Mini NaNoWriMo update - Complicated, Citadel Jack Davenport, PG-13
Finally getting things posted!
This is a request ficlet from gauky_1976
Title: Complicated
Author: joanne_c
Fandom: RPS, Citadel universe
Pairings: Jack Davenport/Matt Rippy primarily, includes mentions of Jack's relationships with Christian Bale and William Moseley and Matt's relationship with Casey Affleck.
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Word Count: 1,155
Disclaimer: This story is fictional and never happened. These are real people but they have never done the things in this story. It is all made up out of my head.
A/N: Written for the lovely Megan, mun of Matt Rippy in Citadel, who asked me for a story about Jack with the prompt of "Can't Help Falling In Love" which happens to be one of my favourite songs. It's roughly current in Citadel verse.
Summary: No matter how complicated things are, Jack can't help falling in love.
Wise men say, only fools rush in, and I'm doing my best... not to rush into anything. Not again. Not that it felt like I was rushing with Christian. It felt natural.
Maybe that's just my natural pace? Or... not?
Perhaps I should consider Will too. We didn't rush, not into something deeper. But there were reasons for that, too. Tom. Christian. My own hesitation because I didn't think I'd be able to give that to someone else, though I don't think I ever told Will that. And... what happened to him was a factor. No, can't put it in words. Don't want to? Probably. I'll admit that to myself at least.
But I know I love Will. I don't even know if I've said it to him, but I know. And he will know. Soon. So there's Will. And now... there's Matt. Such a beautiful and brave person and I know, so many people go through what he has. I don't know if that affects how I think of him or not... well, of course it does, but I don't know how that is, exactly. I mean I'm not falling in love with him because he's so brave and wonderful. Well, I am but it's not why. God could I be more complicated if I tried? Probably not. I seem to do complicated far too well.
I mean, let's see. There was Christian. Complicated? Oh hell yes. Worth it? Also yes. I still don't know exactly what it was that broke us up - might be that it wasn't one thing. I'm not dwelling... not being sad over things I can't change, at least not too much. But how complicated it was... worth every second, every step forward and two steps back. Just to see him smile or laugh. I loved him. A part of me does still and always will love him. But we can't be together. Not now, and probably not ever again. And that hurts. It hurts in ways I can't even write down. I am moving on. I have moved on. But there will always be a part of me that wonders what if?
This is separate from the part of me that wants to pursue a friendship with Christian. I would do anything to have him in my life in any way, to be able to help him laugh and cry and smile even if it's not in the way of sharing his life. That's... not going to happen. I have to believe that it's not meant to. But I also believe that we are meant to be in each other's lives in some way. We connected too well for that to just disappear because we're not fucking each other.
And I am falling in love with Matt. I want him in my life. And again... I may not be able to have that. He's married. To a really nice guy - at least he seemed nice when I met him. I don't know him or anything like that. Casey, that's his name. And there's a son, Noah. Well... that's complicated too. Is it me or is life complicated? Anyway. Noah's young and I know Matt adores him, just from the way he talks about him. It's close to how I feel about Stephen, though not the same of course. There's always differences but I saw a lot of how I am with Stephen there. Which is a good thing.
God, though, I keep thinking of how Matt was with me. He was so commanding, so utterly hot - I knew I wanted to be his the moment he let me know he wanted that too. And the other way around too... that I wanted him to be mine.
But I don't know if that's fair, to Casey. And, equally, I am not sure right now if I care about being fair to him. I mean, I'm not about to break up his marriage - that's something I don't want to do and honestly if it's as strong as Matt says it is, and I believe that it is - I won't be able to. It's really that simple.
I want to be Matt's. I want to be his in every way. I want to wear his collar and kneel for him, and I want to dress in leather and have him kneel for me. I want him to fuck me until I can't walk, I want to have him whip me until I can't sit down comfortable, and I want to play with him the same way.
But it's not just sex. I want to know what it's like to sleep all night beside him, to wake up and have tea and toast and talk about the headlines in the newspaper and what Paris Hilton's up to now - or not as she's kind of boring lately. Not that I keep up with gossip. Anyway. I want to know what it's like to have a shower with him and curl up still warm and half damp and kiss him and maybe get so turned on we make love again...
And there it is - make love, not fuck or have sex. I really can't help it, can't help that I'm using words like this to myself. Because I can't help falling in love with Matt. I'm trying not to push it - I don't want to push it. But I know it's happening. That someday I'll want him in every way. Well, as far as we can have it, at least. Commit to each other on some level. Someday... if it works out. And that is an if, still. Casey might put his foot down. Might say no, he's not going to stand for his husband having a lover. Can't blame him if he does - Matt's a great guy and I don't think that's all my biases. He just seems such a good person, strong, loving and kind. He is a good person.
I'm not some tempter (I guess that's the male form of temptress) breaking up his marriage. We just kind of happened to meet. And complicate things. So we will figure it out. All of us. We'll find what works for us and what's best for Noah - because I will not hurt that little boy if I can do anything to prevent it. He's more important than anything - to Matt, to Casey and to me. To be sure he isn't hurt by any decisions any of us make. Not that I have much influence over Casey, if any, but I think at least in this, we will be in agreement. It might indeed be the only thing we can agree on but perhaps it will be a beginning to understanding each other. I hope so.
