Losing my mind
Here we go, here's the entry that I've been avoiding writing...but that I just really want to now.
I'm losing my mind. I haven't worked in days. I've been watching about two, sometimes three movies a day. Talking to myself all the time. Spent too much time on the computer doing absolutely nothing really. Haven't spent all this free time wisely...just in a puddle of despair. I've been desperate to get out of the house and do something with friends but can only manage to think "Well...no one has called me, no one wants to hang out with me." I've been escaping to dream worlds instead of dealing with the real one. And now I can't find my f-ing sunscreen. Which is why I'm not working right now and why my mother is angry with me. It almost doesn't phase me. It's one of those "Yup..everything else sucks, I was waiting for this to happen."
I need my bestfriend to hit me and tell me I'm overacting. That life is actually good that I'm just stressed or trying to do too many things at once. I need her to tell me that I'm not strong and need to stop pretending to be strong. I need to stop pretending to be happy when I'm not. I need to stop lying to myself. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANY OF THIS! Don't listen if I tell you I am. I'm angry and upset and jealous. I need her to tell me it's okay to feel this way so I can stop hiding it all the time. To do whatever it takes to get out of this hole. But umm...she's at camp.
If any one else cares to invest the time...feel free. But don't give me that stupid "You know you can call me whenever, no matter the time." crap. Cause chances are you've already said that to me before...a few times. But I can't get up the courage to call anyone. Because I wouldn't know what to say...And don't tell me "I'm here for you, Amy" cause no one is freaking here for me. Otherwise I wouldn't be alone.
I'm losing my mind. I haven't worked in days. I've been watching about two, sometimes three movies a day. Talking to myself all the time. Spent too much time on the computer doing absolutely nothing really. Haven't spent all this free time wisely...just in a puddle of despair. I've been desperate to get out of the house and do something with friends but can only manage to think "Well...no one has called me, no one wants to hang out with me." I've been escaping to dream worlds instead of dealing with the real one. And now I can't find my f-ing sunscreen. Which is why I'm not working right now and why my mother is angry with me. It almost doesn't phase me. It's one of those "Yup..everything else sucks, I was waiting for this to happen."
I need my bestfriend to hit me and tell me I'm overacting. That life is actually good that I'm just stressed or trying to do too many things at once. I need her to tell me that I'm not strong and need to stop pretending to be strong. I need to stop pretending to be happy when I'm not. I need to stop lying to myself. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANY OF THIS! Don't listen if I tell you I am. I'm angry and upset and jealous. I need her to tell me it's okay to feel this way so I can stop hiding it all the time. To do whatever it takes to get out of this hole. But umm...she's at camp.
If any one else cares to invest the time...feel free. But don't give me that stupid "You know you can call me whenever, no matter the time." crap. Cause chances are you've already said that to me before...a few times. But I can't get up the courage to call anyone. Because I wouldn't know what to say...And don't tell me "I'm here for you, Amy" cause no one is freaking here for me. Otherwise I wouldn't be alone.