! And ya know the worst part, I didn’t even realize this was happening to me, because - this was normal. So yes, my own naturally-feeling-guilty behavior contributed a lot towards other people feeling comfortable using me as their whipping boy.
Well, at this point in my life, not only have I figured out that this type of crazy social interaction has plagued me my entire life, but that I have the power to change the outcome.
And starting right now - no longer will I take this kind of abuse.
I’m going to make a few new rules for myself and work hard to stick with them - for the rest of my life - for the betterment of my own peace of mind. Starting today, Joe, here are some new rules for life:
1. It isn’t automatically my fault just because someone else gets butt hurt. Prior to reacting, I will investigate. If I really did something wrong, I will apologize and work hard to fix the situation. (that isn’t different from yesterday) If it was a misunderstanding, I will offer an explanation. (that also isn’t different from yesterday) But after that, I will STOP! If the other person is actually an adult, they will accept the explanation and move on. Ideally, we will both laugh about it. (And that kind of thing has happened). But if they want to create drama and make a big issue where there need not be one, then b’bye.
2. Remember Joe…some people THRIVE on drama, and it is NOT my responsibility to fix them, make them feel better, or fix problems created by someone else. Some people love to manipulate, and they will use guilt as a weapon. Don’t let them!
3. One of my most powerful assets is my voice - whether it be my spoken word, my presence, my written word - it does indeed have influence and impact on some people. And there exist a few individuals who simply don’t like that! They resent it. They resent that I can do something they can’t. They resent that I support a different angle than they do. And they use guilt and drama as a weapon to try and silence me. I refuse to have my voice taken away by people who use guilt as a weapon of manipulation.
4. I don’t care WHO you are. I don’t care HOW long we’ve known each other. I don’t care WHAT we’ve been through. Whether we are relatives, BFF’s, close friends, or whatever - if you try to paint me as being some mean or nasty person who hurt you when in reality you are creating some sort of drama just to gain attention and sympathy, not only will I call you out on it but you will lose your access to me. Seriously!!!!
5. And finally, if you are the kind of person who makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells to be around you, I don’t want to be around you!
I count myself very fortunate to know as many people as I do, to have met so many inspiring people, to have had the adventures that I have had, and to have yet so much more to look forward to. I am going to reserve my time and energy on the people who deserve it.
I naturally default - DEFAULT - to feeling guilty - even when I did absolutely nothing wrong.
I guess in a lot of ways, that isn’t really all that unusual for an ex-Catholic. After all, one of the very first things that Catholics are taught is how we are all sinful, and miserable, and unworthy of forgiveness, etc., etc., etc. But with me, the sense of feeling guilty - even when I did nothing wrong - goes beyond catechism and religious teachings. It goes back to childhood.
One of the extreme drawbacks to being born not just last in my immediate family, but last in the entire extended family generation, was being surrounded by so many older and bigger and intimidating people. Whether it was my parents, or my sisters, or my cousins, or my teachers, or my aunts and uncles, or our neighbors, or all the people coming into and out of the house; I was always surrounded by people who were older and bigger than I was. That in and of itself wasn’t a problem. But the problem was the amount of instructions I received. It was like everybody around me took on the role of parenting and checking me on my behavior. I’m sure everyone meant well. But, it messed me up. While I learned the rules and regulations of social politeness, I also learned to doubt myself - a lot. If in my head I had a conflict between how I naturally wished to react vs. how I believed The Adults told me to react, there really was no choice - I had to do what I was told. I had NO sense of believing in myself. As I grew older, this conflict grew more extreme, as I began to question myself more and more whenever there was a conflict between what I absolutely knew to be true in my heart versus being told by An Adult what to do or think. And for me, that was hard. It was subtle. But it is something that really messed up my self-confidence as a young adult - and I didn’t even know it was happening.
I know that my description of this issue comes across a bit confusing, so please allow me to illustrate an example. The other day, I remembered very clearly something that happened to me as a kid. I remember sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book. My mom and one of my sisters were there, and we were all having some quiet time. Then my father came in the door carrying a bag from the grocery store. He and my mom started having some sort of discussion that began turning into raised-voice arguing over something. I was so used to their regular bickering and yelling that it wasn’t at all unusual. And truthfully, I wasn’t paying much attention, anyway. I was really into my book. The next thing I knew, my dad was bent over the coffee table that was near me, and the grocery bag started to spill. I looked up from my book, and moved to try to catch the bag; and my dad looked at me with total anger on his face. He wouldn’t let me touch the bag. Instead, he quickly grabbed it all, stormed into the other room, and began yelling and cursing up a storm! You see… apparently after he and mom stopped arguing, he asked me to take the bag from him or something like that. I have NO idea what he actually asked me because I was nose-in-the-book and I did not even know that he called my name (if he even did). But no. My dad was CONVINCED that I was purposely ignoring him and disrespecting him. I looked up confused as could be, and my sister (I can’t remember which one), scolded me and said I deserved my dad’s wrath for my behavior. WTF? I told her that I didn’t hear him, but that was quickly dismissed by both mom and sister because if THEY heard him, clearly I had to have heard him. WTF? I felt such a swath of emotions. I felt angry because nobody would believe me. I felt scared because my dad was so angry. I felt betrayed. And I felt… guilty. Why? Because as the self-doubt came over me, I began to question myself and convince myself of the same thing The Adults were telling me. I began to think that maybe I really WAS the disrespectful person that they said that I was.
