Just go
I’m finding it really hard to survive right now. I’m trying as hard as I can and I’m just not succeeding at all. Tonight there was an ambulance and fire truck that came to the house to pick up Nate. He’s been throwing these tantrums right? The kind like when a little kid doesn’t get his way and what do you do? You beat his ass until he stops, or you send him to the corner, and my sister is trying to talk this out with him and all of a sudden he starts throwing tantrums. Now this is screaming to the top of the lungs in stores, outside on the porch, inside, disturbing our neighbors, and then it turned physical. He began breaking windows in the car, attempting to kill my sister (his mother) while driving and opening his door while the car is in motion, punching and kicking and biting her. He threw one today because she told him to turn off the tv, I mean screaming to the fucking skies and kicking and she lost it, she picked him up but he started punching her, and then he tried to run but I stopped him. My mother is sick of it, she’s bankrupt, working to feed 5 people, my sister doesn’t do shit and this family never fucking changes. I can’t sleep because in the morning he throws tantrums, at night he throws tantrums and I just want to sleep, I just want fucking rest. So they took him to the hospital now. I don’t know whats up, I frankly don’t give a rats ass, I just know I don’t want to be here anymore. Just life sucks, I don’t understand the importance of relationships, I can’t stand the fucking loneliness I feel and I don’t want to be home and I have no other place to go. I can’t see my friends in other states because I don’t have the money, I have to pay for my way back to Santa Fe, clothes, books, glasses, to see my doctor, buy my medicine and I still have no fucking money for movies or for school. What was the fucking point of getting a fucking summer job? I would’ve been better off on the street because I came here with shit in my pocket and I’m leaving here with shit in my pocket. I’ve tried really hard to make environments for me to go to so I won’t be so stressful, turn to people, talk, be open but no that’s not possible. My job most of the time everyone there is in a bad mood, don’t want to be there and just complain. Here there’s nate, my depressed mother, OCD and overall fucking bitch god I hope she fucking dies sister and the always crying, whining little bitch Nigel. Can’t really talk to friends, everyone’s busy, always busy, don’t like to return text messages, or even phone calls. Everyone just stays away from me. I only talk to Sarah on e-mail, won’t answer the phone anymore. It’s kind of like being alone, I’m picked up and dropped again, no communication, nothing, I’m just fucking stuck here. Can’t complete my movie, have no alone time because someone is always around. Can’t spend my own money. I’m just losing it, losing faith, nothing can help my mom, she can’t let Nigel and Nate go on the streets, my sister won’t get a job or do anything to support herself and just bitches about how she’ll one day have her own place and car. I just don’t want to be here and I don’t feel welcome at Santa Fe either, like I have no place. I just don’t want to exists, so I’m sleeping and sleeping and just miserable. Summer sucks.