I wanted to tell her she didn't have to stuff her face just that she had to eat meals but I sat and let her get through half of the burger before I finally sat up. "There's a difference, Demetria, between eating more small meals and eating two bites every 7 hours." I looked in my lap as I continued speaking, "There is not a difference between realizing what you're doing is wrong and doing it thinking it's okay. There's not a difference between claiming you'll only starve yourself for a few months and just doing it as long as you want." I folded my arms over my chest, hating that I was lecturing her but really having no choice. "I know damn well it was not nerves that made you pass out and you should never ever think I should be with anyone that is not you." I shouted the word ever, losing control for a moment at the thought.
"Those thoughts won't just go away because you starve yourself. You're going to think it until you're a stick and wasting away. Until I can't hold you tight anymore because I think I'm going to break you in half. And if you think you're going to throw up if you eat, you can tell me that. You can tell the nurses that. They are medically trained to keep you healthy. They could have gotten you applesauce or pudding or toast to give you something to fill your empty belly but to get around you throwing it back up. And if you were going to eat just in small portions, why did I find your entire lunch in the trash?" She started to protest and I shook my head. "Landon needs you, Demi. He's sick and weak. What he needs is a strong and healthy mother not a woman his mother thinks is prettier than she is. That little boy is already in love with you and you can't be with him because you're starving yourself." I wiped at a tear that formed in the corner of my eye, my throat hurting from the effort to not cry. "Your concern right now shouldn't even be on the way you look. It should be on that boy in the incubator. Your son. But Demi, I swear to God that if you keep this up, you're not going to get to see him. Your biggest worry has always been that our children will have the same illness or being screwed up. Our fighting isn't the only thing that can cause that. Seeing you pass out, starving yourself will scar him, baby. Just like how I said I would grow up and stop binge drinking." I hated saying some of these things but she needed to see what she was doing to others as well as herself. "He wants his mommy, Demi. He needs you. YOU need the motivation to not let this bullshit over run you. If leaving me and Landon isn't enough, then the fact that you won't see him until you stop hopefully will be." I wanted to cry so hard, because this was hurting us so much and I hated that.
My heart dropped when Cody told me that I won't be seeing Landon until I stopped what I was doing. Right along with my jaw. But the second I was able to pick them both back up, I was raging. Nobody was going to take my son away from me and I dared them to try. "You're one of them, aren't you?! They got to you?! They're trying to brainwash you? You said no one was ever going to take my little boy away from me and now you're trying to! Now you think I'm a psycho too, huh? HUH?! You think I'm too fucking crazy to take care of our son? I'm a bad mom? You think you're going to take him away from me? The fuck you are!" I threw the tray of food to the floor, since apparently showing Cody that I was going to try was fucking worthless. "Well guess what?! You were right before, no one is going to take my little boy away from me, not even you!" I threw my legs over the side of the bed and as I held onto the night stand for support to stand up, a cup of water on the table went flying to the floor. "Landon loves me! No matter how sick I am! And don't you dare ever tell me otherwise!" I grabbed my cellphone that was laying on the table and lounged it across a wall away from Cody and I, watching it break into five pieces as it crashed to the floor. Cody was now running around the bed to come towards me and I knew that the only way I could get around him and to the NICU to see Landon was to rip out the IV again and make a run for it. I reached my hand to the tape and started ripping off the table, just as Cody's hand stopped my hand and obviously he was stronger than I am.
Now that Cody was in front of me, literally blocking the path towards the door with his body, I knew there was no hope. Cody was faster and stronger than me on a normal day, let alone on a day when I could barely walk and am hooked up to an IV. I knew Landon was going to be taken away from me forever now. I failed him. "I'm sorry, Landon," I whispered to myself as I took steps backwards away from Cody and towards the bed, not wanting to be anywhere near him. "I can't believe you," I shook my head at Cody in disgust. "I can't believe you took our son away from me. That is the last thing I ever thought you would use against me. I guess I'm too much of a disappointment to you for you to let your son be around such a fuck up," I mocked how he had called me a disappointment earlier, which fucking hurt nearly as much as him banning me from seeing Landon. "Fine, you win." When I felt the back of my knees touch the bed, I let myself fall onto it and I pulled the covers up to the top of my head. What had my life become? My husband hates me, thinks I'm a nutcase and he betrayed me. My son thinks I'm a fuck up and a disappointment, thanks to his father telling him that. And my family probably has a looney bin on speed dial, ready to call them up to take me away. No one understands me. Not even the one person that always used to: my husband. I'm not fucking crazy. I started to sob under the covers, except I had cried so much in the past 36 hours that I had run dry my tear ducts.
Demi went ballistic and I was frozen. She started chucking shit and I stood up from the bed, thankful my body was working even though my brain wasn't. "Demi, no, that's not what's happening." She was screaming that Landon loved her as she started grabbing at the IV. "Calm down, Demi! That's not it at all!" I ran around the bed, ready to stop her even as she chucked her phone. "Demi, I never said he didn't love you!" I grabbed her hand to stop her as my eyes filled with tears. She whispered her apology to Landon and I felt a sob rise up in my throat as I held onto her to make her stay still. She stepped away from me and I'd never seen her look at me the way she was right now. My heart was shattering. I kept my mouth shut as I tried to tell her to calm down. We were going to get fucking kicked out of this hospital. Demi laid in the bed in defeat as she pulled the covers over her head. Her sobs ripped through my chest and I couldn't remember us ever being so volatile except that awful November two years ago. I held my fist to my mouth as I tried to force my own sobs in. This was my own damn fault so I had no reason to cry. I scooped her up in my arms, sheet and all and began to take her to the only place that would calm her down. She fought and kicked and told me to let her down. I set her down in the chair in front of Landon. "I'm not taking him from you," I told her, my voice shaking and going weak, "I'm so s-sorry." I choked out the last bit then stumbled backwards to let her be alone with him. I watched as the nurse picked him up and set him in her arms and gave her a bottle for his feeding.
