No Way Home 2/5: Limbo
About: Kevin and Scotty (who else)
Spoilers: After Season 3, but not much link to
Rating: PG (but be ready for more angst)
Ownership: Not mine just playing
When Scotty looked back on that first night, part of him wondered how he survived it; another part wished he could be back there, before his life was changed forever.
Over the first half hour the room steadily filled with Walkers, all stunned by the nightmare evolving in front of them. As each came and was briefed on the situation the words ‘gunshot’ and ‘head’ kept reappearing and their faces kept falling in to despair and fear. After some persuading from Nora Scotty rang his parents, he spoke with his father who sounded genuinely concerned; right now he couldn’t care what his mother thought. His dad asked whether Scotty wanted him to come down to be with him, he appreciated the offer, but said for now it was ok, he had enough people around him providing coffee and kind words.
And he did, each time the Walkers stressed the need for him to have something and that everything would be ok, he nodded and smiled and responded in the way he was supposed to. Once everyone was in place the waiting room descended into a space of absolute silence and suspended time. Justine, paced while trying to appear calm; Kitty sat in a corner her right leg in a constant twitch, and her left hand twirling her hair in an endless cycle, while her other arm hugged her stomach as if she was trying to stop it escaping; Sarah appeared to be calm, not moving, hardly a flicker, but on closer inspection one could see the tissue paper being shredded in to a million pieces. Norma and Scotty sat together, holding hands in silence, feeling there was little left to say until the waiting door opened and the doctor came through and let them know whether Kevin was in the world or not. Justin left a message on a mobile number they had for Tommy and wondered whether he would get back in time (and what he meant by that).
Two hours after everyone had gathered, the waiting room door opened and a tired looking Dr Reeves appeared, still covered in green and blood. She smiled as she acknowledged everyone in the room. She asked if Scotty wanted to speak with her separately, he shook his head and with that the Walkers and he gathered in a close unspoken circle around her.
“OK, he is alive, not out of danger yet, but alive”. She paused to let them take that in, to allow the sense of relief to occur, before she knew she was going to complicate their hopes.
“I’m very pleased with how the surgery went, we have stopped the bleeding, reduced the swelling, I won’t lie to you, it was close at times, we nearly lost him, but he came back. I think Kevin has a strong heart”. Without saying anything Nora and Scotty held each other that little bit tighter in recognition.
“We are now in a bit of a waiting game. We have done what we can, we now have to watch what happens next, the swelling needs to continue to reduce, and his brain needs to heal. To be honest, we don’t know what potentially is the level of damage we are looking at here.”
“Damage?” Nora whispered
“Yes, damage Nora, his brain has been through an awful lot, there was blood loss, tissue damage, nerves affected. That doesn’t happen without cost. What is impossible for us to know right now is the level of damage and the degree to which it will be permanent. What we do know is there is brain activity, we know something is still working, but we are limited in what we can tell till he wakes up and we can do a proper assessment and testing.”
Nora came in again, “OK, wake him up then”.
“Sorry we can’t do that yet, we have him in what is called a medically induced coma. His brain needs time to start healing, the damage to his skull and the brain could cause intolerable pain if he woke up. So to help him, we keep him under for now. To be honest it is a precaution, because he is very unlikely to wake up just yet. In most cases like this, once we no longer give him the medication to keep him under, he will not come back to us straight away. Too much has happened and he needs time to recover. It is a cliché, but the next 48 hours are crucial, if we can keep him stable and then look after him till he is ready to wake up, we will then assess where we are.” Dr Reeves knew there was only so much the people looking at her, trying to figure out whether they should be happy or scared, could take in so she paused.
It was Scotty who spoke first, “when you say damage what are you talking about?”
“Could be a range of things, some things get better as the brain heals and we focus on rehabilitation, others may not and instead the focus is on adaptation. Some are also about what Kevin has been through and will go through psychologically. Basically what we will be looking at are things like, speech, which like in stroke cases we can do a lot to recover, mobility and paralysis - likewise that can be temporary with rehabilitation. Other issues include: memory, personality, cognitive ability. These can be very variable, some of it, much of it, can come back, but it takes time. What we do have now is a lot more understanding of how to help someone through that process. “
Everyone continued to look at her, unable to respond to what she had just said, words stuck in their head, but seemed disconnected from their son, their brother, their lover. It was Scotty who eventually broke the silence.
