(no subject)
I keep thinking, 5 years down the road, what would I think, what would I feel? What would I have wanted to tell me right now, to do?
(That's half a lie, I know my motto now, and it's "no regrets", and I feel that if I don't try, I'll have regrets. But, is that what I said 6 years ago too?)
It started off complicated, and many things boil away, with a lot of realizations and understandings. One last thing stands, and it's funny, but it's the biggest thing that remains, and the most poisoning. It has been poisoning me all my life I think, for all that it's love, or some semblance of love.
I wonder how I will feel 5 years down the road.
Sometimes I wish that I can go to sleep in 5 years, and wake up, and just deal with whatever comes then.
But that's simply running away. Running from making decisions, and while that is so typically me that I can laugh, I don't think that is how it should be.
(That brings the question of how it should be though, because many a times now, I sigh to myself, "Sweetheart, what are you doing?"
Strugglingfightingfloatingsearchingsearchingescaping)
It all seems like such a big deal now and in 5 years, I wonder if I'd look back and shake my head (fondly?) and laugh.
But my Lord has told me that He'd be with me through it all (always, He'd said, always), and so I ask him to grant me courage and strength and patience and wisdom and lovelovelove to get through it with Him.
(That's half a lie, I know my motto now, and it's "no regrets", and I feel that if I don't try, I'll have regrets. But, is that what I said 6 years ago too?)
It started off complicated, and many things boil away, with a lot of realizations and understandings. One last thing stands, and it's funny, but it's the biggest thing that remains, and the most poisoning. It has been poisoning me all my life I think, for all that it's love, or some semblance of love.
I wonder how I will feel 5 years down the road.
Sometimes I wish that I can go to sleep in 5 years, and wake up, and just deal with whatever comes then.
But that's simply running away. Running from making decisions, and while that is so typically me that I can laugh, I don't think that is how it should be.
(That brings the question of how it should be though, because many a times now, I sigh to myself, "Sweetheart, what are you doing?"
Strugglingfightingfloatingsearchingsearchingescaping)
It all seems like such a big deal now and in 5 years, I wonder if I'd look back and shake my head (fondly?) and laugh.
But my Lord has told me that He'd be with me through it all (always, He'd said, always), and so I ask him to grant me courage and strength and patience and wisdom and lovelovelove to get through it with Him.