I left the NICU and raced to the nearest bathroom. I locked myself inside and collapsed on the floor, my chest heaving as I sobbed. I'd let my entire family down when all I was trying to do was make everything better. I should just have my stupid mouth stitched shut. I grabbed at my shirt because my chest hurt so badly and the sobbing just made it worse. I couldn't catch my breath through the heaving of each sob. I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them to my chest, not feeling like a man or a father or a husband at all right now. I just felt like the most awful person in the world. I was such a fucking moron. We'd been doing so fucking well. We hadn't fought in forever and now she hated me. I never thought that was her mind set until the look she gave me today. She's never spoken to me like that before. Every ounce of trust she's built up for me was totally shattered today and I could see it in her eyes. I had single handedly destroyed my marriage and my family. With that thought, I clung to the toilet and empty the contents of my stomach into it. My entire body seemed to seize as I continued to throw up. I rolled so that I was leaning against the wall of the bathroom as I rested my pounding head against the wall. We were damn lucky if Landon wasn't taken from us after all this. I heard a knock at the door and I stood up to open the door to see a nurse standing there as she asked if I was okay.
"Y-yeah, just having a rough day." The nurse raised her eye at my then told me I should go sit down cause I didn't look so hot. I slid my feet to go back towards NICU, wanting to see if Demi had calmed down any but I stayed outside, just resting my forehead against the cool window. Landon was in Demi's arms still and I was positive she had to have fought the nurse off once already. He was done eating now and she was patting his back to get him to burp and I felt myself begin to relax a little just at the sight of the two loves of my life. His wide little eyes stared at nothing in particular until she settled him back in her arms where he could stare right at her. I wanted so badly to go be with them but I was positive that I had royally fucked everything up. I smacked my head against the pillar next the window wishing I could go back in time to make her eat that first meal or just so I could ask her to just please eat.
Cody picked me up, my head still covered with the bed sheets and it looked like he was trying to kidnap or something! I shouted for him to put me down and I kicked at him softly, not having any strength to properly fight back. When Cody set me down on a chair, the covers fell off of my face and I realized I was in NICU. I looked around a bit jaded as Cody told me he isn't taking Landon from me and apologized before leaving NICU. I had no idea where he went but right now the nurse gave me a bottle and told me I got here just in time for Landon's feeding. I put a bottle to his mouth before I leaned down to press my cheek against the top of his forehead as I let out a sigh of relief. I told you no one was going to take you away from me, baby boy. You're my little dinosaur. I watched as his cheeks sucked in and out while he drank from his bottle. I was completely doe-eyed as I observed the smallest things about him, never wanting to leave his side again. I knew that the only way to keep people from taking him from me was to always have him by my side.
Once I saw that there were just bubbles left in his milk, I pulled the bottle out of his mouth and pressed him to my shoulder so that I could burp him. He let out a huge burp which caused me to giggle. "Living up to your dinosaur nickname," I spoke softly to him, even though he didn't understand me. I needed someone to talk to since I've been mostly mute for the past 3 days. And when I did talk today it was to argue with his father. I adjusted his position so that he laid on my arms looking up at me. "I knew I could control myself this time. I just want to lose weight so that I can be happy with myself for you and your daddy. I was just going to do it for a few months and then stop. You believe me, right?" I spoke to Landon, very much in need of someone who could understand me. "I miss your dad, you know." Landon crossed his eyes and then uncrossed them again a few seconds later, making me laugh.
A nurse suddenly interrupted as she told me that if he's burped, he has to go back into the incubator so that it keeps his body temperature warm. I would normally argue but I wanted to ask her a few questions so I handed him over to her, only after giving him a kiss on his forehead and whispering that I wouldn't let anyone take him from me again. "Hey, actually, I wanted to ask you something. I've heard about a program through the hospital where I can pay extra and hire a nurse to stay in my room at all times, that way Landon and his incubator can be with me in the room. My body is healing slowly so it's a pain in the butt to walk back and forth to NICU every hour or so. The nurse nodded her head and explained to me how it works and how much it cost and although it was quite pricey I told her I wanted it.
She said she would call an off-duty nurse and she or he would be here probably within the next hour, so it wouldn't take effect until then and I told her that was fine. Either way, I wanted to go find Cody so it worked out perfectly. Before she walked away, I asked her if she could get me a wheelchair, as it hurt me to walk and she told me she actually had one in NICU. I thanked her as she want to go get it and then helped me switch over to it. I wheeled myself up to the incubator to check on a sleepy Landon, his eyes looking heavy, before I blew him a goodbye kiss. "See you in a little bit, dino, mommy has to go fix things with daddy," I whispered to him.
I moved the wheelchair backwards to reverse away from the incubator before rolling myself to the door. Moving this wheelchair was hard work, Cody or Eddy had been pushing me the entire time I've been here so this is the first time I actually use it. I opened the door that leads to the hallway and sure enough I see Cody's back walking away from NICU and towards my hospital room. Was he watching me the entire time? I hadn't noticed him. There was no way I was going to make myself look weak or vulnerable so I sped a little to catch up to him and then pulled it over to the side of the hallway, using the wall to pull myself up. "Cody," I called to him so he can slow down as I walked to him, slow and steady wins the race. I put one fit in front of the other until I finally got to him, except now I had no idea what to say. I hadn't planned that part out. I threw my arms around his neck and just buried my face into it as well. "I'll eat normal," I mumbled into his neck. "I'll eat a low carb diet but I'll eat normal. I won't starve myself anymore. I just love you and I don't ever want to fight with you again and I don't want you to take Landon away from me anymore." I hoped he was willing to forgive me cause if not I just made a huge ass out of myself.
