I knew whatever Brenda had to say was serious by the way that she kissed me and I looked up at her wondering what was on her mind. When she started to move to sit up I sat up too so that we could be facing each other and I rested my hands on her thighs when she settled in on top of me. She had all of my attention and I listened as she told me that we just needed this trip and that was why we were here. I knew there had to be more to it, and I squeezed her hand to encourage her to speak up when she reached out for mine. Then she admitted to me that she was wrong in the way she behaved right after we got engaged. She apologized before and I forgave her, because if I held onto it then I knew we would never be able to move past it. I also knew that she was sorry, but she would also get so down on herself and sometimes to me that felt like she was trying to play a game to deflect the attention away from her mistake and get pity on herself so that now it's about her and how I should make her feel better instead of how she should be making it up to me. Tonight, it wasn't like that. She was just admitting to me that she was wrong and that she wanted to fix it. It wasn't really monumental or earth shattering, but it meant a lot to me that she could do that.
I looked up at her, not hiding from her my surprise or how much the words she was speaking meant to me. She told me I was her reason for living and that she regrets how she acted and how things have been these past few months. She even brought up how I was really feeling. Doubt. I felt it lately, and I felt a lot of it. I was just questioning where we stood and if she really loved me at all or at least in the way she always claimed to. I hadn't felt like I was her everything lately or like I was her number one, and I saw now that she still felt that way about me. I gave her a gentle smile and looked up her with misty eyes when she pulled back from the soft kiss she gave me. I wrapped her up in my arms and held her tight and whispered out, "baby," into the soft skin on her shoulder. I felt her arms encircle me and I sighed as I felt her playing with my hair. She told me she was sorry and I kissed her neck before telling her softly, "I know you are. I love you." I pulled back so that I could look into her eyes and earnestly told her, "I love you," again. She said it back to me and she barely got finished speaking before I covered her lips with mine. I was so relieved that she really was the girl I thought she was. We kissed, expressing our deep love and passion for each other before we finally had to pull back. I caught my breath and smiled widely at her. "Baby," I called after I could breathe normally. "You are amazing." She tried to tell me no, but I kissed her quickly to stop her. "Shh. You are. You really do care about me and how I'm feeling. You don't leave me out there. You always come back to me." I brushed some hair away from her face and held her gently by the side of her neck. "You're mine," I said a smile and I meant for it to sound more convinced, but I guess there was still that faint lingering need for some reassurance.
I wrapped my arms around him when he pulled me close to him. Sure I had held him like this a million times before but this time felt so much better than the last time. I whispered out that I loved him before he covered my lips with his. I held him tightly and kissed him until I couldn't breathe anymore. I sighed as he pulled back and caught my breath as I ran my fingers through his hair. He told me I was amazing but I shook my head no. "I'm not," I started to say but he kissed me again so I couldn't finish. I was so far from amazing. He was the amazing one but I knew that he would deny it just like I did. He told me that I really did care and that I always came back to him. Of course, I did. He was my love and I'd never go away from him. But I knew that he wasn't really convinced.
"Baby," I said as I ran my fingers through his hair, "I am always yours. I know that I have times where it seems like I'm not but I really and truly am. I'll always be yours and I'll show it in so many ways," I said softly as I kissed him gently and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Do you know how many symbols are going to be on me to show that I'm yours by the time our honeymoon is over?," I asked gently as I looked in his eyes. I could tell he'd never really thought about it before and I smiled softly at him. "Well, I'll have my wedding ring and my engagement ring. And I'll have your last name as soon as we get back to L.A. from the honeymoon. And I'll have my angel wings and probably a "J" on my ring finger," I said as I smiled. "No one is going to doubt that I'm yours. I don't want you to ever doubt that I'm yours. What happened to use in June...that's not ever going to happen again. I don't care what comes out about us, I won't pull away like that. I love you and I nearly destroyed what we had and I hate myself for it. I'm not going to hurt you like that anymore. I swear on my life."
I didn't know just how badly I want to hear her say those words until they came from her mouth. She was mine, for always. When she kissed me, I didn't want her to pull back. I wanted to get lost in her and the love she felt for me, but she had more that she wanted to make sure she said. She asked me if I knew how many signs there would be showing she was mine after our honeymoon and I looked at her at a loss. I never thought about it that way and I couldn't help but smile when she answered for me. She was right, we would have a lot to show that we were for each other and no one else ever again. My smile started to fade though when she brought up what happened in June and that she hated herself for it.
On one hand I was glad that she promised that it would never happen again, but on the other hand I felt bad for how guilty she felt. No matter how much she hurt me I would never want her to be in pain. I knew first hand what it was like to feel that guilt when you hurt the one person who means more to you than anything else in this world. It can eat you up inside. I knew that she was sorry, and now I knew for sure that she wouldn't do it again. I didn't have a reason to hold onto it any longer. I just needed for her to come clean with me and show me that she really did love me, and now she left me with no doubts about that.
I could tell that she was working herself up into getting really upset and I wanted to stop this before it could even really start. "Baby, no. Don't hate yourself." I held her softly by her cheek and sighed quietly before explaining. "I know how you feel. You're all torn up inside because you think you let me down. It's eating you alive. But babe, you don't have to feel that way anymore because I forgive you." I leaned forward to kiss her forehead and then wrapped my arms loosely around her. "Baby, everything you've just said to me and shown me tonight... I believe you. You don't have to worry about me having any more questions because you've answered them all." I smiled gently at her before clarifying, "every. Single. One of them," with a kiss in between each sentence. I gave her a silly smile before I got a little more serious and told her, "you always prove to me that we can last forever. You always show me that you really are that same loving girl who is so considerate that I fell in love with. You want us to be right just as much as I do, baby. I know that now and you always show me." I kissed her softly and whispered against her lips, "I love you." I kissed her again for longer this time on her lips before pulling back slightly to say, "I love you, I love you, I love you," and I pressed the emotion behind my words into her skin with each kiss down her neck.
