I wish I were tired
Not, at all. I yearn for the feeling of sleep to wash over me, the desire to crawl into bed but I know that if I do, I will only lie awake and think the same things that I currently type out to my live journal individual history, they are part of what will make me the person that I am as I grow older. However, this is only by my logic, which totally works because this is my journal, ooh italics, I'm very deep. It occurs to me that it is almost impossible for a deep emotion to be expressed and taken seriously when the word totally is associated with it. Thank you demetri martin.
I wish that I had the confidence that my friends feel I should have. Talking to them makes me wonder why I'm not rich and buying them all expensive gifts on a whim.. I'm sure they would prefer that too, who doesn't want the ridiculously rich friend hanging around.
Concepts for writing continually drift through my head and I find myself writing out entire chapters as the day ticks by. At this point right now I am sure that I would type any one of them out in one sitting if I felt like I had the time. Time is of the essence. Really though, I wish I had word, I would write right now simply out of sheer boredom, but...
ah the ultimate phrase of procrastination, the but. I could do this, but, if only this obstacle weren't in my way I would achieve this goal. I think sometimes people put obstacles in their way as a means to keep their dreams from becoming a reality. Not because they dont want their dream to come true but more because the reality could almost never imagine to that perfect scenario in your head, the clarity and happiness that comes with living up to ones self-imposed expectations are so enormous that I believe that achieving them is impossible. Well, for me.
Really it is my crippling fear of public speaking (more people fear it than death so back the fuck off, oooh intense, ha) that keeps me from even developing material to go to an open mic night. Really it is fear of not completing anything that keeps me from attempting to write all the story lines I wish I could write even though I know if I ignored these fears it would be a matter of staring at my computer screen and forcing them onto the screen, even if no one besides me was ever aware they existed (very possible).
After tonight I have learned that deep conversations can not be forced. They happen, it doesnt matter what the subject matter is, it doesn't matter why it happens, it does. Through these conversations you learn about people, you learn about yourself. The trick is, shit, I totally have no way of finishing this sentence, maybe because it starts awkwardly, maybe because it shouldn't be ended, I have no idea.
Live journal forces me to attempt to be deep even though I am anything but.
There is so much I wish I could change, I wish I could do, I wish I could be. Wishing doesn't do a damn thing though. I know this wihch is why I avoid posting in livejournal because really all my livejournal is is a wish list. Wishing I were a better person, a more attractive person, more successful, wishing I had already achieved my dreams even before I knew what they wer e( I still don't know if I do). I hate what live journal does to me, it forces me to stare at my flaws and highlight them for the world to see and pity, and I hate that. I hate feeling like part of me is only posting for the validation that people might agree with me or get what I'm trying to say (I'm not subtle).
I can't listen to my music on anything but shuffle. The randomness of being surprised by music I personally chose and selected to be on my computer is awesome. I love it. It inspires me, and allows me to connect with each song differently everytime, even if certain songs will always bring up certain memories.
I always feel confident after nights like tonight, I usually find myself feeling like I should conquer some huge goal, make something happen. But I can't make things happen, things can not be forced. There are things I wish could happen now that I know won't happen till I make them, there are some that I am convinced never will.
I have a better understanding of myself right now
I'm not even sure how drunk I am right now, I did finish my beer before both the home girls, actually I think I finished mine while they still had a 40 combined, although that may have been mostly kari (sorry to name names, but whatever.
I think this is it for this post. I think that the generic what I did, what I will do is not congruent with what this post was supposed to represent.
Not true.
This post was really just a means to make myself tired. I failed. My mind is more awake then ever. But its almost 3 in the morning. People left almost an hour ago, I should fall asleep. Tomorrow will probably be a day of reflection for me or a day of denial, I dont know what this means for my mood. I'm optimistic as my mood right now is very tranquil and fridays haven been happy days for me in recent weeks. We'll see if the trend continues.
I think i should go to sleep now before my buzz is completely gone. Thank you to those who made today awesome, given the middle of the day I would not think I would be able to be in a good mood, but the beginning and end parts were awesome.
Fin.
I wish that I had the confidence that my friends feel I should have. Talking to them makes me wonder why I'm not rich and buying them all expensive gifts on a whim.. I'm sure they would prefer that too, who doesn't want the ridiculously rich friend hanging around.
Concepts for writing continually drift through my head and I find myself writing out entire chapters as the day ticks by. At this point right now I am sure that I would type any one of them out in one sitting if I felt like I had the time. Time is of the essence. Really though, I wish I had word, I would write right now simply out of sheer boredom, but...
ah the ultimate phrase of procrastination, the but. I could do this, but, if only this obstacle weren't in my way I would achieve this goal. I think sometimes people put obstacles in their way as a means to keep their dreams from becoming a reality. Not because they dont want their dream to come true but more because the reality could almost never imagine to that perfect scenario in your head, the clarity and happiness that comes with living up to ones self-imposed expectations are so enormous that I believe that achieving them is impossible. Well, for me.
Really it is my crippling fear of public speaking (more people fear it than death so back the fuck off, oooh intense, ha) that keeps me from even developing material to go to an open mic night. Really it is fear of not completing anything that keeps me from attempting to write all the story lines I wish I could write even though I know if I ignored these fears it would be a matter of staring at my computer screen and forcing them onto the screen, even if no one besides me was ever aware they existed (very possible).
After tonight I have learned that deep conversations can not be forced. They happen, it doesnt matter what the subject matter is, it doesn't matter why it happens, it does. Through these conversations you learn about people, you learn about yourself. The trick is, shit, I totally have no way of finishing this sentence, maybe because it starts awkwardly, maybe because it shouldn't be ended, I have no idea.
Live journal forces me to attempt to be deep even though I am anything but.
There is so much I wish I could change, I wish I could do, I wish I could be. Wishing doesn't do a damn thing though. I know this wihch is why I avoid posting in livejournal because really all my livejournal is is a wish list. Wishing I were a better person, a more attractive person, more successful, wishing I had already achieved my dreams even before I knew what they wer e( I still don't know if I do). I hate what live journal does to me, it forces me to stare at my flaws and highlight them for the world to see and pity, and I hate that. I hate feeling like part of me is only posting for the validation that people might agree with me or get what I'm trying to say (I'm not subtle).
I can't listen to my music on anything but shuffle. The randomness of being surprised by music I personally chose and selected to be on my computer is awesome. I love it. It inspires me, and allows me to connect with each song differently everytime, even if certain songs will always bring up certain memories.
I always feel confident after nights like tonight, I usually find myself feeling like I should conquer some huge goal, make something happen. But I can't make things happen, things can not be forced. There are things I wish could happen now that I know won't happen till I make them, there are some that I am convinced never will.
I have a better understanding of myself right now
I'm not even sure how drunk I am right now, I did finish my beer before both the home girls, actually I think I finished mine while they still had a 40 combined, although that may have been mostly kari (sorry to name names, but whatever.
I think this is it for this post. I think that the generic what I did, what I will do is not congruent with what this post was supposed to represent.
Not true.
This post was really just a means to make myself tired. I failed. My mind is more awake then ever. But its almost 3 in the morning. People left almost an hour ago, I should fall asleep. Tomorrow will probably be a day of reflection for me or a day of denial, I dont know what this means for my mood. I'm optimistic as my mood right now is very tranquil and fridays haven been happy days for me in recent weeks. We'll see if the trend continues.
I think i should go to sleep now before my buzz is completely gone. Thank you to those who made today awesome, given the middle of the day I would not think I would be able to be in a good mood, but the beginning and end parts were awesome.
Fin.