As the nurse took Landon from Demi, I really had no other reason to watch so I decided to go ahead and wander back to the room where I was pretty sure there would be hellfire. I scruffed my shoe against the tile. I was nearly to our room when I heard Demi call my name. My Demi. Not the hysterical one that hated me. But who knows what she had worked through in her mind while I was away. I spun around and saw her trying to walk to me and I wanted to help her but her tone had been so serious and I was fearing the worst. I didn't say anything, waiting to hear what she had to say but she didn't speak. Instead her arms wrapped around my neck and she buried her face in it. My arms wrapped tightly around her middle as she told me she loved me. When she finished talking, I leant down and picked her up under her butt so she didn't have to stand. "I'm so sorry, baby. I wasn't really going to take him from you. I'd never, ever separate you two." I knew Demi must be sore and me holding her so tightly couldn't have felt good but I needed to hold her close to me. "I love you so much." I kissed her cheek before continuing to hug her tightly.
I carried her back to the room and set her on the bed, even though I really wanted to be with Landon too. I sat next to her on the bed as I stroked her legs. I didn't know what else to say because I just felt like a terrible person. Demi scooted closer to me and leaned her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms back around me and I did the same. I think part of me hurt because today Demi chose Landon over me not that it was a bad thing, it just hurt to know that I wasn't number one anymore. I held her tighter wanting to apologize for everything again and wanting to kiss her but not knowing my boundaries. I was still so scarred by the way she looked at me and spoke to me. Part of me still really feared that I had ruined it all. My eyes were filled with tears again, the stress and emotion from everything was just baring down on me and crushing me. I sniffed as I buried my face into her neck. I pulled away from a moment to kiss at her neck then put my face back against her warm neck. Demi started telling me that she requested we have our own private nurse so that Landon could be in the incubator in our room with us. That actually sounded like a fucking godsend.
I nodded against her neck then pulled away to press my lips to hers. She kissed me back, thank God, and I laid down next to her to try and relax but I was still as stiff as a board. I wanted a shower so badly but I was scared to look away from her. I closed my eyes for a freaking second and exhaustion took over. When I woke up, Demi was on her back, one hand in the incubator while she looked at Landon but I was laying on my side with my arm wrapped around her, her legs were still tangled with mine. "How long was I asleep?" Demi told me it'd only been about an hour. I lifted myself onto my elbow and looked at his sleeping form. He really did look like he was getting better. He looked a little chubbier even. I leaned down and buried my head in the pillow by Demi's ear, "I promise that no one, not even me, will take him from you. You will never have to worry about that." I pulled away from her neck to really look at her, "Do you hate me?"
Cody and I ended up kissing and cuddling until before I knew it, he was snoring on top of me. I kisses his lips repeatedly, despite him not kissing me in return. We were only mad at each other a few hours, but I still missed him so much. I hate arguing with him, especially after we'd gone so long without doing so. About half an hour after Cody was asleep on top of me, a nurse walked in, pushing the incubator with Landon inside. My eyes opened wide, excited that I could now have my husband and my son with me at all times. I put my fingers to my lips and signaled for the nurse to be quiet because Cody was still asleep. I pointed for her to set it up to my side of the bed and she placed it right next to me, plugging in the lamp that keeps him warm into the outlet, plus adjusting a few buttons on the IV. She told me she would be in and out and of the room but that if we needed her, to call her directly at her phone number which she wrote down for me. I stuck my hand into the incubator and shoved one of my fingers towards Landon's tiny hand which he automatically gripped tightly. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy this moment, with the two loves of my life. After about an hour of Cody knocked out like a baby, he finally woke up and drowsily asked me how long I'd been asleep. After checking on Landon, he laid back down and cuddled into me, telling me that he promises he won't ever let anyone, including himself, take him from me. "Of course not, Cody Linley!" I answered his final question. How could he even think that I'd ever hate him? I'd told him in the past that no matter what he ever does or says to me, I don't think I'd ever be able to leave him. That kind of scares me but at the same time I trust him enough to never do something drastic to me.
"I can never hate you, baby bear," I leaned in to kiss him. "Hey babe, I was thinking, you should give him his next milk. It's almost time, I'll remind the nurse when she comes back in." I loved the smile that grew on Cody's face and I knew he was ecstatic to give him his milk. I let go of Landon's hand and turned my body completely towards Cody. Even though I felt self-conscious with my belly still big now, he always made me feel loved and sexy. I wrapped one of my legs in between his as I pressed my body against his, leaning in to kiss him. I took his delicious top lip into my mouth, as I sucked on it, since we hadn't gotten the chance to kiss like this in days. Cody pushed his tongue into my mouth and I gladly allowed it in as I intertwined my tongue with his. Cody reached underneath my hospital gown and rested his hands on the back of my thighs, squeezing at them every so often.
Our much needed hot and heavy makeout session, possibly with a little bit of grinding, continued until we heard the hospital room's door handle start to turn. "Crap," I pulled away from Cody's mouth and threw myself into the spot next to him on the bed. I sat up as I adjusted my hospital gown that was showing my ass, thanks to Cody grabbing at it. "Hello," I smiled at the nurse as I pulled the comforter to cover my bare legs. "This is my husband, Cody," I introduced them to one another. "He's actually going to be the one to give him his next milk," I informed her as she asked to come sit on the rocking chair next to the bed so that she can get him set up and teach him how to do everything. As she was training him, I reached into my purse and grabbed out our professional camera so that I could take pictures of this kodak moment. A huge grin formed on my face as she opened the incubator and passed Landon over to Cody. She then grabbed the tiny bottle of milk and helped Cody properly angle the bottle so that he wouldn't be sucking in any air. "My two babies," I had that huge double smile on my face as I watched Cody feed our son, his eyes not pulling away from Landon for even a second.
I breathed a sigh of relief when Demi said that she could never hate me. I'd never seen her look at me the way she had a couple hours ago and it nearly killed me. Demi suggested that I give Landon his next milk and I knew my face had to have lit up. "Are you sure, baby?" She nodded and turned her entire body towards me and I grinned, excited to feed my little boy and hold him. Demi's leg snaked between mine and her body pressed right up against mine as she pressed her lips to mine. She sucked on my top lip and I pushed my tongue past her lips because I was dying to be intimate with her again. I knew there were other ways besides sexual that we could be intimate but I missed being like this with her. I slid my hand under her hospital gown and up her thighs, missing the feel of her warm skin. Demi began to grind her hips into mine which I was ecstatic about because I wasn't sure if doing so would be painful for her. I moved my hands from the back of her thighs to her ass, taking a handful then kneaded her ass. I was so ready to have sex again even though I knew it wasn't in the cards for us right now.