Dad called me into the other room. I felt paralyzed, but obediently went in. He was so angry he was shaking, and I felt terrified! But he kept his voice calm and asked why I did what I did. I told him plainly I didn’t hear him, and then he raised his voice saying that that was BULLSHIT because if both my mom and sister heard him, clearly I had to. So WHY did I not help him when he asked for help? My voice cracked. I didn’t know what to say. I began to cry. I opened my mouth, and noises came out. I really had no words. “You were disrespectful to me,” he said. “Yes,” I replied. He then went on for a little while about how rude and selfish I was. And the guild-takeover came over me as I simply agreed with him before being sent to my room in punishment. And there, alone in my room, I cried.
This was by far not the only episode in my childhood like this. It happened a lot. Now truthfully, I’m not complaining. For the most part, I had a happy childhood - truly. But events like this really did chip away not only at my self-esteem, but at my own sense of right and wrong. Whether The Adults in my life meant to do it or not, they taught me to question myself. And when others questioned me, it meant automatically that I was Wrong or At Fault or some other negative thing. And that carried with me into adulthood.
College was the WORST for this sort of a thing! As much as I enjoyed meeting new people and fresh faces, I experienced my share of conflicts with class-mates or co-workers made much worse by my own propensity to default to guilty. If at work something was not done (by somebody else) or someone other than me made a mess; and the manager mistakenly decided to yell at me for someone else’s goof; I stood there and took it. In my brain, I tried to rationalize it - maybe I really WAS at fault! I should have discovered the mess first so I could clean it up! I should have looked in that closet to notice that a bottle had spilled. I should have been more diligent; and maybe that thing would not have happened! And gods forbid, if a moody classmate heard half of something that I said out loud to person A and somehow thought I was saying something rude about them instead, I would catch an earful and spend the rest of the day feeling bad. I can’t even tell you how many countless times I have been on the receiving end of someone else’s wrath for something I didn’t even do!!!! And ya know the worst part, I didn’t even realize this was happening to me, because - this was normal. So yes, my own naturally-feeling-guilty behavior contributed a lot towards other people feeling comfortable using me as their whipping boy.
Well, at this point in my life, not only have I figured out that this type of crazy social interaction has plagued me my entire life, but that I have the power to change the outcome.
And starting right now - no longer will I take this kind of abuse.
I’m going to make a few new rules for myself and work hard to stick with them - for the rest of my life - for the betterment of my own peace of mind. Starting today, Joe, here are some new rules for life:
1. It isn’t automatically my fault just because someone else gets butt hurt. Prior to reacting, I will investigate. If I really did something wrong, I will apologize and work hard to fix the situation. (that isn’t different from yesterday) If it was a misunderstanding, I will offer an explanation. (that also isn’t different from yesterday) But after that, I will STOP! If the other person is actually an adult, they will accept the explanation and move on. Ideally, we will both laugh about it. (And that kind of thing has happened). But if they want to create drama and make a big issue where there need not be one, then b’bye.
2. Remember Joe…some people THRIVE on drama, and it is NOT my responsibility to fix them, make them feel better, or fix problems created by someone else. Some people love to manipulate, and they will use guilt as a weapon. Don’t let them!
3. One of my most powerful assets is my voice - whether it be my spoken word, my presence, my written word - it does indeed have influence and impact on some people. And there exist a few individuals who simply don’t like that! They resent it. They resent that I can do something they can’t. They resent that I support a different angle than they do. And they use guilt and drama as a weapon to try and silence me. I refuse to have my voice taken away by people who use guilt as a weapon of manipulation.
4. I don’t care WHO you are. I don’t care HOW long we’ve known each other. I don’t care WHAT we’ve been through. Whether we are relatives, BFF’s, close friends, or whatever - if you try to paint me as being some mean or nasty person who hurt you when in reality you are creating some sort of drama just to gain attention and sympathy, not only will I call you out on it but you will lose your access to me. Seriously!!!!
5. And finally, if you are the kind of person who makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells to be around you, I don’t want to be around you!
I count myself very fortunate to know as many people as I do, to have met so many inspiring people, to have had the adventures that I have had, and to have yet so much more to look forward to. I am going to reserve my time and energy on the people who deserve it.