i should be asleep
i'm going to hampton and chesapeake circa 9 in the morning so i should probably get some rest.
i had to come here though because i felt like i needed to get some stuff out.
i feel like i'm losing my mind, but some would say that you never know when you're losing your mind.
i don't really have any more nin concerts to look forward to so i guess i'm just gonna have to deal with my shit now. i kind of paced myself between those because they were a sort of therapy to me.
of course i'm actually doing group therapy at vcu but the concerts were almost total body therapy, if there is such a thing.
in group you can't act out but so much, at a nin concert you can do pretty much whatever the fuck you want.
i'll quit bull shitting though and get to the real stuff
i feel like i'm at a crossroad right now. i decided to take a break from judo for a while to get my head cleared out after i got my yellow belt. if anything though my head is just more cluttered. i feel like i'm at a crossroad though because i see two paths i can take. on one hand i could start drinking more, eating whatever i want, and not really exercise. on the other hand i can get back into judo, excersise outside of that, eat right, and drink less (or none at all). i know the second one is the better option, but right now i feel like i could go either way. its hard to stick with the second one when everyone else seems to be doing the first. it's also hard to stick with it without having a set schedule. i got a job though so hopefully that will change soon.
i've come to realize that i'm a very caring person. i like knowing what is going on with people, how they are feeling, what they have or need. this has been one of the biggest things i've learned in therapy. i care alot more than most people do. i'm still not sure if that's a good quality or a bad quality. i know what it is like to not really have anyone to talk to, to not feel like you matter to anyone, so i always try to be "there" for my friends. on the same hand i find that i have a very hard time letting go of people, even if it is time to let go.
i don't really think about people in high school all that much. girls i used to date, guys i used to hang out with, but that seems like a really long cut off date (high school being over 4 years ago).
i still think about aaron, the guy i worked with in martinsville, and his family on a fairly regular basis. that was about a year ago.
looking over this it appears that i like to quantify things as well. odd because my brother is the big math nerd of the family.
went by the mall today and saw some people i used to work with. it was good seeing them, but then i started thinking about them. i even thought for a moment that it might be fun to work at the mall again. to get back together with the guys. we had some fun times.
i feel like i'm incapable of letting memories go, almost like i'm incapable of forgetting.
if i'm not around people then i bring up all of these memories, but if i am around people then i create new memories.
sometimes it feels like my head is going to pop from all the thoughts and memories that are swirling around inside.
this is frustrating because i used to be so calm. maybe this is what the city does to you. in martinsville, as much as i hated it, there was a certian peace. there was no rushing, no hustle and bustle, just quite. i feel like i need to let some of this stuff in my head out. i need to breathe, relax.
i try to remember what it was that made me calm in martinsville. what was it that gave me control?
but without sadness there can be no happiness.
i definitly was not happy in martinsville.
so is happiness chaotic? can it only exist in chaos?
searching for what made me calm in martinsville, here in richmond, is like searching for something that isn't there. there was a time when i was happy and calm here though. when i was in control. right after i moved back through maybe july. after that though things started to fall apart.
i feel like i need love when i spent all of my time in martinsville learning to love myself.
maybe i just want it.
i want someone to love, and someone to love me.
i want that feeling.
i feel like i'm starved for it. perhaps that has played a part in my odd diet currently. trying to literally replace the spiritual feeling of love with the physical feeling of food.
i'm tired often as well. perhaps the spiritual journey i'm on in search of love is taking its toll on my body.
i suppose i'll go to bed.
i had to come here though because i felt like i needed to get some stuff out.
i feel like i'm losing my mind, but some would say that you never know when you're losing your mind.
i don't really have any more nin concerts to look forward to so i guess i'm just gonna have to deal with my shit now. i kind of paced myself between those because they were a sort of therapy to me.
of course i'm actually doing group therapy at vcu but the concerts were almost total body therapy, if there is such a thing.
in group you can't act out but so much, at a nin concert you can do pretty much whatever the fuck you want.
i'll quit bull shitting though and get to the real stuff
i feel like i'm at a crossroad right now. i decided to take a break from judo for a while to get my head cleared out after i got my yellow belt. if anything though my head is just more cluttered. i feel like i'm at a crossroad though because i see two paths i can take. on one hand i could start drinking more, eating whatever i want, and not really exercise. on the other hand i can get back into judo, excersise outside of that, eat right, and drink less (or none at all). i know the second one is the better option, but right now i feel like i could go either way. its hard to stick with the second one when everyone else seems to be doing the first. it's also hard to stick with it without having a set schedule. i got a job though so hopefully that will change soon.
i've come to realize that i'm a very caring person. i like knowing what is going on with people, how they are feeling, what they have or need. this has been one of the biggest things i've learned in therapy. i care alot more than most people do. i'm still not sure if that's a good quality or a bad quality. i know what it is like to not really have anyone to talk to, to not feel like you matter to anyone, so i always try to be "there" for my friends. on the same hand i find that i have a very hard time letting go of people, even if it is time to let go.
i don't really think about people in high school all that much. girls i used to date, guys i used to hang out with, but that seems like a really long cut off date (high school being over 4 years ago).
i still think about aaron, the guy i worked with in martinsville, and his family on a fairly regular basis. that was about a year ago.
looking over this it appears that i like to quantify things as well. odd because my brother is the big math nerd of the family.
went by the mall today and saw some people i used to work with. it was good seeing them, but then i started thinking about them. i even thought for a moment that it might be fun to work at the mall again. to get back together with the guys. we had some fun times.
i feel like i'm incapable of letting memories go, almost like i'm incapable of forgetting.
if i'm not around people then i bring up all of these memories, but if i am around people then i create new memories.
sometimes it feels like my head is going to pop from all the thoughts and memories that are swirling around inside.
this is frustrating because i used to be so calm. maybe this is what the city does to you. in martinsville, as much as i hated it, there was a certian peace. there was no rushing, no hustle and bustle, just quite. i feel like i need to let some of this stuff in my head out. i need to breathe, relax.
i try to remember what it was that made me calm in martinsville. what was it that gave me control?
but without sadness there can be no happiness.
i definitly was not happy in martinsville.
so is happiness chaotic? can it only exist in chaos?
searching for what made me calm in martinsville, here in richmond, is like searching for something that isn't there. there was a time when i was happy and calm here though. when i was in control. right after i moved back through maybe july. after that though things started to fall apart.
i feel like i need love when i spent all of my time in martinsville learning to love myself.
maybe i just want it.
i want someone to love, and someone to love me.
i want that feeling.
i feel like i'm starved for it. perhaps that has played a part in my odd diet currently. trying to literally replace the spiritual feeling of love with the physical feeling of food.
i'm tired often as well. perhaps the spiritual journey i'm on in search of love is taking its toll on my body.
i suppose i'll go to bed.