Demi shot away from me and it took me a second to register the door opening. I sat up and looked at the new nurse. I stood up and shook her hand then followed behind her to go sit in the rocking chair. Before she even placed him in my arms she began to teach me how to hold the bottle, how to hold him and how to move him to my shoulder to burp him. I paid close attention to everything she was saying and repeated it back to her to make sure I had everything right. When I was positive I'd be okay, she lifted Landon from the incubator and gently placed him in my arms. I smiled down at him even though he was getting fussy again. I knew the poor boy had to be hungry. The nurse handed me the bottle and as I held it to Landon's lips, the nurse gently lifted my hand a little to make it the right angle. Landon had already latched on to the bottle and was slurping his milk. I probably had the goofiest look on my face as I was in between a smile, adoration, and fear. His eyes were on me as he chugged his milk down. "You're a hungry little dino, aren't you?" His chubby little cheeks continued to practically dance as he drank. How was such a beautiful little boy my son? He was still in the little white onesie and I wanted to change him into something that we had for him but I didn't want them to have to restick his poor little arm with the IV.
He finished eating rather quickly and I sat the bottle down next to me and carefully moved him to my shoulder, patting his back to make him burp. I looked over at Demi who look nearly the happiest I'd ever seen her and I grinned at her. She snapped a picture of me and I laughed as I leaned my head to the side so I could look at him. It only took a few more pats for him to let out a little dino sized burp and I smiled. "That's my boy." I settled him back into my arms and lifted my one arm up to gently touch his cheek. His whole head turned so he could suck at my finger. I pulled it from his mouth and played with his lips and made a buzzing sound. His eyes were so wide that I was cracking up. I leaned down and kissed his little forehead and whispered that I loved him. I was still petrified of hurting him but I loved the feeling of holding him. Landon opened his mouth up wide in a yawn and I started singing quietly to him to help him fall asleep. He raised his little fist to his mouth and began to suck on his thumb as he turned his face towards my chest. Each time Landon did something that made me see that he loved me and knew I was his dad, I felt a little emotional. The nurse waited until I finished singing, even though he fell asleep halfway through the song, to pick him up from me. My eyes followed him as he was put back in the incubator. I stood up and sat next to Demi, wrapping my arms around her as we both looked in the incubator at our beautiful son. I kissed Demi's cheek then rested my head on her shoulder.
I was watching my two men with lovestruck eyes, as Cody fed little Landon until he sucked out every last drop of milk. After burping him, Cody sang him to sleep and Landon was knocked out in no time, having heard Cody's lullabies all throughout my pregnancy. Unfortunately, once he was done, the nurse took him from Cody and put him back into the incubator, closing it in to keep him warm. I wonder how much longer he has to be in there; how much longer he has to feel like a prisoner. Cody came to join me on the edge of the bed and we both just stared in awe at the beautiful creation we had made. We spent the rest of the night switching from watching tv, cuddled into my tiny hospital bed, to sitting up to observe Landon for hours at a time, until it was finally the next morning. The days seemed to drag on while we were here. The nurse told us that after his next feeding, she was going to let us bathe him, with her supervision because he finally gets his IVs taken out today since he has been keeping down the food, so they can increase him to a normal amount of nutrients. Even though I showed some excitement on the outside, no one knew my true happiness on the inside. We were finally getting to do things that normal babies do. Albeit, in a hospital and with nurse supervision, but it was better than nothing and I knew it meant we were taking a step in the right direction.
We couldn't crowd too many people into the hospital's bathroom so aside from Cody and myself, I invited both of our moms to come watch. The nurse ejected the IV from his poor little belly button and after throwing it in a hazardous trash bin, she told us to unclothe him. Cody hadn't made the move to do so, so I picked him up and undid his onesie, towards the bottom where it snapped. I slowly slid it off his body and over his head, handing a half-naked Landon to Cody so that he could do the next part, since I wanted him to get to experience it too. Cody laid him in the baby tub that sat on the sink's counter and Landon opened his eyes wide at the water touching his skin. "It's okay, baby," I baby-talked to him. "It feels like when you were in mommy's belly, huh? We're not going to let anything happen to you," I consoled him as the nurse told Cody to grab the towel and softly rub it against his entire body from the neck down. I felt camera flashes going off behind us, as our moms paparazzied away at Landon's first bath time.
After Cody did the upper half of his body, he handed me the rag so I can finish his bath off. I squeezed the water on the towel so that it falls back on his body, and he opened his mouth and his eyes wide. "You liked that, huh? If you like that, wait til you're big enough so that mommy and daddy can take you to our pool. We have this beautiful waterfall. You'll love it, Landon," I spoke to him while I cleaned in between his toes and every inch of his body. We got him dried up with a soft towel before Cody helped me get him into a dinosaur one-piece. We were going to have a blast changing his outfit into whatever we wanted to put on him now. I never wanted to see him in a plain white onesie ever again, it'd remind me of the hospital.
Cody laid him down in the incubator, at the nurse's request and he knocked out almost right away. That bath time must have exhausted him, as it did me. Leaning over to scrub a dub dub him for so long had my lower back hurting. Cody sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into his lap, kissing the top of my forehead. "I think now we're the ones that need a bath," I laughed softly, although I definitely wasn't kidding.
