(no subject)
I felt the urge to write suddenyl after a bit of an uproar of a conversation with my dad over the phone. He started telling me that im totally out of balance in life, staying up too late on school nights, too much partying, smoking too much herb, and he got really mad and started telling me, its gonna start being my way or the high way. I didnt give that comment much thought as I had heard it several times before.....but what really got me was when my voice started to waver a little bit on the phone because I was still sooo incredibly e-tarded all the meanness was more than I could.....my dad stopped and he siad to me, "Son, I wanna take back something I said earlier, I would NEVER kick you out, you will NEVER be without my help if you need it, till the day I die." Thats when I burst into tears over the phone and just told him how glad I was that he loves me so much......I have the coolest, nicest, human being that this planet has to offer for a father. I look around at all my friends, who have less than I do, some of them are being kicked out of their houses very soon with no more than a hearty pat on the back, and a not very loving, its up to you to sink or swim. and its probably because im really messed up emotionaly right now, but I just cant believe how fuckin lucky I am to have such an awesome dad.....a guy who if I needed to go to in tears and just cry to him because he was my daddy, that he would drop whatever hes doing to be there for me.......ever since brittany and I split up, ive hated being alone for long periods of time.....hated not having something to keep me occupied...hated life itself.....my biggest downfall was that I always was taken care of, I was never let fall flat on my face to learn the hardway......and now at 19, I have no idea of what im really doing with my life, and all I want to do is to be out trying to fill that void with meaningless things, whether its a round of initial-d, getting high, rollin', whatever...all I ever seem to do is these seemingly in the long run, meaningless things, sure im goign to school....sure im skating my classes....but I wanted to....I could be going to every class, on time, taking every note I needed to take, passing every test the first time....but I have no desire to do so, all I want to do is have fun, I have trouble telling my friends no when there is something they want to do...or if I know I shouldnt go out because I have to go to school the next day, or work or whatever, I still go out, and when im with my friends.....I feel like I atleast try to make everyone comfortable, and allow them to have a good time, because my friends are important to me....I just want them to fuckin accept me, and be happy to be around me...I just....I dont even fucking know....ive never been the same since I lost her.....she gave me heaven on earth for the most part...but now its like...I feel as though im always going and doing things to...fuck I just cant even describe how im feeling....I just cant stand the idea of people not liking me....im not the kind of person that needs to feel loved by everyone, and I dont NEED to be in good comapny all the time....but I just like to know I have friends who are there for me, that wont judge me for what they see, or know on the surface, I hate the fact that people can be such superficial stuck up assholes sometimes, most of my friends dont judge me like that, and do really like me.....but fuck...I need to find something permanent that can make me happy in life. If that even exists....Ithought it did once....but apparently it doesnt....but then maybe britt wasnt the ONE, and I didnt blow my chance with her...it just wasnt meant to be, god ive so lost my train of thought.....fuck it....im out
-Josh
-Josh