It was hard to sit and not cry at how bad I felt but this wasn't about me right now. I did feel like I let him down and it did eat me up inside but he knew how I felt. He'd felt that way too before. I held him close as he told me that I answered everything that he wanted to know. I was glad that I had done something right. I just wanted us to be okay again. I wanted us to go back to normally and I finally felt that we could do that now. "I love you, too," I said as I pressed kisses to his cheek. "You'll always be the only one I love and I'll cherish you for forever," I smiled at him as I leaned my forehead against his and twirled his hair around my fingers. This was the way we should always be. We should always be this sweet with each other. "You know, I can't wait to be your wife. I think Brenda Julietta Jonas sounds pretty damn good."
I felt so light. All of the stress and uncertainty was weighing down on me, but now I could put all of that aside. It filled me up with warmth when she told me she'd cherish me forever. I could be open to her again. I could trust her again. I let everything that she was telling me inside and it went right to my heart. I gave her my goofy smile when she told me that she couldn't wait to be my wife. "It sounds pretty damn good to me too, baby. I'll get to introduce you to people as my wife. It's gonna be pretty amazing. I don't think I'll ever get over it." I gave her a tender kiss and pulled her even closer to me. "Forever's not long enough with you, babygirl," I confessed in a whisper as I looked into her eyes. It felt good not to have to worry about how she would feel about the things I said to her or if she was feeling the same way. I had the confidence back that I could bare my heart and soul to her and it felt right to me that we could be this way with each other again.
I looked up at her, not hiding from her my surprise or how much the words she was speaking meant to me. She told me I was her reason for living and that she regrets how she acted and how things have been these past few months. She even brought up how I was really feeling. Doubt. I felt it lately, and I felt a lot of it. I was just questioning where we stood and if she really loved me at all or at least in the way she always claimed to. I hadn't felt like I was her everything lately or like I was her number one, and I saw now that she still felt that way about me. I gave her a gentle smile and looked up her with misty eyes when she pulled back from the soft kiss she gave me. I wrapped her up in my arms and held her tight and whispered out, "baby," into the soft skin on her shoulder. I felt her arms encircle me and I sighed as I felt her playing with my hair. She told me she was sorry and I kissed her neck before telling her softly, "I know you are. I love you." I pulled back so that I could look into her eyes and earnestly told her, "I love you," again. She said it back to me and she barely got finished speaking before I covered her lips with mine. I was so relieved that she really was the girl I thought she was. We kissed, expressing our deep love and passion for each other before we finally had to pull back. I caught my breath and smiled widely at her. "Baby," I called after I could breathe normally. "You are amazing." She tried to tell me no, but I kissed her quickly to stop her. "Shh. You are. You really do care about me and how I'm feeling. You don't leave me out there. You always come back to me." I brushed some hair away from her face and held her gently by the side of her neck. "You're mine," I said a smile and I meant for it to sound more convinced, but I guess there was still that faint lingering need for some reassurance.
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"Baby," I said as I ran my fingers through his hair, "I am always yours. I know that I have times where it seems like I'm not but I really and truly am. I'll always be yours and I'll show it in so many ways," I said softly as I kissed him gently and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Do you know how many symbols are going to be on me to show that I'm yours by the time our honeymoon is over?," I asked gently as I looked in his eyes. I could tell he'd never really thought about it before and I smiled softly at him. "Well, I'll have my wedding ring and my engagement ring. And I'll have your last name as soon as we get back to L.A. from the honeymoon. And I'll have my angel wings and probably a "J" on my ring finger," I said as I smiled. "No one is going to doubt that I'm yours. I don't want you to ever doubt that I'm yours. What happened to use in June...that's not ever going to happen again. I don't care what comes out about us, I won't pull away like that. I love you and I nearly destroyed what we had and I hate myself for it. I'm not going to hurt you like that anymore. I swear on my life."
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On one hand I was glad that she promised that it would never happen again, but on the other hand I felt bad for how guilty she felt. No matter how much she hurt me I would never want her to be in pain. I knew first hand what it was like to feel that guilt when you hurt the one person who means more to you than anything else in this world. It can eat you up inside. I knew that she was sorry, and now I knew for sure that she wouldn't do it again. I didn't have a reason to hold onto it any longer. I just needed for her to come clean with me and show me that she really did love me, and now she left me with no doubts about that.
I could tell that she was working herself up into getting really upset and I wanted to stop this before it could even really start. "Baby, no. Don't hate yourself." I held her softly by her cheek and sighed quietly before explaining. "I know how you feel. You're all torn up inside because you think you let me down. It's eating you alive. But babe, you don't have to feel that way anymore because I forgive you." I leaned forward to kiss her forehead and then wrapped my arms loosely around her. "Baby, everything you've just said to me and shown me tonight... I believe you. You don't have to worry about me having any more questions because you've answered them all." I smiled gently at her before clarifying, "every. Single. One of them," with a kiss in between each sentence. I gave her a silly smile before I got a little more serious and told her, "you always prove to me that we can last forever. You always show me that you really are that same loving girl who is so considerate that I fell in love with. You want us to be right just as much as I do, baby. I know that now and you always show me." I kissed her softly and whispered against her lips, "I love you." I kissed her again for longer this time on her lips before pulling back slightly to say, "I love you, I love you, I love you," and I pressed the emotion behind my words into her skin with each kiss down her neck.
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