carpe diem
Have you ever seen the rain sprinkle down on the ocean? It's so beautiful that it would probably make you gasp too.
We were in the Dominican Republic a few months ago. We had gone kayaking and were almost on our way back to land when it started.
The waves surged bravely onward toward the shore, as they always have and will. Meanwhile, the droplets fell all around, making their own temporary - but still very real - imprints onto the rippled surface, little spheres of influence that faded into the vastness of the sea.
I had to stop paddling and lay back for a moment, one foot dangling out in the water, to feel the pulse of the ocean between my toes. I watched the rain drops fall and thought to myself that it was one of the most dizzying and beautiful things I had ever seen.
________________________________________
How do you write your blog entries? Do you just start typing away at the large, empty box that is provided or do you jot down all your private thoughts on post-its and then decide to share those pieces of yourself that you deem most agreeable?
I make mental notes of stuff that happens during my day and then type some of these ideas out on Outlook when I get a chance, as if I am writing myself an e-mail. I don't know why it has to be on Outlook, but it just does.
And then I save these snippets, eventually picking and choosing the ones I decide to share and the ones I decide to erase (although a lot of them sort of end up in blog entry purgatory - you should see my "draft" box, it's like a little morgue for all the entries that never saw the LCD-light of day).
It occured to me today that I started writing almost six years ago. Back then, I had just gotten back into the country and out of a relationship (the one that I thought started with a capital "R" - although nowadays, he and I both laugh about this). I thought I just needed a new perspective, so I signed up for a photography class and took up blogging.... It just seems words and I are better friends than pictures ever could be.
Since then, every single word I have shared has been written with a lot of deliberation. Not because I'm careful by nature, mind you, but just because I am plagued with uneasiness each time I press "submit." I wonder what it is I'm doing because it seems to be so awfully narcissistic and silly to be sharing these details of my life. (Do I take myself too seriously or not seriously enough?)... And yet, I still come back each time.
And through the years, I've shared my heartaches and everyday amusements, made new friends (some of whom I actually had the pleasure of meeting in person), developed crushes, and even kept old friends informed about the things that were going on in my life. Isn't technology such a crazy thing?
These days, I write for my dear friends whom I love but never get to spend enough time with - funny how Ohio and Boston are just as far (and just as close) as Paris and Hong Kong. I know they check in periodically to see what I am ranting about lately.... I write for my brother who never heard all the words I needed to share with him.... I write for you, who do me the great honor of sharing your thoughts even though we have never met.... And I write for myself.
________________________________________
Speaking of which, on New Year's Eve, I had a whole entry composed in my head that I wanted share with you.
I was going to tell you about how a year ago, I was wandering through the streets of a city that practically doesn't exist anymore, a pit stop on a long drive north to a place that was once home and to a life that wasn't exactly my choosing. I was nursing a broken life, a broken family and a broken heart - all at once - and was too stunned to do much more than simply take up space.
I was going to tell you about how, just off of Bourbon Street, I sat across from a dear friend and held out my glass of cheap house wine. That little bit of alcohol gave me the courage to say "hello" to 2005. And I swore to myself that I would survive. That was my resolution for 2005 - survival.
And this became the theme of my year, excusing me of actually taking part in life because all I had obligated myself to do was to get through the day. And when "today" was over, I just needed to get through "tomorrow."
But sometime toward the end of the year, I realized that I was sick of living this way. I was sick of being broken. That just wasn't me. I was done with seeking one escape after another.
Soooo, I was going to tell you that 2006 was going to be different.
Surrounded by all the people I love and holding onto the voice of the man I adore on the phone, I toasted the new year. It was going to start and end with a bang, no whimpers allowed. I would do Eliot proud, you would see.
________________________________________
But the year started off very differently than I had imagined. I'll spare you the details....
It's now clearer to me that there are things I can control and things I cannot. For this wisdom, I am grateful.
But I find that it has gotten harder and harder to distinguish between what is timeless and what is ephemeral. (And maybe they're the same thing.... Maybe it doesn't matter anyway). I'm trying to let these things be, instead of dogmatically insisting that they have to be in one camp or the other.
But mostly these days, I am learning how to let myself be.
I've gotten little glimpses of that harmony I have always been seeking - in the lines of my mother's lips as she smiles at me; in the quiet afternoon sunshine that dribbles into my living room as I attempt to complete another sudoku; in the droplet of rain that completely surrenders itself to the puddle in front of me, as I put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking.
