merry christmas and things like that
it's a time of fuzzy slippers, warm robes and hot cocoa by the fire place. unfortunately for us, we are mostly greeted by endless rain and dreary weather. this year's christmas was nice and simple, spending it with the person i love the most, enjoying wonderful dinner, watching friends and laughing about every single thing we can. there is no stopping this, there is nothing i can do to control things as much as i want to. so i guess this is what it has come down to.
tonight, i feel like writing. like writing alot. too much. and i guess i just have to start from
I had feared a certain time like this would come and I would just lose track of all these thoughts and somehow somewhere it would just be buried amongst all the other things i just forget, and it'd be a shame.
I've been very unhappy for the past few months because of the whole E.D. thing resurfacing. I hate to admit that I am a victim of this horrible disease but I am human, and I have flaws. It took me a long time to just let it all go, and now my body doesn't look like how I used to when I would starve myself an entire day, and run 2 hours on a treadmill. I worked my body to its bones and I was always tired. Yeah sure I was skinny, a size 0 but then Malcolm left me because he couldn't take my insecurities and so he said he had to go. I guess I had no one to blame but myself.
I never said why I was so obsessed about losing weight. So I guess it's time to get real and just start from the beginning.
I was never the skinny girl in class. I was a little on the chubby side and truth is, I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I started eating like no tomorrow because I always though I would just get away with it later. My dad and my mom would always call me fat. They would go 'Girl, u're so fat. u better start losing weight.' and all my relatives would go 'Haiyo! So chubby!' and laugh like it didn't matter. Truth is, I just tried to let it go and just make do with my ugliness.
And then in JC, somewhere along the line, I just snapped. I literally just snapped. I just started to run. so running 3k became 5 and then it became 8 and then 10 and then it just wouldnt stop. I grew obsessed about running, waking up at 5 am to run before hitting school. And then when the compliments came in (that i was losing weight), I stopped eating because I wanted to stay the way I was. So I counted calories like it was my religion, and so I guess it all went downhill from there.
4 years down the line and still I havent let go of my ghosts. Whenever I hear people telling me, 'oh my god u look like uve put on weight' and my heart starts to panic because I guess in my head, skinny equals pretty. I know this sounds horribly superficial of me but I just do. I worked out like a dog in the gym, I ran, I did spinning, I did yoga and I did cardio exercises left, right, centre and still I was fat as a turd. Or at least I felt I was.
Then came California. It just changed my views on life, on love, on myself. I don't know how 2 weeks could have such an epiphany upon my life, but it did. And I thought I was going to be okay with everything. I came home refreshed, rejuvenated and I felt alive for the first time in a very long time. I finally gave in. I ate normally and I only did yoga, swimming and a bit of running here and there, things that I still love. I ate like a regular person and the weight started to come back on. I know I'm not obese but I know I'm not skinny like I used to be where the clothes didn't fit right in all the right places (ass and waist). My dad called me fat one day, my mom and her friends have been commenting non-stop that I look like I've put on weight. And I just try to let it go and be happy. But lately it isnt working. I'm more self-conscious and I can find myself feeling more and more obsessed with each passing day. I am afraid I'm never ever going to let this go.
So I guess this comes the hard part. Where the shit hits the fan.
I've been having a horrible time at home with my parents. We've had more fighting matches than I ever have had in my entire adolescent years. For the most parts, I detest their constant questioning of my judgement, and for most of it, it concerns Egan. My mom just wont stop ragging on me about not spending enough time at home and that I am just rebellious, I am ungrateful and I am, in general, a bad daughter. I know I'm no angel, but it's so evident that my brother gets away with more things than I do. But I just let it be. I will be the less successful one, the less talented one, whatever, I am okay with being mediocre in their eyes. Because they don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. For the most parts, I don't even know why I'm born to this family. It is evident that they are very traditional, I am very liberal. I want to leave Singapore the first instant that I can, but they want me to stay here and live with them until I'm 30. I'm not that person.
I like to write, I love music, I love art, I love all these art things that none of them are into.
My mom won't stop sending me to see quak doctors who try to "restore my energy" so to speak. and I am sick and tired of her treating me like I am sick in my head. I am not sick. I just want to live my life like a 22 year old should. I just want to be happy and goddammit, I will be happy if they just leave me be and JUST STOP PUSHING. it's so frustrating, and I am just reaching my breaking point. I don't know what to do. I honestly, honestly, just, don't. and God help me, I am exhausted. I am just too tired to fucking do anything anymore. I am depressed all the time and this is affecting my relationship with Egan, my friends and everyone else around me. I am just a train wreck at this point and I wished I could get out of this rut. so please help, anyone.
apart from all that shit, I had a great time with E and his friends. Of course being boys that they are, they couldn't stop playing this game called 'Left 4 Dead' which is generally a game that involves shooting of zombies and alot of yelling (to each other). Hate to admit it, but it was actually quite exciting. Then there was this particular part of the night that I loved. I laid on his lap on the couch (when everyone else had gone to 7-11 in search of food at 2 am), he would stroke my hair from time to time, and we listened to music, sang, kissed and talked about everything and anything. With him I feel safe, I feel so safe. And I'm afraid once this all ends, it would just be enough to kill me. I'm just praying and hoping it never will.