“Can I see him?”
“Yes, of course, I just need to remind you, all of you, we are not out of the woods yet. So if it is OK, for now we can have Nora and Scotty see him and then tomorrow let’s reassess. But remember he is definitely not going to wake up tonight, or tomorrow, you might want to take that time to rest, recover a bit, he is going to need you all to be well. Particularly you Scotty. So I will take you to him, but after that, please all of you go home for a little while and let us see him through this for now.”
Silent nodes, indicated agreement, as much as anything the agreement was aimed at getting to the point where at least some of them could see, touch Kevin.
Scotty and Nora walked in to the room; everything was silent apart from the beeping of machines helping Kevin breath and monitoring his heart beat. There were tubes everywhere. All they could see of Kevin was a fragment of his face not covered by bandages, tubes or blankets. Carefully, as if walking on glass they moved towards the side of his bed. Scotty noticed a small fragment of hair that seemed to have escaped from the bandages around his head. He gradually reached out and stroked it as he held Kevin’s hand, making sure he didn’t go near the needles poking in to his veins. Once more he reached towards Kevin’s ear in order to whisper:
“Thank you, thank you for staying alive, I promise I will help you”.
He let Nora have a moment to be with her son, Scotty knew this wasn’t a nightmare he alone was experiencing, that everyone was in pain and the only way forward was to face this together; Kevin needed all of his family.
++++++++++++++++++
Justine drove him back to their loft and after some persuasion left him alone. Scotty needed space to be alone and for that to be in his home he shared with Kevin. As he walked in he realised how dirty he felt, without any more thought he rushed in to the shower, it was only once he was under that he realised that he had not taken any clothes off - he didn’t care. Slowly he slid down the wall of the shower and while hugging his knees cried without holding back.
Scotty eventually emerged from the shower, and changed in to dry clothes. He looked towards the bed, but was not ready to lie there alone. While passing the bed he noticed a sweater of Kevin’s sitting on a chair. He picked it up and smelt it deeply and without reservation. He walked into the kitchen, thought about food but moved on to a large glass of whisky. He sat down on the couch, drank one sip and realised he was kidding no one. He locked the loft and headed back to the hospital.
When he got to ICU at 2am very little appeared to be happening. He checked in with the nurses’ station about going to the room. After some checks, he was given the ok and walked down the corridor and opened the door. It was all eerily similar apart from the small figure sitting close to the bed.
“Nora”
“I knew you would not stay away too long, neither could I. Come sit with me, we don’t need to speak, we are just here, watching over.”
After an hour, Nora turned to Scotty, “did you eat when you got home?” he silently shook his head.
“I thought not, and it is no good. Here’s a sandwich I made before I came back. I’ve kept it plain; I doubt your stomach could handle much else.” Scotty was going to refuse, but one look at Nora told him that would be a mistake and a waste of time.
Throughout the next 2 days as promised very little changed, which is many ways was a relief, the longer they moved away from the surgery the less danger Kevin was thought to be in. Very little happened in the room apart from the beeps and ticks of the life support equipment that was keeping Kevin alive. At times Scotty found himself watching the graph monitoring Kevin’s heart beat make its little pointed path across the screen. It was like he was willing it to continue to go up and down. The Walkers came and went during the day, most of them were in and around the hospital, wanting to be close to Kevin, but also giving Scotty and Nora some space to be by his side. Justin had been able to reach Tommy in some improbable hippy collective in Paraguay and he was on his way back. Money had been wired to help him with the travel. Justin had also spoke with Julie, for now the decision was for her and Elizabeth to stay in Seattle, but she would review what was the best thing to do as things progressed. Robert had been around for much of the first day, helping sort out the health insurance paper work and giving the hospital staff the strong steer that if they valued their jobs they might want to take special care of this one. He had spoken to Jason who had, in between tears, promised to pray for his ex lover.