When the nurse informed us that his IVs could come out today, a huge grin spread across my face. And now we got to bathe him too! We invited our moms into the room to see this with us and my mom was already silently crying as the nurse removed the IV from him. I was still so in shock that our boy was no longer hooked to a machine that I didn't move when the nurse said we could undress him. I watched as Demi removed his little onesie and then handed Landon to me. I held him so that his head was by my shoulder as I moved him into the little tub. His eyes went wide as saucers when the water touched his skin and I felt it, worried it may be too cold but it felt warm enough. Demi talked to Landon so he knew that he was okay and that we wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. The nurse told me to grab a towel and rub it over his skin from the neck down. I did so, making sure I didn't miss a single spot. I picked up his little warm and rubbed the cloth over his skin. But I wanted Demi to get to bath him too so I handed the rag over to Demi who began to finish up his bath. She squeezed the rag so that the water fell back over his tummy and legs and he had this look on his face that was so clearly enjoyment.
We picked him up in a towel and moved him to our bed to finish drying him off and then change him into clothes that we had bought for him. His diaper seemed to be bigger than him but the nurse insisted that it was the right size. Demi and I worked together to put a dino outfit on him. I added the matching knotted hat to his head and grinned. He looked like such a little baller now. I scooped him up, not quite so fearful of harming him now and placed him back in his incubator. Demi and I stood over the incubator and watched as he fell asleep. Poor little guy was exhausted from bath time and the new experience. I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her int my lap as I placed several kisses all over her face. Demi said we needed baths now and I pulled away, a mock offended look on my face, "Are you saying that I smell?" Demi giggled and said I did and I huffed as I laid back on the hospital bed. Demi spun and laid on top of me and told me to come shower with her and I could not say not to that. I pressed my lips to hers then sat up with her so we could go take a shower. I informed the nurse that Demi and I would be taking a shower and she told us she would go get us the stuff we needed. I looked at her confused, not sure what we needed but she returned with soap and towels. Oh, I guess we did need those. "Thank you," I told her, grateful that we had such a sweet nurse.
Demi and I walked hand in hand into the bathroom, me carrying the bag with our clothes and she carried the towel and soaps. Demi was walking on her own now but I could tell that it still wasn't the most comfortable thing for her to do. I turned on the shower, turning the water to warm not sure if Demi wanted a hot or cool shower. When I turned around, I could see that Demi was super self conscious about taking her clothes off right now. I frowned as I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it beside our bag. She had her back turned towards me the entire time we were undressing so before we got into the shower, I wrapped my arms around her and placed my hands on her stomach. "You are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me," I said in her ear. I knew that she was not in any way comfortable with herself but if I could make her realize that I still thought she was beautiful and sexy, she would let her guard down at least around me. I helped her into the shower and I just stood under the water, enjoying the feeling. I was going to be clean again! My eyes were closed while I enjoyed the stream of water that I was shocked when I felt Demi hands in my hair. She continued to scrub my head with her hands, making sure the shampoo got to every inch of my head. I pushed my head under the water once she was done and got it all out before I switched places with Demi and helped her get the shampoo out of her hair. I picked up the liquid soap and squirted it in my hands as I rubbed it from her shoulders and over her arms then done her breasts and torso. Fuck I could already feel myself getting horny. She began to rub soap over my body and as we cleaned the soap off of each other, she made a point to stroke my dick, noticing it was hard. I wanted to protest because it wasn't fair that we both couldn't get off but her hands felt so good after all this time. I leaned down and pressed my mouth to hers, needing to be in as much contact with her as possible.
Taking off my clothes to get into the shower with Cody felt like I was 16 all over again and still felt uncomfortable taking off my clothes around him. Except this time it's because my body is in that awkward in between stage. I just finished having a child days ago so I don't like pregnant but I'm not back to my normal body either. I have unwanted skin and fat in my belly area that I now have to work hard to get rid of. Cody must have noticed my self-consciousness because he came up behind me and told me that I was still the most beautiful girl in the world, while rubbing at the part of my body I hate the most right now. Cody helped me into the shower so that I wouldn't slip, and once we let the water soothe our bodies for a little bit, we helped each other shampoo our hairs. Cody squeezed body wash into his hands and then "cleaned" my body with it, or he was just looking for a reason to touch my newly swelled boobs. I squeezed the body wash onto my own hands now and started rubbing at Cody's chest, slowly moving down to his stomach. By the time I got to his crotch area, his dick was hard as a rock.
I let some of the soapyness fall onto his dick so that I had an excuse to wipe it off, as I stroked my wrapped hand around his shaft "in an attempt to clean it off." Or so I made it seem like. But he definitely knew me better than that, as he leaned down to kiss me, pushing his tongue into my mouth as I continued giving him a handjob. I pushed my tongue against his, trying to get his tongue to back down because I wanted control. One of his hands was rubbing at my nipple while the other one would rub at my stomach. I pulled my hand away from his cock for a second to grab his hand on my stomach and move it to my ass instead, it made me feel so much better about myself. When he felt my stomach, it just made me feel like he was trying to find my flaws to make fun of me. Or I felt that if he noticed how bad my stomach does look right now that he would not be attracted to me. With my ass, I knew he would always be attracted to it. I returned my hand to his cock and wrapped my hand around it tighter, stroking even faster now. My other hand cupped his balls and I massaged them softly with the tips of my fingers.
Cody must have felt himself ready to orgasm because he pulled away from my mouth and made a comment about how he can't orgasm because it's not fair to me. Of course he said this in between moans as I continued jacking him off. "Your horniness is visible, mine isn't," I told him, as I let go of his cock, hoping to scare for a second, in thinking that I was going to stop pleasuring him altogether. Instead, I gripped onto his arm for support as I got down onto my knees and took his cook deep into my mouth, taking him in whole. He wasted no time in wrapping his fingers into my hair and fucking my mouth, and in no more than a minute later, he let out a nice, big load of semen into the back of my mouth. "Mmm," I let out a moan aloud as I swallowed it. He held out his hand to help me stand back up and then he leaned in to press his lips against mine, passionately this time, not out of horniness and need. But when he pulled away, he had a look of guilt in his eyes and he looked at me with a sympathetic facial expression. "Don't feel bad! I'm fine, I really am. You just owe me a lot of sexy time and oral sex when I get better and my period goes away," I warned him as we let the water take off the last little bit of soap from our body. "Ready to get out? I think the nurse must be suspecting that we're taking long by now," I giggled as Cody turned off the faucet.
