hmm
today is yet another day where i write another pointless entry and i don't get any satisfaction or relief. i don't get relief from writing so much lately. lately...i don't know. i can't think of good metaphors, i can't structure my sentences properly, i can't rhyme, i can't be truthful, i can't make the words flow like i used ot be able to. and you know what i think it is? it's not being around derek. i swear to god. he is my muse, my inspiration. i never even realized it until now. just being separated from him kills me, but i didn't realize what it's doing ot my brain. i feel dumber, i feel like i'm incapable of working physically, i can't write, i'm losing my voice...i just feel shitty. my only desire, my only medicine can be derek. no pills. no sleep. no good food. i can survive without anything as long as he's with me. and right now he's not with me. so, naturally, i feel like dying. i can't even talk to him right now because he's in sacramento and his phone is dead. i can't even converse with him via internet. there are 6 days left of this torture, and i swear i am going to cry my eyes out the second i see him. for the sake of relief, i am going to cry. and then i am going to write my hand off and i will feel much much better. until then...i'll just keep disentegrating.