In the afternoon of the first day Jamie came back to take Scotty’s statement, he was pleased to hear Kevin had pulled through the surgery and was holding on. He acknowledged to Scotty that they still had very little idea on what happened. There was little forensic at the scene, apart from Kevin’s blood. On Kevin’s clothes, which for the first time Scotty had realised had been taken away for analysis, there was some trace evidence which if they found the person could help prove he was there, but nothing so far was pointing to who that could be.
“Scotty - take me through word for word what he said.”
“ Kevin had rung me as he walked to his car, I was busy in the kitchen at the time, so had not paid much attention to what he was saying, to be honest I was trying to get him off the phone so I could focus on what was going on in the restaurant. As I was about to hang up I began to hear noises of a scuffle, I called out and it was then that this new voice came on the line. I really didn’t recognise the voice, I can still hear it in my head very clearly and I still don’t. He seemed almost to be laughing, but he said “What is it to you ?” I was scared of what to answer, this may haunt me forever, but I decided to describe myself as a friend, I asked him to let Kevin go, to just take the money and go. It was then that he said:
“Scotty, do you really think that is going to happen? How about you say good bye to your friend”,
Jamie looked up, startled by what he had heard. “Scotty, are you sure? Did he use your name”? Scotty looked at the police officer, puzzled by the question and then it dawned on him: the man knew his name. “But how, how could he know my name, I can’t believe I didn’t realise that before, I’ve been so focused on what is happening now, that I didn’t think. Oh my god, do you think it is someone we know?” Jamie was surprised by the turn in events, their focus on the investigation was some random mugging, Kevin’s watch and wallet was missing and there was nothing about his life that would suggest anyone would have an interest in killing him.
“Scotty, what is Kevin’s caller id for you?” He had to think for a minute, but of course, it was Scotty. “This could be the explanation, we still could be looking at a random shooting, but I need to be sure, so we will put some resource in to looking at the possibility that Kevin knew his attacker. Can you think of anyone, any exes with grudges or has he talked about any workplace disputes, either now or in the past when he was a lawyer?”
“Jamie, we are a very conventional couple, we don’t have a colourful past either. We are in good terms with exes from both sides. I may not like that Kevin works for republicans, but for some strange reason he actually gets on with them. As a lawyer his specialism was business and contract law, and I’ve never heard him talk of any problems from that period. I don’t know of anyone wanting to hunt him down for not helping them avoid paying tax.”
Jamie smiled at the description, there was really very little to indicate that Kevin would have enemies capable of having done this, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility. He explained to Scotty that they would open up this line of enquiry, which would mean speaking with people at his work, his family and friends.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On the second day as promised Dr Reeves stopped giving the drugs that were chemically keeping Kevin in the coma. As she did so she reminded them all that they were very unlikely to see any dramatic change in his condition and she was right. The machines kept making the same noises and the body on the hospital bed continued to stay completely still. The days began to merge in to an uneasy routine and everyday pattern. Kevin stayed in the bed unmoving, while varied Walkers moved in and out keeping vigil. Nora had set up a rota to ensure day or night there was always someone there. It continued to be hard to persuade Scotty to spend any time away from the hospital room, but under gentle pressure from Nora he complied every now and then, with the promise that he would be called the minute anything changed. By the end of the first week there was little to tell between the room and the loft, so many pictures, plants, books etc had been scattered around the room. Even the Minnelli cushion found its way to the foot of Kevin’s room. His ipod was hooked up to speakers and his favourite music was played on a continuous loop, while the cliché was his love of show tunes and Wicked in particular, the random mix displayed a more varied interest in salsa, classical and jazz.
While there always seemed to be a Walker close by, Scotty did manage to spend time with Kevin alone, he didn’t always say much during such time, instead, just holding his hand and stroking his face, while silently willing him to wake up. He helped the nurses bathe Kevin and got quite skilled in being able to interpret what the different machines meant. Scotty tried as much as possible to not think beyond each day. He had kept in touch with his work, and for now they were being understanding; he was not being paid any more, but his job was still there. Robert was being good too, Kevin was receiving some sick pay and private insurance was making up the rest for now. He wasn’t thinking about money and knew that Robert was stepping in and sorting out the administration of things, for which he was very grateful. Scotty’s dad had been in touch most evenings, by text or calling, Scotty could tell he wanted to be with him and support him and part of him wanted to say yes, come down, but another part of him couldn’t face another pair of eyes looking at him with fear and sorrow. So for now he held off and also didn’t ask why his mother showed so much less concern.
