Defcon 4/My Manifesto
There's only so much a guy can take. I tried for the higher ground stuff. Things that were sacred are not that way at all anymore. It sickens me. I'm in a staring contest with my reality, my pain, my future, and I won't flinch. I couldn't possibly live my life in denial. I couldn't possibly hurt someone I loved or cared about, no matter how much it helped me justify shit. I'm not that person. I will never be that person. All I know how to do is look someone in the eye, say what I'm thinking or feeling, and await what I hope to be an authentic response. But life ain't simple and most people would prefer to do anything besides facing the truth.
I've been beaten down again, but I'm so fucking used to it. It's getting to the point where I am literally laughing at the things have happened to me. It's not denial or me trying to make it less of a big deal, but through all this shit, I have found this weird inner strength that allows me to laugh at my pain. It's like a dude who decides to spit in the face of their soon to be murderer once they know there's nothing they can do to save their life. Obviously, I can come out of this and I will. I always do. I have no other choice. No person who has caused me pain, in the end, has been worth any of the strife they've given me.
No more "I hate my life" and "Why does this shit always happen to me?" bullshit. I've been a dealt a bad hand since the day I was fucking born, I've known no normalcy and no true peace, no matter how comfortable and at ease I was in my last relationship. Everything I've accomplished or had in my life, from my education, cars, what I've done with what was once a measily punk band, the respect of many, it's all been me. I did it all. I never got shit from anyone and I never asked.
I don't give a fuck about stupid small shit, who's not hanging out with this person, who's banging that person, which member of which band grew his hair long, who's jacket isn't spikey, who's taking the coolest pictures at some faggot(I'm not a homophobe, get over it) fucking hipster dance night....ohhhh aren't we so like...awesome? Die. Fuck you. Die.
I don't need her. I need my friends. I need my music. I need myself. I will find peace. I will not rot. I will not drown myself in buckets of alcohol, drugs, mistakes I've made, things I can't change, and the life I've had for the past few years. It's all bullshit and I've done it too much in the past. One girlfriend to the next, to the next, to the next. It's fucking dead. I will live everyday because I have to. Because not a single person is worth me not trying to enjoying this short and predominately miserable existence, no matter how much they meant/still mean to me. I will drink and get fucked up to celebrate my life and those in it, not to forget about those who have hurt me or don't deserve to know me.
I am someone that if you look me in the eye, you know where we stand. If you know me, you know where we stand, and you know I care about you. That's who I am. I won't go out everynight and emerce myself in faggot-ass-bullshit social settings as to find some sort of peace. You won't find peace if you never stop running. And that goes for anyone. I will sit and suffer, but I will also get out and live. I will come out of this one hundred times stronger and I will never trust my heart over my mind ever again. To put faith in another person 100%, is to take your existence and throw into the ocean, in hopes that someday, if you need it again, it will wash ashore. That doesn't fucking happen. You will never see it again. You then have to create a whole new existence from scratch, using your pain and your lessons as a foundation. It's one of the most difficult things in the world and I'm fucking done with it.
In death, we have closure with people, we lose them, and we think of them, visit their graves. When you lose someone in life, you can never find that, constantly wondering where they're at, if you're of any relevance, and all that morbid, fucked up shit. That is why we Italians love to say, "That person is fuckin' dead to me." Cause it's the best way to end a painful fucking situation. And when you can't take anymore abuse, pain, or ill treatment, instead of actually murdering the person(which always seems so fucking appealing), we will kill them with our hearts and our minds. "You're dead to me." It feels good. Some people can call it "immature" but those are also the same people that have NO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to care so much, love so much, and then lose so much. And those same people, well, let them go back to their plastic, worthless, celeb-worshipping or their chasing of some imaginary hipster culture. And you will die a robotic sheep, irrelevant until the end.
Fuck this pain and fuck those who give pain out of cruelty. You are as worthless as you feel....and if you don't feel that way, you just haven't realized it yet. But you will. Try sleeping on that.