"Those thoughts won't just go away because you starve yourself. You're going to think it until you're a stick and wasting away. Until I can't hold you tight anymore because I think I'm going to break you in half. And if you think you're going to throw up if you eat, you can tell me that. You can tell the nurses that. They are medically trained to keep you healthy. They could have gotten you applesauce or pudding or toast to give you something to fill your empty belly but to get around you throwing it back up. And if you were going to eat just in small portions, why did I find your entire lunch in the trash?" She started to protest and I shook my head. "Landon needs you, Demi. He's sick and weak. What he needs is a strong and healthy mother not a woman his mother thinks is prettier than she is. That little boy is already in love with you and you can't be with him because you're starving yourself." I wiped at a tear that formed in the corner of my eye, my throat hurting from the effort to not cry. "Your concern right now shouldn't even be on the way you look. It should be on that boy in the incubator. Your son. But Demi, I swear to God that if you keep this up, you're not going to get to see him. Your biggest worry has always been that our children will have the same illness or being screwed up. Our fighting isn't the only thing that can cause that. Seeing you pass out, starving yourself will scar him, baby. Just like how I said I would grow up and stop binge drinking." I hated saying some of these things but she needed to see what she was doing to others as well as herself. "He wants his mommy, Demi. He needs you. YOU need the motivation to not let this bullshit over run you. If leaving me and Landon isn't enough, then the fact that you won't see him until you stop hopefully will be." I wanted to cry so hard, because this was hurting us so much and I hated that.
Reply
Now that Cody was in front of me, literally blocking the path towards the door with his body, I knew there was no hope. Cody was faster and stronger than me on a normal day, let alone on a day when I could barely walk and am hooked up to an IV. I knew Landon was going to be taken away from me forever now. I failed him. "I'm sorry, Landon," I whispered to myself as I took steps backwards away from Cody and towards the bed, not wanting to be anywhere near him. "I can't believe you," I shook my head at Cody in disgust. "I can't believe you took our son away from me. That is the last thing I ever thought you would use against me. I guess I'm too much of a disappointment to you for you to let your son be around such a fuck up," I mocked how he had called me a disappointment earlier, which fucking hurt nearly as much as him banning me from seeing Landon. "Fine, you win." When I felt the back of my knees touch the bed, I let myself fall onto it and I pulled the covers up to the top of my head. What had my life become? My husband hates me, thinks I'm a nutcase and he betrayed me. My son thinks I'm a fuck up and a disappointment, thanks to his father telling him that. And my family probably has a looney bin on speed dial, ready to call them up to take me away. No one understands me. Not even the one person that always used to: my husband. I'm not fucking crazy. I started to sob under the covers, except I had cried so much in the past 36 hours that I had run dry my tear ducts.
Reply
I left the NICU and raced to the nearest bathroom. I locked myself inside and collapsed on the floor, my chest heaving as I sobbed. I'd let my entire family down when all I was trying to do was make everything better. I should just have my stupid mouth stitched shut. I grabbed at my shirt because my chest hurt so badly and the sobbing just made it worse. I couldn't catch my breath through the heaving of each sob. I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them to my chest, not feeling like a man or a father or a husband at all right now. I just felt like the most awful person in the world. I was such a fucking moron. We'd been doing so fucking well. We hadn't fought in forever and now she hated me. I never thought that was her mind set until the look she gave me today. She's never spoken to me like that before. Every ounce of trust she's built up for me was totally shattered today and I could see it in her eyes. I had single handedly destroyed my marriage and my family. With that thought, I clung to the toilet and empty the contents of my stomach into it. My entire body seemed to seize as I continued to throw up. I rolled so that I was leaning against the wall of the bathroom as I rested my pounding head against the wall. We were damn lucky if Landon wasn't taken from us after all this. I heard a knock at the door and I stood up to open the door to see a nurse standing there as she asked if I was okay.
"Y-yeah, just having a rough day." The nurse raised her eye at my then told me I should go sit down cause I didn't look so hot. I slid my feet to go back towards NICU, wanting to see if Demi had calmed down any but I stayed outside, just resting my forehead against the cool window. Landon was in Demi's arms still and I was positive she had to have fought the nurse off once already. He was done eating now and she was patting his back to get him to burp and I felt myself begin to relax a little just at the sight of the two loves of my life. His wide little eyes stared at nothing in particular until she settled him back in her arms where he could stare right at her. I wanted so badly to go be with them but I was positive that I had royally fucked everything up. I smacked my head against the pillar next the window wishing I could go back in time to make her eat that first meal or just so I could ask her to just please eat.
Reply
Once I saw that there were just bubbles left in his milk, I pulled the bottle out of his mouth and pressed him to my shoulder so that I could burp him. He let out a huge burp which caused me to giggle. "Living up to your dinosaur nickname," I spoke softly to him, even though he didn't understand me. I needed someone to talk to since I've been mostly mute for the past 3 days. And when I did talk today it was to argue with his father. I adjusted his position so that he laid on my arms looking up at me. "I knew I could control myself this time. I just want to lose weight so that I can be happy with myself for you and your daddy. I was just going to do it for a few months and then stop. You believe me, right?" I spoke to Landon, very much in need of someone who could understand me. "I miss your dad, you know." Landon crossed his eyes and then uncrossed them again a few seconds later, making me laugh.
A nurse suddenly interrupted as she told me that if he's burped, he has to go back into the incubator so that it keeps his body temperature warm. I would normally argue but I wanted to ask her a few questions so I handed him over to her, only after giving him a kiss on his forehead and whispering that I wouldn't let anyone take him from me again. "Hey, actually, I wanted to ask you something. I've heard about a program through the hospital where I can pay extra and hire a nurse to stay in my room at all times, that way Landon and his incubator can be with me in the room. My body is healing slowly so it's a pain in the butt to walk back and forth to NICU every hour or so. The nurse nodded her head and explained to me how it works and how much it cost and although it was quite pricey I told her I wanted it.