Two weeks past with little change, Dr Reeves kept coming by and saying this was to be expected, to not get down, to see it as a process of recovery and that all the signs were that a recovery would indeed happen. Nora and Scotty spent a great deal of time together, not always talking, but knowing the presence of the other made a difference. Scotty had already felt close to Nora, but during those early days he appreciated again, what a strong women she was. Slight and small, she had an inner strength few people he knew possessed and he clung to it for all he could.
When the change happened, it almost went unnoticed at first. It was early in the morning, sometime around 4 am, Sarah had tried to persuade Scotty to go home, but something had kept him there. He had been nodding off for a while, but looked up when he heard the tinniest change in the sound of the heart monitor. He looked up and thought he saw the flicker of an eye lid. Slowly and gradually he walked closer towards the bed. He looked again and once more the eye lids begin to move slowly and as if in pain. The light in the room was pretty dull, but even still he realised the light may be painful, so he switched some of the lamps off.
“Kevin, Kevin, is that you? Can you hear me?” Nothing in response
“Kevin, it’s me, it’s Scotty, we have been waiting for you to wake up, you have been away from us for a while. Listen, if you can hear me, can you squeeze my hand, just let me know that you can hear me.” At first there was nothing, but gradually Scotty felt a pressure on his hands, he had kept his eyes on Kevin’s face, hopeful and still. Gradually, his eyes began to open and stay open, as they did, Scotty realised that what lay behind them was absolute terror, Kevin had no idea where he was, what had happened and what was going on.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dr Reeves was paged from home and came as soon as she could. The team around Kevin when he first woke up had given him a light sedative to keep him calm. Kevin was clearly alarmed when he woke up, the tube down his throat meant he couldn’t speak and he looked scared and bewildered by the faces and contexts around him.
“Kevin, hi, my name is Dr Reeves, you are in the hospital, you have been unwell. I know that this all must be very weird for you. But just now I need to make sure of a few things. You have tube going down your throat, this has been helping you breath. It means you are unable to speak just now. Now you are awake we can take it out, but it will hurt. I need to know you can hear and understand what I am saying, OK”
Scotty noticed how slow and careful Dr Reeves was speaking. He was standing silently on the other side of the bed, alongside Nora, every now and then Kevin looked towards them, but with confusion as much as recognition. Scotty had been elated by Kevin’s emergence, but unnerved by the look of fear he could still see in Kevin’s eyes. Once the tubes were out, then they could speak and then everything would be ok. He knew all the other Walkers were waiting outside, but couldn’t feel past his need to reconnect once more with his lover. He tuned back in to what Dr Reeves was saying:
“So Kevin, can you control your eye lids, blink them for me?”
Kevin moved them up and down once
“Great, so this is what we will do, one blink means yes, two means no. OK?”
Kevin blinked once
“Are you sure?”
One more blink
“OK, I need to remove the tube, it will hurt, but it will help if you try and relax and breath out as I do so, do you understand?” Kevin blinked once more, only once, but it looked uncertain.
“I know this is difficult, but we are all here, your family, Scotty, Nora and everyone else. So when I start to remove the tube, will you do as I say, breath out and cough as much as you can?” Kevin blinked once.
Dr Reeves began to move the tube, Scotty and Nora moved closer, holding Kevin’s hand and giving all the reassuring signs they could. As it came out Kevin coughed and coughed until finally it was gone. Dr Reeves held a cup of water with a straw towards Kevin, who gladly drank, he would have drank more if she had let him. “Sorry, we need to take things slow, OK.” One blink again.
“Kevin, can you try and speak, perhaps say your name?” Kevin did try and say something, but nothing seemed to form in his throat or mouth. The fear and terror began to resurface on his face.
