A new year
Hello one and all (and who on earth am I addressing?? lols).
I guess it's still pretty early in the new year, so it's fine if I call this a new year post. :3
I wasn't planning to write this post AT ALL, but eh, got prompted when I am writing my CV. Of all things. XD
Why? Hmm...
The past two years have been quite insane for me. They feel long and yet too short and way too fast. A lot of things have happened. I have moved through 3 countries in 2 years (lols), leaving one that I've been for the last 7 years, and another that I have spent a very fruitful year at work, the latter of which I left in a pretty traumatizing fashion.
And to think - that happened less than 6 months ago.
And to think - I only graduated from school 2 years ago.
That's what prompted this post I suppose. In my current mindset, I feel so rushed and hassled about not having a job, or not doing enough or whatever it is I am feeling. Then I look at my CV and about 2 and half years ago, I literally JUST graduated from school. Yet I was blessed enough to find a job I wanted, and two roles that have been challenging and I did accomplish quite a bit, if I think about it.
My break now is not something I would have chosen, and to be honest, it will take me a long time to be ok with it, to be grateful (hello, call-back to Kingsmead Retreat 2017) for it, but here I am now.
I suppose the point of this post is to remind myself of a couple things:
1. Yes, I didn't plan for this, but now that I'm here, what can I do? What do I want to do? (And isn't this the biggest question?)
2. To be accountable for and to myself: linked to point 1 above - what am I doing? What am I not doing? Am I making excuses for myself?
3. And most of all
Live life
I'll be honest - this is the second time I am writing this, cos of course, the internet died and thus my draft was killed. Lols. But I think this is important, so here we go.
Before I went to my retreat last year, I found that I was floating through life - I didn't care, didn't feel, didn't remember or feel much of anything anymore. It feels like I was living with cotton wool around my brain. It was the only way I could have lived at that time, without breaking into a million pieces and not being able to pick myself up.
I hated it, and it frankly terrified me, so much, that that was the only way for me to live.
During my retreat, my dearest Lord showed me, with inifite gentleness, that He was here, with me, and while it didn't make everything miraculously ok, it did make things better, even by just that little.
And perhaps for now, that's what I need.
I am still not completely ok, but I am better now, and I could breathe a little bit easier perhaps.
So while I am not completey free at this moment to live the way I would have wanted to or have chosen to for myself, I want to remind myself to live each moment deliberately - be it when I work, when I play, when I kendo, when I slack off, when I read, when I am tapping on my Farmville, when I am with my friends, with my family...
It may be difficult, it may be painful, but in 2019, I want to be able to say that I lived 2018.
So here we come, 2018.
I guess it's still pretty early in the new year, so it's fine if I call this a new year post. :3
I wasn't planning to write this post AT ALL, but eh, got prompted when I am writing my CV. Of all things. XD
Why? Hmm...
The past two years have been quite insane for me. They feel long and yet too short and way too fast. A lot of things have happened. I have moved through 3 countries in 2 years (lols), leaving one that I've been for the last 7 years, and another that I have spent a very fruitful year at work, the latter of which I left in a pretty traumatizing fashion.
And to think - that happened less than 6 months ago.
And to think - I only graduated from school 2 years ago.
That's what prompted this post I suppose. In my current mindset, I feel so rushed and hassled about not having a job, or not doing enough or whatever it is I am feeling. Then I look at my CV and about 2 and half years ago, I literally JUST graduated from school. Yet I was blessed enough to find a job I wanted, and two roles that have been challenging and I did accomplish quite a bit, if I think about it.
My break now is not something I would have chosen, and to be honest, it will take me a long time to be ok with it, to be grateful (hello, call-back to Kingsmead Retreat 2017) for it, but here I am now.
I suppose the point of this post is to remind myself of a couple things:
1. Yes, I didn't plan for this, but now that I'm here, what can I do? What do I want to do? (And isn't this the biggest question?)
2. To be accountable for and to myself: linked to point 1 above - what am I doing? What am I not doing? Am I making excuses for myself?
3. And most of all
Live life
I'll be honest - this is the second time I am writing this, cos of course, the internet died and thus my draft was killed. Lols. But I think this is important, so here we go.
Before I went to my retreat last year, I found that I was floating through life - I didn't care, didn't feel, didn't remember or feel much of anything anymore. It feels like I was living with cotton wool around my brain. It was the only way I could have lived at that time, without breaking into a million pieces and not being able to pick myself up.
I hated it, and it frankly terrified me, so much, that that was the only way for me to live.
During my retreat, my dearest Lord showed me, with inifite gentleness, that He was here, with me, and while it didn't make everything miraculously ok, it did make things better, even by just that little.
And perhaps for now, that's what I need.
I am still not completely ok, but I am better now, and I could breathe a little bit easier perhaps.
So while I am not completey free at this moment to live the way I would have wanted to or have chosen to for myself, I want to remind myself to live each moment deliberately - be it when I work, when I play, when I kendo, when I slack off, when I read, when I am tapping on my Farmville, when I am with my friends, with my family...
It may be difficult, it may be painful, but in 2019, I want to be able to say that I lived 2018.
So here we come, 2018.