Cheers to the new year.
We were in the Dominican Republic a few months ago. We had gone kayaking and were almost on our way back to land when it started.
The waves surged bravely onward toward the shore, as they always have and will. Meanwhile, the droplets fell all around, making their own temporary - but still very real - imprints onto the rippled surface, little spheres of influence that faded into the vastness of the sea.
I had to stop paddling and lay back for a moment, one foot dangling out in the water, to feel the pulse of the ocean between my toes. I watched the rain drops fall and thought to myself that it was one of the most dizzying and beautiful things I had ever seen.
________________________________________
How do you write your blog entries? Do you just start typing away at the large, empty box that is provided or do you jot down all your private thoughts on post-its and then decide to share those pieces of yourself that you deem most agreeable?
I make mental notes of stuff that happens during my day and then type some of these ideas out on Outlook when I get a chance, as if I am writing myself an e-mail. I don't know why it has to be on Outlook, but it just does.
And then I save these snippets, eventually picking and choosing the ones I decide to share and the ones I decide to erase (although a lot of them sort of end up in blog entry purgatory - you should see my "draft" box, it's like a little morgue for all the entries that never saw the LCD-light of day).
It occured to me today that I started writing almost six years ago. Back then, I had just gotten back into the country and out of a relationship (the one that I thought started with a capital "R" - although nowadays, he and I both laugh about this). I thought I just needed a new perspective, so I signed up for a photography class and took up blogging.... It just seems words and I are better friends than pictures ever could be.
Since then, every single word I have shared has been written with a lot of deliberation. Not because I'm careful by nature, mind you, but just because I am plagued with uneasiness each time I press "submit." I wonder what it is I'm doing because it seems to be so awfully narcissistic and silly to be sharing these details of my life. (Do I take myself too seriously or not seriously enough?)... And yet, I still come back each time.
And through the years, I've shared my heartaches and everyday amusements, made new friends (some of whom I actually had the pleasure of meeting in person), developed crushes, and even kept old friends informed about the things that were going on in my life. Isn't technology such a crazy thing?
These days, I write for my dear friends whom I love but never get to spend enough time with - funny how Ohio and Boston are just as far (and just as close) as Paris and Hong Kong. I know they check in periodically to see what I am ranting about lately.... I write for my brother who never heard all the words I needed to share with him.... I write for you, who do me the great honor of sharing your thoughts even though we have never met.... And I write for myself.
________________________________________
Speaking of which, on New Year's Eve, I had a whole entry composed in my head that I wanted share with you.
I was going to tell you about how a year ago, I was wandering through the streets of a city that practically doesn't exist anymore, a pit stop on a long drive north to a place that was once home and to a life that wasn't exactly my choosing. I was nursing a broken life, a broken family and a broken heart - all at once - and was too stunned to do much more than simply take up space.
I was going to tell you about how, just off of Bourbon Street, I sat across from a dear friend and held out my glass of cheap house wine. That little bit of alcohol gave me the courage to say "hello" to 2005. And I swore to myself that I would survive. That was my resolution for 2005 - survival.
And this became the theme of my year, excusing me of actually taking part in life because all I had obligated myself to do was to get through the day. And when "today" was over, I just needed to get through "tomorrow."
But sometime toward the end of the year, I realized that I was sick of living this way. I was sick of being broken. That just wasn't me. I was done with seeking one escape after another.
Soooo, I was going to tell you that 2006 was going to be different.
Surrounded by all the people I love and holding onto the voice of the man I adore on the phone, I toasted the new year. It was going to start and end with a bang, no whimpers allowed. I would do Eliot proud, you would see.
________________________________________
But the year started off very differently than I had imagined. I'll spare you the details....
It's now clearer to me that there are things I can control and things I cannot. For this wisdom, I am grateful.
But I find that it has gotten harder and harder to distinguish between what is timeless and what is ephemeral. (And maybe they're the same thing.... Maybe it doesn't matter anyway). I'm trying to let these things be, instead of dogmatically insisting that they have to be in one camp or the other.
But mostly these days, I am learning how to let myself be.
I've gotten little glimpses of that harmony I have always been seeking - in the lines of my mother's lips as she smiles at me; in the quiet afternoon sunshine that dribbles into my living room as I attempt to complete another sudoku; in the droplet of rain that completely surrenders itself to the puddle in front of me, as I put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking.
Cheers to the new year.