My time vs your time
Some things have changed for the better but I feel like there are some things that really won't. I don't think there's consideration for my schedule or my time, my feelings, my thoughts, my concerns. This relationship still runs on what is convenient for him: messages, calls, hanging out, talking in general all revolve around what is convenient for him.. And I wait around like a dog waiting for master to come home and spend time with me.
I'm not sure if the lies will continue. I'm unsure about that part. I've been lied to a lot lately and the fact that things still don't run with consideration about my time doesn't make me feel anymore trusting. I still hurt everyday regardless if I'm with him or by myself. I have nightmares all the time which I don't talk to about with anyone. Do you know what that feels like? Being haunted by lies, deceit, cheating, constant thoughts that you're not good enough? Nobody knows about what's been going on because I'm still ashamed and embarassed. When ppl ask how things are going, I just reply with "okay" when I should really be saying terrible... I lie to other ppl too I guess you could say and put on a facade that things are "okay" when they're really not and haven't been for a long time. I feel alone but when don't I feel alone lol...
I don't talk about my "procedure" or my loneliness because I know I won't get the support I need. I usually get ignored or brushed off when both issues cause a lot of pain that I don't think many ppl I know understand. Sometimes I'm made to feel worse about myself. You'd think you'd get support from your significant other but I really don't. I talk to a counselor through our EAP program which has helped me feel like I have someone to talk to but at the same time it's sad that I have to resort to a stranger.
I still feel like quitting all the time and that working things out might not be worth it. It hurts a lot everyday and it's difficult to carry that around. I know he's trying but I can't get past the lies right now. I don't trust and I'm not even sure if I love? I just take things day by day because that's all I can really handle. I still don't feel like I know who he is... Like I'm with a stranger and trying to find the person I fell in love with 2yrs ago knowing that that person would not stand for this. That person would not treat me like this and would have never let this happen in the first place. Where is that person? I miss him and promised I wouldn't give up on him and us... But what happens when that person is gone?
I'm not sure if the lies will continue. I'm unsure about that part. I've been lied to a lot lately and the fact that things still don't run with consideration about my time doesn't make me feel anymore trusting. I still hurt everyday regardless if I'm with him or by myself. I have nightmares all the time which I don't talk to about with anyone. Do you know what that feels like? Being haunted by lies, deceit, cheating, constant thoughts that you're not good enough? Nobody knows about what's been going on because I'm still ashamed and embarassed. When ppl ask how things are going, I just reply with "okay" when I should really be saying terrible... I lie to other ppl too I guess you could say and put on a facade that things are "okay" when they're really not and haven't been for a long time. I feel alone but when don't I feel alone lol...
I don't talk about my "procedure" or my loneliness because I know I won't get the support I need. I usually get ignored or brushed off when both issues cause a lot of pain that I don't think many ppl I know understand. Sometimes I'm made to feel worse about myself. You'd think you'd get support from your significant other but I really don't. I talk to a counselor through our EAP program which has helped me feel like I have someone to talk to but at the same time it's sad that I have to resort to a stranger.
I still feel like quitting all the time and that working things out might not be worth it. It hurts a lot everyday and it's difficult to carry that around. I know he's trying but I can't get past the lies right now. I don't trust and I'm not even sure if I love? I just take things day by day because that's all I can really handle. I still don't feel like I know who he is... Like I'm with a stranger and trying to find the person I fell in love with 2yrs ago knowing that that person would not stand for this. That person would not treat me like this and would have never let this happen in the first place. Where is that person? I miss him and promised I wouldn't give up on him and us... But what happens when that person is gone?