I think we'll be okay. Might take some working out but it will be worth it. I know that much already. It's worth struggling for if it's this good.
This is a request ficlet from gauky_1976
Title: Complicated
Author: joanne_c
Fandom: RPS, Citadel universe
Pairings: Jack Davenport/Matt Rippy primarily, includes mentions of Jack's relationships with Christian Bale and William Moseley and Matt's relationship with Casey Affleck.
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Word Count: 1,155
Disclaimer: This story is fictional and never happened. These are real people but they have never done the things in this story. It is all made up out of my head.
A/N: Written for the lovely Megan, mun of Matt Rippy in Citadel, who asked me for a story about Jack with the prompt of "Can't Help Falling In Love" which happens to be one of my favourite songs. It's roughly current in Citadel verse.
Summary: No matter how complicated things are, Jack can't help falling in love.
Wise men say, only fools rush in, and I'm doing my best... not to rush into anything. Not again. Not that it felt like I was rushing with Christian. It felt natural.
Maybe that's just my natural pace? Or... not?
Perhaps I should consider Will too. We didn't rush, not into something deeper. But there were reasons for that, too. Tom. Christian. My own hesitation because I didn't think I'd be able to give that to someone else, though I don't think I ever told Will that. And... what happened to him was a factor. No, can't put it in words. Don't want to? Probably. I'll admit that to myself at least.
But I know I love Will. I don't even know if I've said it to him, but I know. And he will know. Soon. So there's Will. And now... there's Matt. Such a beautiful and brave person and I know, so many people go through what he has. I don't know if that affects how I think of him or not... well, of course it does, but I don't know how that is, exactly. I mean I'm not falling in love with him because he's so brave and wonderful. Well, I am but it's not why. God could I be more complicated if I tried? Probably not. I seem to do complicated far too well.
I mean, let's see. There was Christian. Complicated? Oh hell yes. Worth it? Also yes. I still don't know exactly what it was that broke us up - might be that it wasn't one thing. I'm not dwelling... not being sad over things I can't change, at least not too much. But how complicated it was... worth every second, every step forward and two steps back. Just to see him smile or laugh. I loved him. A part of me does still and always will love him. But we can't be together. Not now, and probably not ever again. And that hurts. It hurts in ways I can't even write down. I am moving on. I have moved on. But there will always be a part of me that wonders what if?
This is separate from the part of me that wants to pursue a friendship with Christian. I would do anything to have him in my life in any way, to be able to help him laugh and cry and smile even if it's not in the way of sharing his life. That's... not going to happen. I have to believe that it's not meant to. But I also believe that we are meant to be in each other's lives in some way. We connected too well for that to just disappear because we're not fucking each other.
And I am falling in love with Matt. I want him in my life. And again... I may not be able to have that. He's married. To a really nice guy - at least he seemed nice when I met him. I don't know him or anything like that. Casey, that's his name. And there's a son, Noah. Well... that's complicated too. Is it me or is life complicated? Anyway. Noah's young and I know Matt adores him, just from the way he talks about him. It's close to how I feel about Stephen, though not the same of course. There's always differences but I saw a lot of how I am with Stephen there. Which is a good thing.
God, though, I keep thinking of how Matt was with me. He was so commanding, so utterly hot - I knew I wanted to be his the moment he let me know he wanted that too. And the other way around too... that I wanted him to be mine.
But I don't know if that's fair, to Casey. And, equally, I am not sure right now if I care about being fair to him. I mean, I'm not about to break up his marriage - that's something I don't want to do and honestly if it's as strong as Matt says it is, and I believe that it is - I won't be able to. It's really that simple.
I want to be Matt's. I want to be his in every way. I want to wear his collar and kneel for him, and I want to dress in leather and have him kneel for me. I want him to fuck me until I can't walk, I want to have him whip me until I can't sit down comfortable, and I want to play with him the same way.
But it's not just sex. I want to know what it's like to sleep all night beside him, to wake up and have tea and toast and talk about the headlines in the newspaper and what Paris Hilton's up to now - or not as she's kind of boring lately. Not that I keep up with gossip. Anyway. I want to know what it's like to have a shower with him and curl up still warm and half damp and kiss him and maybe get so turned on we make love again...
And there it is - make love, not fuck or have sex. I really can't help it, can't help that I'm using words like this to myself. Because I can't help falling in love with Matt. I'm trying not to push it - I don't want to push it. But I know it's happening. That someday I'll want him in every way. Well, as far as we can have it, at least. Commit to each other on some level. Someday... if it works out. And that is an if, still. Casey might put his foot down. Might say no, he's not going to stand for his husband having a lover. Can't blame him if he does - Matt's a great guy and I don't think that's all my biases. He just seems such a good person, strong, loving and kind. He is a good person.
I'm not some tempter (I guess that's the male form of temptress) breaking up his marriage. We just kind of happened to meet. And complicate things. So we will figure it out. All of us. We'll find what works for us and what's best for Noah - because I will not hurt that little boy if I can do anything to prevent it. He's more important than anything - to Matt, to Casey and to me. To be sure he isn't hurt by any decisions any of us make. Not that I have much influence over Casey, if any, but I think at least in this, we will be in agreement. It might indeed be the only thing we can agree on but perhaps it will be a beginning to understanding each other. I hope so.
I think we'll be okay. Might take some working out but it will be worth it. I know that much already. It's worth struggling for if it's this good.