i heart alan
I never truly appreciated the genius of The Simpsons until the summer that Alan came to live with me in Newport Beach and spent all his time at work downloading old episodes. As long as we weren't dawdling at the driving range, we would go through five or six adventures with Homer and the gang each night.
So it's no surprise now that whenever I see an episode of everyone's favorite American cartoon family, I undoubtedly think of Alan.
The other day, it dawned on me that there is also something really Homer-esque about Alan. It has something to do with being the everyday man that can do anything he wants.
Think about it:
- Homer becomes a minister so he can make money off of gay couples when Springfield legalizes same sex marriages... Alan opens up a lucrative side business on campus sophomore year selling identification cards to sorority girls.
- Homer pretends to be Selma's husband so she can adopt a baby... Alan pretends to be somebody's husband so she can come into this country.
- Homer eats nuclear peppers at the chili festival just to show up Chief Wiggins... Alan pours half the bottle of "devils blood" hot sauce* on some food late night just to show up some Korean guy - and ends up crapping blood for the next week
- Homer goes to the moon... Alan goes to the Caribbean to work on a conch farm for the summer and live on a houseboat.
- Homer ends up at the hospitcal because he has a crayon stuck up in his brain... Alan ends up at the hospital because he accidentally hit me in the head with a golf ball on the second hole and I needed to go to the emergency room.
- Homer likes beer and monkeys... Alan likes beer and has been whining for years that he wants a monkey.
---
The only difference between the two, I guess, is that I adore Alan. And as more than one of our friends have pointed out, I indulge him way too much and let him get away with things that I would never put up with from anybody else.
But how could you not?!
---
A few months ago, I got this phone call from him on a Saturday night.
him: Hey, Jo! We're going to get tattoos! Wanna come?
As I soon gathered, one of our college friends, Dinh, was in town. The two of them were wasted ("We're going to do twenty seven shots today 'cause we missed each other's twenty seventh birthday this year! We're on sixteen right now.") and decided to get tattoos together.
me: So what are you going to get?
him: I dunno. Dinh wants to get a crucifix, so I thought of getting a pentragram just to piss him off.
me (groaning, knowing all too well that Alan was going to end up with a pentagram on his forehead unless I intervened): Alan! You do NOT haphazardly get tattoos of random things just to piss your friends off. You're SOOOO going to regret it.
him (rolling his eyes, undoubtedly): Since when have you ever seen me regret ANYTHING, Jojo?
me (pause. pause. pause): That's true...
I finally talked them into coming over to my place before doing anything rash (pun intended).
---
Thing is, after talking him out of the pentagram idea, we were trying to come up with other ideas and I asked Alan what it was that he believed in. He replied, unsurprisingly, "Nothing."
He thought that it would be funny to get something spelled out in Korean, like "Baek-in," which means "white person." Pretty appropriate since he's always the one tall, white guy amongst a bunch of short Asians.
So I suggested that he just get the "baek," since that means "white" (as in white person but also to mean "blank" or "pure," so it could signify a blank slate since he didn't believe in anything). "Baek" also means "one hundred" too, which is a nice coincidence.
"That's perfect!" he said and hugged me. Awww.
---
... and that's how I ended up on West 4th at 2:30 in the morning, at the only tattoo parlor in the city open til 4am, scribbling a tattoo design with a bic pen while consulting with the artist in residence. I had to draw it, of course, since they - shockingly - did not have a template for the Korean word for "white" in their books and books of sample tattoos.
But that being said, I was pretty pleased with my masterpiece:
--
(It makes me really sad that he's moving to Singapore in a few weeks. No more stupid late-night adventures until I decide to go visit him, I guess. )
______________________________________________
*Note: I stupidly brought home the devil's blood hot sauce for him from Vegas. That stuff was lethal! Once, I put five drops in a gallon of chili I was making and it got so spicy that I ended up eating corn bread for dinner.
So it's no surprise now that whenever I see an episode of everyone's favorite American cartoon family, I undoubtedly think of Alan.
The other day, it dawned on me that there is also something really Homer-esque about Alan. It has something to do with being the everyday man that can do anything he wants.
Think about it:
- Homer becomes a minister so he can make money off of gay couples when Springfield legalizes same sex marriages... Alan opens up a lucrative side business on campus sophomore year selling identification cards to sorority girls.
- Homer pretends to be Selma's husband so she can adopt a baby... Alan pretends to be somebody's husband so she can come into this country.
- Homer eats nuclear peppers at the chili festival just to show up Chief Wiggins... Alan pours half the bottle of "devils blood" hot sauce* on some food late night just to show up some Korean guy - and ends up crapping blood for the next week
- Homer goes to the moon... Alan goes to the Caribbean to work on a conch farm for the summer and live on a houseboat.
- Homer ends up at the hospitcal because he has a crayon stuck up in his brain... Alan ends up at the hospital because he accidentally hit me in the head with a golf ball on the second hole and I needed to go to the emergency room.
- Homer likes beer and monkeys... Alan likes beer and has been whining for years that he wants a monkey.
---
The only difference between the two, I guess, is that I adore Alan. And as more than one of our friends have pointed out, I indulge him way too much and let him get away with things that I would never put up with from anybody else.
But how could you not?!
---
A few months ago, I got this phone call from him on a Saturday night.
him: Hey, Jo! We're going to get tattoos! Wanna come?
As I soon gathered, one of our college friends, Dinh, was in town. The two of them were wasted ("We're going to do twenty seven shots today 'cause we missed each other's twenty seventh birthday this year! We're on sixteen right now.") and decided to get tattoos together.
me: So what are you going to get?
him: I dunno. Dinh wants to get a crucifix, so I thought of getting a pentragram just to piss him off.
me (groaning, knowing all too well that Alan was going to end up with a pentagram on his forehead unless I intervened): Alan! You do NOT haphazardly get tattoos of random things just to piss your friends off. You're SOOOO going to regret it.
him (rolling his eyes, undoubtedly): Since when have you ever seen me regret ANYTHING, Jojo?
me (pause. pause. pause): That's true...
I finally talked them into coming over to my place before doing anything rash (pun intended).
---
Thing is, after talking him out of the pentagram idea, we were trying to come up with other ideas and I asked Alan what it was that he believed in. He replied, unsurprisingly, "Nothing."
He thought that it would be funny to get something spelled out in Korean, like "Baek-in," which means "white person." Pretty appropriate since he's always the one tall, white guy amongst a bunch of short Asians.
So I suggested that he just get the "baek," since that means "white" (as in white person but also to mean "blank" or "pure," so it could signify a blank slate since he didn't believe in anything). "Baek" also means "one hundred" too, which is a nice coincidence.
"That's perfect!" he said and hugged me. Awww.
---
... and that's how I ended up on West 4th at 2:30 in the morning, at the only tattoo parlor in the city open til 4am, scribbling a tattoo design with a bic pen while consulting with the artist in residence. I had to draw it, of course, since they - shockingly - did not have a template for the Korean word for "white" in their books and books of sample tattoos.
But that being said, I was pretty pleased with my masterpiece:
--
(It makes me really sad that he's moving to Singapore in a few weeks. No more stupid late-night adventures until I decide to go visit him, I guess. )
______________________________________________
*Note: I stupidly brought home the devil's blood hot sauce for him from Vegas. That stuff was lethal! Once, I put five drops in a gallon of chili I was making and it got so spicy that I ended up eating corn bread for dinner.