To those who can relate, you are my lifeline. I will never stop communicating the plight of the good ones. The ones who care and live their lives with a duty to help those close to them. It's all I got. It's easy to be cynical all the time, it's easy to be a prick, a heartbreaker, a backstabber, a bitch, a fucking snob, but those people lack the heart and the motherfucking balls to be decent. Cowards. Faggots. Worthless.
Not me. And hopefully, not you.
See you around.
I've been beaten down again, but I'm so fucking used to it. It's getting to the point where I am literally laughing at the things have happened to me. It's not denial or me trying to make it less of a big deal, but through all this shit, I have found this weird inner strength that allows me to laugh at my pain. It's like a dude who decides to spit in the face of their soon to be murderer once they know there's nothing they can do to save their life. Obviously, I can come out of this and I will. I always do. I have no other choice. No person who has caused me pain, in the end, has been worth any of the strife they've given me.
No more "I hate my life" and "Why does this shit always happen to me?" bullshit. I've been a dealt a bad hand since the day I was fucking born, I've known no normalcy and no true peace, no matter how comfortable and at ease I was in my last relationship. Everything I've accomplished or had in my life, from my education, cars, what I've done with what was once a measily punk band, the respect of many, it's all been me. I did it all. I never got shit from anyone and I never asked.
I don't give a fuck about stupid small shit, who's not hanging out with this person, who's banging that person, which member of which band grew his hair long, who's jacket isn't spikey, who's taking the coolest pictures at some faggot(I'm not a homophobe, get over it) fucking hipster dance night....ohhhh aren't we so like...awesome? Die. Fuck you. Die.
I don't need her. I need my friends. I need my music. I need myself. I will find peace. I will not rot. I will not drown myself in buckets of alcohol, drugs, mistakes I've made, things I can't change, and the life I've had for the past few years. It's all bullshit and I've done it too much in the past. One girlfriend to the next, to the next, to the next. It's fucking dead. I will live everyday because I have to. Because not a single person is worth me not trying to enjoying this short and predominately miserable existence, no matter how much they meant/still mean to me. I will drink and get fucked up to celebrate my life and those in it, not to forget about those who have hurt me or don't deserve to know me.
I am someone that if you look me in the eye, you know where we stand. If you know me, you know where we stand, and you know I care about you. That's who I am. I won't go out everynight and emerce myself in faggot-ass-bullshit social settings as to find some sort of peace. You won't find peace if you never stop running. And that goes for anyone. I will sit and suffer, but I will also get out and live. I will come out of this one hundred times stronger and I will never trust my heart over my mind ever again. To put faith in another person 100%, is to take your existence and throw into the ocean, in hopes that someday, if you need it again, it will wash ashore. That doesn't fucking happen. You will never see it again. You then have to create a whole new existence from scratch, using your pain and your lessons as a foundation. It's one of the most difficult things in the world and I'm fucking done with it.
In death, we have closure with people, we lose them, and we think of them, visit their graves. When you lose someone in life, you can never find that, constantly wondering where they're at, if you're of any relevance, and all that morbid, fucked up shit. That is why we Italians love to say, "That person is fuckin' dead to me." Cause it's the best way to end a painful fucking situation. And when you can't take anymore abuse, pain, or ill treatment, instead of actually murdering the person(which always seems so fucking appealing), we will kill them with our hearts and our minds. "You're dead to me." It feels good. Some people can call it "immature" but those are also the same people that have NO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to care so much, love so much, and then lose so much. And those same people, well, let them go back to their plastic, worthless, celeb-worshipping or their chasing of some imaginary hipster culture. And you will die a robotic sheep, irrelevant until the end.
Fuck this pain and fuck those who give pain out of cruelty. You are as worthless as you feel....and if you don't feel that way, you just haven't realized it yet. But you will. Try sleeping on that.
To those who can relate, you are my lifeline. I will never stop communicating the plight of the good ones. The ones who care and live their lives with a duty to help those close to them. It's all I got. It's easy to be cynical all the time, it's easy to be a prick, a heartbreaker, a backstabber, a bitch, a fucking snob, but those people lack the heart and the motherfucking balls to be decent. Cowards. Faggots. Worthless.
Not me. And hopefully, not you.
See you around.