My new post, titled "The Blind Date from Hell" (or "Chinese Herbs Fix Everything").
Picture, if you will, an optimistic Jodi. The one who realizes that maybe it's a good thing to venture out into the world of dating, thus moving on from the past. Now picture that optimistic Jodi agreeing to meet someone for lunch at a sushi bar. That's exactly what happened. The guy was divorced, with a kid, and seemed interesting enough from our emails to meet for lunch.
When I walked in the door, I saw the guy - a little bit different from the pictures facial-hair-wise, and taller than I'd realized, but that wasn't a big deal. However, the rest of the date was enough to make me think that maybe I just shouldn't date anymore. Ever.
So here are the highlights, if you can call them that, of the conversation:
--
Guy: Bet you didn't realize that I'm so tall, huh?
Me: No, guess not. That's cool, though - sometimes I wish I were taller, 'cause being short isn't always fun.
Guy: I can think of at least one great thing about you being short, but it's probably not appropriate to talk about on a first date. Heh heh.
Me: Okay, that's enough of that, thanks.
Guy: Yeah, sorry.
--
Me: So you mentioned you had a daughter. How old is she?
Guy: She's 3 and very cute. I'm going to have her full-time soon.
Me: Oh?
Guy: My wife and I need to figure that out.
Me (pausing a bit - thinking that possibly by force of habit he forgot to add the "ex-"): I'm sorry, your wife?
Guy: Yeah, my wife.
Me: So you're not divorced?
Guy: No, we're currently separated.
(See, that's a dealbreaker to me - first off, he lied, but also I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with someone who's not divorced.)
--
Me: So what do you like to do for fun?
Guy: Let's see...I like movies, and Star Wars, and I also like to DJ. Hey, you work for Microsoft, right?
Me: Uh yeah.
Guy: Yeah, so you could probably get me a DJ gig there! I used to do that fulltime, you know.
Me: No, I didn't know.
Guy: Yeah, that's actually how I met my wife. I was a DJ at her...um...place of employment, if you know what I mean.
(Sigh. Great. Ex-wife's a stripper. He then went on to bash her verbally for a few minutes, while I just concentrated on my sushi. Then, almost immediately, he continues asking weird questions.)
Guy: Do you want kids?
Me: Um. No.
Guy: Why not?
Me: I just don't.
Guy: Well seriously why not?
Me (figuring that he'll shut up if I say this): I can't have any.
Guy: What would you say if I told you that wasn't true?
Me: Excuse me?
Guy: A lot of doctors don't know, but my grandma told me all about Chinese herbs and they can cure anything. I'm going later on to get some, and I could totally get some for you so you can fix what's going on.
Me: No thanks, I'm good.
Guy: Seriously, it's really important for you to fulfill your womanly destiny and have kids.
Okay, so at this point I am seriously like, "WTF?!?!" Then he turns toward me and put his hand on my back and tells me how much fun he's having and how he thinks we should go on a roadtrip together. I literally jump up and make a beeline for the restroom, intending to leave the restaurant altogether, and then I realize I've left my coat on the seat. After some debate, I decide that I can't leave the coat because it's really my favorite coat ever, and so instead I just go back, get the coat, tell him I have to go, and I leave.
Yeah. Really thinking that online dating just isn't the way to go. Maybe they make some Chinese herbs for *that*.
When I walked in the door, I saw the guy - a little bit different from the pictures facial-hair-wise, and taller than I'd realized, but that wasn't a big deal. However, the rest of the date was enough to make me think that maybe I just shouldn't date anymore. Ever.
So here are the highlights, if you can call them that, of the conversation:
--
Guy: Bet you didn't realize that I'm so tall, huh?
Me: No, guess not. That's cool, though - sometimes I wish I were taller, 'cause being short isn't always fun.
Guy: I can think of at least one great thing about you being short, but it's probably not appropriate to talk about on a first date. Heh heh.
Me: Okay, that's enough of that, thanks.
Guy: Yeah, sorry.
--
Me: So you mentioned you had a daughter. How old is she?
Guy: She's 3 and very cute. I'm going to have her full-time soon.
Me: Oh?
Guy: My wife and I need to figure that out.
Me (pausing a bit - thinking that possibly by force of habit he forgot to add the "ex-"): I'm sorry, your wife?
Guy: Yeah, my wife.
Me: So you're not divorced?
Guy: No, we're currently separated.
(See, that's a dealbreaker to me - first off, he lied, but also I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with someone who's not divorced.)
--
Me: So what do you like to do for fun?
Guy: Let's see...I like movies, and Star Wars, and I also like to DJ. Hey, you work for Microsoft, right?
Me: Uh yeah.
Guy: Yeah, so you could probably get me a DJ gig there! I used to do that fulltime, you know.
Me: No, I didn't know.
Guy: Yeah, that's actually how I met my wife. I was a DJ at her...um...place of employment, if you know what I mean.
(Sigh. Great. Ex-wife's a stripper. He then went on to bash her verbally for a few minutes, while I just concentrated on my sushi. Then, almost immediately, he continues asking weird questions.)
Guy: Do you want kids?
Me: Um. No.
Guy: Why not?
Me: I just don't.
Guy: Well seriously why not?
Me (figuring that he'll shut up if I say this): I can't have any.
Guy: What would you say if I told you that wasn't true?
Me: Excuse me?
Guy: A lot of doctors don't know, but my grandma told me all about Chinese herbs and they can cure anything. I'm going later on to get some, and I could totally get some for you so you can fix what's going on.
Me: No thanks, I'm good.
Guy: Seriously, it's really important for you to fulfill your womanly destiny and have kids.
Okay, so at this point I am seriously like, "WTF?!?!" Then he turns toward me and put his hand on my back and tells me how much fun he's having and how he thinks we should go on a roadtrip together. I literally jump up and make a beeline for the restroom, intending to leave the restaurant altogether, and then I realize I've left my coat on the seat. After some debate, I decide that I can't leave the coat because it's really my favorite coat ever, and so instead I just go back, get the coat, tell him I have to go, and I leave.
Yeah. Really thinking that online dating just isn't the way to go. Maybe they make some Chinese herbs for *that*.