All else aside, Merry Christmas everyone. Love is everywhere (:
"But for now, Let me say, Without hope or agenda, Just because it's Christmas (And at Christmas you tell the truth).. To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will always love you." - Love Actually
tonight, i feel like writing. like writing alot. too much. and i guess i just have to start from
I had feared a certain time like this would come and I would just lose track of all these thoughts and somehow somewhere it would just be buried amongst all the other things i just forget, and it'd be a shame.
I've been very unhappy for the past few months because of the whole E.D. thing resurfacing. I hate to admit that I am a victim of this horrible disease but I am human, and I have flaws. It took me a long time to just let it all go, and now my body doesn't look like how I used to when I would starve myself an entire day, and run 2 hours on a treadmill. I worked my body to its bones and I was always tired. Yeah sure I was skinny, a size 0 but then Malcolm left me because he couldn't take my insecurities and so he said he had to go. I guess I had no one to blame but myself.
I never said why I was so obsessed about losing weight. So I guess it's time to get real and just start from the beginning.
I was never the skinny girl in class. I was a little on the chubby side and truth is, I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I started eating like no tomorrow because I always though I would just get away with it later. My dad and my mom would always call me fat. They would go 'Girl, u're so fat. u better start losing weight.' and all my relatives would go 'Haiyo! So chubby!' and laugh like it didn't matter. Truth is, I just tried to let it go and just make do with my ugliness.
And then in JC, somewhere along the line, I just snapped. I literally just snapped. I just started to run. so running 3k became 5 and then it became 8 and then 10 and then it just wouldnt stop. I grew obsessed about running, waking up at 5 am to run before hitting school. And then when the compliments came in (that i was losing weight), I stopped eating because I wanted to stay the way I was. So I counted calories like it was my religion, and so I guess it all went downhill from there.
4 years down the line and still I havent let go of my ghosts. Whenever I hear people telling me, 'oh my god u look like uve put on weight' and my heart starts to panic because I guess in my head, skinny equals pretty. I know this sounds horribly superficial of me but I just do. I worked out like a dog in the gym, I ran, I did spinning, I did yoga and I did cardio exercises left, right, centre and still I was fat as a turd. Or at least I felt I was.
Then came California. It just changed my views on life, on love, on myself. I don't know how 2 weeks could have such an epiphany upon my life, but it did. And I thought I was going to be okay with everything. I came home refreshed, rejuvenated and I felt alive for the first time in a very long time. I finally gave in. I ate normally and I only did yoga, swimming and a bit of running here and there, things that I still love. I ate like a regular person and the weight started to come back on. I know I'm not obese but I know I'm not skinny like I used to be where the clothes didn't fit right in all the right places (ass and waist). My dad called me fat one day, my mom and her friends have been commenting non-stop that I look like I've put on weight. And I just try to let it go and be happy. But lately it isnt working. I'm more self-conscious and I can find myself feeling more and more obsessed with each passing day. I am afraid I'm never ever going to let this go.
So I guess this comes the hard part. Where the shit hits the fan.
I've been having a horrible time at home with my parents. We've had more fighting matches than I ever have had in my entire adolescent years. For the most parts, I detest their constant questioning of my judgement, and for most of it, it concerns Egan. My mom just wont stop ragging on me about not spending enough time at home and that I am just rebellious, I am ungrateful and I am, in general, a bad daughter. I know I'm no angel, but it's so evident that my brother gets away with more things than I do. But I just let it be. I will be the less successful one, the less talented one, whatever, I am okay with being mediocre in their eyes. Because they don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. For the most parts, I don't even know why I'm born to this family. It is evident that they are very traditional, I am very liberal. I want to leave Singapore the first instant that I can, but they want me to stay here and live with them until I'm 30. I'm not that person.
I like to write, I love music, I love art, I love all these art things that none of them are into.
My mom won't stop sending me to see quak doctors who try to "restore my energy" so to speak. and I am sick and tired of her treating me like I am sick in my head. I am not sick. I just want to live my life like a 22 year old should. I just want to be happy and goddammit, I will be happy if they just leave me be and JUST STOP PUSHING. it's so frustrating, and I am just reaching my breaking point. I don't know what to do. I honestly, honestly, just, don't. and God help me, I am exhausted. I am just too tired to fucking do anything anymore. I am depressed all the time and this is affecting my relationship with Egan, my friends and everyone else around me. I am just a train wreck at this point and I wished I could get out of this rut. so please help, anyone.
apart from all that shit, I had a great time with E and his friends. Of course being boys that they are, they couldn't stop playing this game called 'Left 4 Dead' which is generally a game that involves shooting of zombies and alot of yelling (to each other). Hate to admit it, but it was actually quite exciting. Then there was this particular part of the night that I loved. I laid on his lap on the couch (when everyone else had gone to 7-11 in search of food at 2 am), he would stroke my hair from time to time, and we listened to music, sang, kissed and talked about everything and anything. With him I feel safe, I feel so safe. And I'm afraid once this all ends, it would just be enough to kill me. I'm just praying and hoping it never will.
All else aside, Merry Christmas everyone. Love is everywhere (:
"But for now, Let me say, Without hope or agenda, Just because it's Christmas (And at Christmas you tell the truth).. To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will always love you." - Love Actually