Reply
I moved the wheelchair backwards to reverse away from the incubator before rolling myself to the door. Moving this wheelchair was hard work, Cody or Eddy had been pushing me the entire time I've been here so this is the first time I actually use it. I opened the door that leads to the hallway and sure enough I see Cody's back walking away from NICU and towards my hospital room. Was he watching me the entire time? I hadn't noticed him. There was no way I was going to make myself look weak or vulnerable so I sped a little to catch up to him and then pulled it over to the side of the hallway, using the wall to pull myself up. "Cody," I called to him so he can slow down as I walked to him, slow and steady wins the race. I put one fit in front of the other until I finally got to him, except now I had no idea what to say. I hadn't planned that part out. I threw my arms around his neck and just buried my face into it as well. "I'll eat normal," I mumbled into his neck. "I'll eat a low carb diet but I'll eat normal. I won't starve myself anymore. I just love you and I don't ever want to fight with you again and I don't want you to take Landon away from me anymore." I hoped he was willing to forgive me cause if not I just made a huge ass out of myself.
Reply
I carried her back to the room and set her on the bed, even though I really wanted to be with Landon too. I sat next to her on the bed as I stroked her legs. I didn't know what else to say because I just felt like a terrible person. Demi scooted closer to me and leaned her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms back around me and I did the same. I think part of me hurt because today Demi chose Landon over me not that it was a bad thing, it just hurt to know that I wasn't number one anymore. I held her tighter wanting to apologize for everything again and wanting to kiss her but not knowing my boundaries. I was still so scarred by the way she looked at me and spoke to me. Part of me still really feared that I had ruined it all. My eyes were filled with tears again, the stress and emotion from everything was just baring down on me and crushing me. I sniffed as I buried my face into her neck. I pulled away from a moment to kiss at her neck then put my face back against her warm neck. Demi started telling me that she requested we have our own private nurse so that Landon could be in the incubator in our room with us. That actually sounded like a fucking godsend.
I nodded against her neck then pulled away to press my lips to hers. She kissed me back, thank God, and I laid down next to her to try and relax but I was still as stiff as a board. I wanted a shower so badly but I was scared to look away from her. I closed my eyes for a freaking second and exhaustion took over. When I woke up, Demi was on her back, one hand in the incubator while she looked at Landon but I was laying on my side with my arm wrapped around her, her legs were still tangled with mine. "How long was I asleep?" Demi told me it'd only been about an hour. I lifted myself onto my elbow and looked at his sleeping form. He really did look like he was getting better. He looked a little chubbier even. I leaned down and buried my head in the pillow by Demi's ear, "I promise that no one, not even me, will take him from you. You will never have to worry about that." I pulled away from her neck to really look at her, "Do you hate me?"
Reply
"I can never hate you, baby bear," I leaned in to kiss him. "Hey babe, I was thinking, you should give him his next milk. It's almost time, I'll remind the nurse when she comes back in." I loved the smile that grew on Cody's face and I knew he was ecstatic to give him his milk. I let go of Landon's hand and turned my body completely towards Cody. Even though I felt self-conscious with my belly still big now, he always made me feel loved and sexy. I wrapped one of my legs in between his as I pressed my body against his, leaning in to kiss him. I took his delicious top lip into my mouth, as I sucked on it, since we hadn't gotten the chance to kiss like this in days. Cody pushed his tongue into my mouth and I gladly allowed it in as I intertwined my tongue with his. Cody reached underneath my hospital gown and rested his hands on the back of my thighs, squeezing at them every so often.
Our much needed hot and heavy makeout session, possibly with a little bit of grinding, continued until we heard the hospital room's door handle start to turn. "Crap," I pulled away from Cody's mouth and threw myself into the spot next to him on the bed. I sat up as I adjusted my hospital gown that was showing my ass, thanks to Cody grabbing at it. "Hello," I smiled at the nurse as I pulled the comforter to cover my bare legs. "This is my husband, Cody," I introduced them to one another. "He's actually going to be the one to give him his next milk," I informed her as she asked to come sit on the rocking chair next to the bed so that she can get him set up and teach him how to do everything. As she was training him, I reached into my purse and grabbed out our professional camera so that I could take pictures of this kodak moment. A huge grin formed on my face as she opened the incubator and passed Landon over to Cody. She then grabbed the tiny bottle of milk and helped Cody properly angle the bottle so that he wouldn't be sucking in any air. "My two babies," I had that huge double smile on my face as I watched Cody feed our son, his eyes not pulling away from Landon for even a second.
Reply
Demi shot away from me and it took me a second to register the door opening. I sat up and looked at the new nurse. I stood up and shook her hand then followed behind her to go sit in the rocking chair. Before she even placed him in my arms she began to teach me how to hold the bottle, how to hold him and how to move him to my shoulder to burp him. I paid close attention to everything she was saying and repeated it back to her to make sure I had everything right. When I was positive I'd be okay, she lifted Landon from the incubator and gently placed him in my arms. I smiled down at him even though he was getting fussy again. I knew the poor boy had to be hungry. The nurse handed me the bottle and as I held it to Landon's lips, the nurse gently lifted my hand a little to make it the right angle. Landon had already latched on to the bottle and was slurping his milk. I probably had the goofiest look on my face as I was in between a smile, adoration, and fear. His eyes were on me as he chugged his milk down. "You're a hungry little dino, aren't you?" His chubby little cheeks continued to practically dance as he drank. How was such a beautiful little boy my son? He was still in the little white onesie and I wanted to change him into something that we had for him but I didn't want them to have to restick his poor little arm with the IV.