“That’s Ok. Don’t keep trying; I need to explain a few things to you. You were hurt, badly, someone shot you, you have been very ill, but I think you are getting better. But we need to know more about how you are doing, It means we have to do some tests and other things. I need you to know that you have been seriously hurt; but that you are in a hospital that can help you and that you have a very strong family around you, including Scotty and Nora here. Do you recognise Nora?” One blink
“Do you recognise Scotty?” There was more of a pause this time, but eventually, one blink. Scotty’s relief was immense, but quickly followed by guilt, that this mattered so much, when Kevin was still in need of such help.
“Great Kevin, that is really great”. I need to speak with Nora and Kevin for a little bit and then I will be back. OK? You are doing great; we are very pleased to have you back with us”.
Dr Reeves spoke with all the Walkers outside the room; she explained what would happen next, the tests and assessments that were needed. She made various reassuring statements about early days and his underlying strength. She stressed that they should focus for now on the fact that he was awake and that meant they could move forward. The tests would take a while, most of the day, and would only be an indication at this stage, but would be a starting point. Dr Reeves appreciated that they would not want to leave, but if they could just hang back while they did this it would be helpful to Kevin, not to be surrounded by people and things he was unsure about. Reluctantly they agreed. The excitement of knowing he as awake again, was mixed for all of them with the unease that they would soon find out about what damage had been caused and what lay ahead. But, they came together just now to feel relief of his survival and an inner strength that together they could work through everything that followed. Scotty was the most reluctant to but was finally persuaded.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The afternoon of waiting after the rush of joy and expectation of seeing Kevin wake up was almost intolerable. The realisation that it was a huge step forward, didn’t take away the fear and anxiety. Sarah, Justin and Kitty wanted to know how he looked, what Nora and Scotty thought of how he responded to Dr Reeves, instructions. Scotty didn’t want to talk of the fear he saw in Kevin’s eyes, so kept it vague. Quickly they moved back in to the group silence they had got familiar to in the last few weeks.
Around 5pm, Dr Reeves walked in to the waiting room and once more gathered Scotty and the other Walkers together. In the same measured, calm voice she explained what they knew, didn’t know and what lay head.
“ As I said before, there was always going to be damage, but that we wouldn’t know how much until he woke up and we wouldn’t know how much would be repairable and what would be permanent. We know more now and that is really good. In many ways Kevin should have died when he was shot back then. Sorry that sound brutal, but he had no right to survive, but he did, and he has been fighting ever sense. It is just that now the real work begins. He is indicating a lot of limitations in a variety of areas. His speech is well zero right now, he is showing signs of difficulty controlling limb function and his memory looks like it is patchy. “
Sotty butted in: “But it is all recoverable right? He just needs some help and he will get there? You said, he is a fighter.”
“Yes he is, he is a fighter, but no, I don’t know that it is all recoverable. Sorry but I don’t. That is going to take some more time, intensive therapy, real work and effort on Kevin’s part.” She paused for a moment as she looked at the confused and concerns faces around her.
“I’m talking months of therapy, and even then I can’t say now, what we will get back, although I am sure it will be more than what we have now.”
“When can we get him home?” Scotty almost pleaded
“Scotty I don’t know, not now, he needs focused rehabilitation and that can only happen in a specialist centre. In the next few days that is where I want to move him to. They can work on his speech, his mobility, his memory and his psychological healing. To be frank, even if he needed less rehabilitation, I would not advise him to go home yet. Right now, Kevin is a very scared and angry man, you can help with that, but so can we and we need to do a lot before he is ready to go home.... I’m sorry, you want to hear that everything is fine now he is awake, but it is just a stage and we have a long road ahead of us.”
Scotty could hear all Dr Reeves was saying, even understood it and saw its validity but he still wanted to jump forward to a new point when everything was fine again. Knowing that wasn’t the case, but that Kevin was back with them, was some comfort, but only little. He needed to be back with him, reassuring him that he and everyone else were there, ready to see him through the next stage.
When he walked back in the room, ready to show he was there and ready to support Kevin, he all too quickly realised the difficulty of what lay ahead. Kevin looked at him with only the vaguest and coldest of recognition and then quickly turned away, curling up in to the smallest of balls.