He finished eating rather quickly and I sat the bottle down next to me and carefully moved him to my shoulder, patting his back to make him burp. I looked over at Demi who look nearly the happiest I'd ever seen her and I grinned at her. She snapped a picture of me and I laughed as I leaned my head to the side so I could look at him. It only took a few more pats for him to let out a little dino sized burp and I smiled. "That's my boy." I settled him back into my arms and lifted my one arm up to gently touch his cheek. His whole head turned so he could suck at my finger. I pulled it from his mouth and played with his lips and made a buzzing sound. His eyes were so wide that I was cracking up. I leaned down and kissed his little forehead and whispered that I loved him. I was still petrified of hurting him but I loved the feeling of holding him. Landon opened his mouth up wide in a yawn and I started singing quietly to him to help him fall asleep. He raised his little fist to his mouth and began to suck on his thumb as he turned his face towards my chest. Each time Landon did something that made me see that he loved me and knew I was his dad, I felt a little emotional. The nurse waited until I finished singing, even though he fell asleep halfway through the song, to pick him up from me. My eyes followed him as he was put back in the incubator. I stood up and sat next to Demi, wrapping my arms around her as we both looked in the incubator at our beautiful son. I kissed Demi's cheek then rested my head on her shoulder.
Reply
We couldn't crowd too many people into the hospital's bathroom so aside from Cody and myself, I invited both of our moms to come watch. The nurse ejected the IV from his poor little belly button and after throwing it in a hazardous trash bin, she told us to unclothe him. Cody hadn't made the move to do so, so I picked him up and undid his onesie, towards the bottom where it snapped. I slowly slid it off his body and over his head, handing a half-naked Landon to Cody so that he could do the next part, since I wanted him to get to experience it too. Cody laid him in the baby tub that sat on the sink's counter and Landon opened his eyes wide at the water touching his skin. "It's okay, baby," I baby-talked to him. "It feels like when you were in mommy's belly, huh? We're not going to let anything happen to you," I consoled him as the nurse told Cody to grab the towel and softly rub it against his entire body from the neck down. I felt camera flashes going off behind us, as our moms paparazzied away at Landon's first bath time.
After Cody did the upper half of his body, he handed me the rag so I can finish his bath off. I squeezed the water on the towel so that it falls back on his body, and he opened his mouth and his eyes wide. "You liked that, huh? If you like that, wait til you're big enough so that mommy and daddy can take you to our pool. We have this beautiful waterfall. You'll love it, Landon," I spoke to him while I cleaned in between his toes and every inch of his body. We got him dried up with a soft towel before Cody helped me get him into a dinosaur one-piece. We were going to have a blast changing his outfit into whatever we wanted to put on him now. I never wanted to see him in a plain white onesie ever again, it'd remind me of the hospital.
Cody laid him down in the incubator, at the nurse's request and he knocked out almost right away. That bath time must have exhausted him, as it did me. Leaning over to scrub a dub dub him for so long had my lower back hurting. Cody sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into his lap, kissing the top of my forehead. "I think now we're the ones that need a bath," I laughed softly, although I definitely wasn't kidding.
Reply
We picked him up in a towel and moved him to our bed to finish drying him off and then change him into clothes that we had bought for him. His diaper seemed to be bigger than him but the nurse insisted that it was the right size. Demi and I worked together to put a dino outfit on him. I added the matching knotted hat to his head and grinned. He looked like such a little baller now. I scooped him up, not quite so fearful of harming him now and placed him back in his incubator. Demi and I stood over the incubator and watched as he fell asleep. Poor little guy was exhausted from bath time and the new experience. I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her int my lap as I placed several kisses all over her face. Demi said we needed baths now and I pulled away, a mock offended look on my face, "Are you saying that I smell?" Demi giggled and said I did and I huffed as I laid back on the hospital bed. Demi spun and laid on top of me and told me to come shower with her and I could not say not to that. I pressed my lips to hers then sat up with her so we could go take a shower. I informed the nurse that Demi and I would be taking a shower and she told us she would go get us the stuff we needed. I looked at her confused, not sure what we needed but she returned with soap and towels. Oh, I guess we did need those. "Thank you," I told her, grateful that we had such a sweet nurse.
Reply
Reply
I let some of the soapyness fall onto his dick so that I had an excuse to wipe it off, as I stroked my wrapped hand around his shaft "in an attempt to clean it off." Or so I made it seem like. But he definitely knew me better than that, as he leaned down to kiss me, pushing his tongue into my mouth as I continued giving him a handjob. I pushed my tongue against his, trying to get his tongue to back down because I wanted control. One of his hands was rubbing at my nipple while the other one would rub at my stomach. I pulled my hand away from his cock for a second to grab his hand on my stomach and move it to my ass instead, it made me feel so much better about myself. When he felt my stomach, it just made me feel like he was trying to find my flaws to make fun of me. Or I felt that if he noticed how bad my stomach does look right now that he would not be attracted to me. With my ass, I knew he would always be attracted to it. I returned my hand to his cock and wrapped my hand around it tighter, stroking even faster now. My other hand cupped his balls and I massaged them softly with the tips of my fingers.
Cody must have felt himself ready to orgasm because he pulled away from my mouth and made a comment about how he can't orgasm because it's not fair to me. Of course he said this in between moans as I continued jacking him off. "Your horniness is visible, mine isn't," I told him, as I let go of his cock, hoping to scare for a second, in thinking that I was going to stop pleasuring him altogether. Instead, I gripped onto his arm for support as I got down onto my knees and took his cook deep into my mouth, taking him in whole. He wasted no time in wrapping his fingers into my hair and fucking my mouth, and in no more than a minute later, he let out a nice, big load of semen into the back of my mouth. "Mmm," I let out a moan aloud as I swallowed it. He held out his hand to help me stand back up and then he leaned in to press his lips against mine, passionately this time, not out of horniness and need. But when he pulled away, he had a look of guilt in his eyes and he looked at me with a sympathetic facial expression. "Don't feel bad! I'm fine, I really am. You just owe me a lot of sexy time and oral sex when I get better and my period goes away," I warned him as we let the water take off the last little bit of soap from our body. "Ready to get out? I think the nurse must be suspecting that we're taking long by now," I giggled as Cody turned off the faucet.
Reply
Leave a comment