not even a fraction of it.
although i feel so completely lost i feel like i have found a new love for myself
i can look myself in the mirror and know certain characteristics that i want to change
and i can make those changes. i can be who i want to be.
i can treat other people how i want to be treated. i can refuse treatment that is less than deserved.
it is 5:30 in the morning and i am awake. i am so lost in my own head and consumed with all of these thoughts about the choices that i have made for myself.
i really wish that you would realize that you aren't fooling anyone, especially me. you will never have me where you want me. never again. i am so insulted.
i won't sell myself for the price tag that you have placed on me.
the feeling of abandonment is a constant in my life. that is so sad. it is such a lonely feeling that i dont have anyone to cry to anymore. all i want to do is cry. i miss the comfort. i miss it so much. i have no comfort anymore. i lose myself in other peoples problems. i am hurting. it is so suppressed.. but at the end of the week it consumes me.
the only reason that i have been so independent for so many years is simply that i honestly feel that i can't truly depend on anyone. people are naturally so selfish. it is my own fault for not being able to ask for help when i need it and it is my own fault for shutting down when i feel most vulnerable and upset. i cannot find words sometimes.. and other times i am afraid to say the wrong thing so i think long and hard and try to collect my thoughts in this incredibly scattered brain that i have. it takes time. i am sincere. i am not cold.. ever. i am just confused. i am just 20. why do you ask so much of me? why do you expect so much? when do i get my fucking break? where is my fucking break?
i cant decide if these feelings come from you coming down so hard on me or if they come from me beating it into myself? i am so worn.
thanks fuck bags. thank you for showing me how hard it is to find someone worth trusting.
i know there are people in my life who care about me. that is not what this is about. i have made such good friendships and relationships with the people that i am surrounding myself with. i dont know what will come from each of them individually but i trust that i am building great foundation. do not read this and assume it is a pity cry.
there is no structure to this rant. sometimes i don't know how to gather my thoughts in a structured way. i get them out. its healthy.. i just work a little harder at it.
and as for the 2 of you.. i showed you me. all of me. you saw all of my good qualities and all of my bad. i am sorry for my losses. while maintaining confidence and knowing that i am a good person i really can admit that i am not entirely sure that you would say the same about me. you know no remorse.
i always have such a hard time letting go of anyone.. or anything for that matter
i came to the realization that while im holding on as tight as i can
you guys were not holding onto me. thats what hurts the most.
trying so hard and seeing that im the only one pushing.. because once i stopped trying there was nothing.
the pages are turning and i am moving very quickly into a different chapter of my life. i hate that i dont make sense half of the time. i dont make sense inwardly.. how am i supposed to make sense outwardly.
i am self conscious about my feelings.
judge me.
i can look myself in the mirror and know certain characteristics that i want to change
and i can make those changes. i can be who i want to be.
i can treat other people how i want to be treated. i can refuse treatment that is less than deserved.
it is 5:30 in the morning and i am awake. i am so lost in my own head and consumed with all of these thoughts about the choices that i have made for myself.
i really wish that you would realize that you aren't fooling anyone, especially me. you will never have me where you want me. never again. i am so insulted.
i won't sell myself for the price tag that you have placed on me.
the feeling of abandonment is a constant in my life. that is so sad. it is such a lonely feeling that i dont have anyone to cry to anymore. all i want to do is cry. i miss the comfort. i miss it so much. i have no comfort anymore. i lose myself in other peoples problems. i am hurting. it is so suppressed.. but at the end of the week it consumes me.
the only reason that i have been so independent for so many years is simply that i honestly feel that i can't truly depend on anyone. people are naturally so selfish. it is my own fault for not being able to ask for help when i need it and it is my own fault for shutting down when i feel most vulnerable and upset. i cannot find words sometimes.. and other times i am afraid to say the wrong thing so i think long and hard and try to collect my thoughts in this incredibly scattered brain that i have. it takes time. i am sincere. i am not cold.. ever. i am just confused. i am just 20. why do you ask so much of me? why do you expect so much? when do i get my fucking break? where is my fucking break?
i cant decide if these feelings come from you coming down so hard on me or if they come from me beating it into myself? i am so worn.
thanks fuck bags. thank you for showing me how hard it is to find someone worth trusting.
i know there are people in my life who care about me. that is not what this is about. i have made such good friendships and relationships with the people that i am surrounding myself with. i dont know what will come from each of them individually but i trust that i am building great foundation. do not read this and assume it is a pity cry.
there is no structure to this rant. sometimes i don't know how to gather my thoughts in a structured way. i get them out. its healthy.. i just work a little harder at it.
and as for the 2 of you.. i showed you me. all of me. you saw all of my good qualities and all of my bad. i am sorry for my losses. while maintaining confidence and knowing that i am a good person i really can admit that i am not entirely sure that you would say the same about me. you know no remorse.
i always have such a hard time letting go of anyone.. or anything for that matter
i came to the realization that while im holding on as tight as i can
you guys were not holding onto me. thats what hurts the most.
trying so hard and seeing that im the only one pushing.. because once i stopped trying there was nothing.
the pages are turning and i am moving very quickly into a different chapter of my life. i hate that i dont make sense half of the time. i dont make sense inwardly.. how am i supposed to make sense outwardly.
i am self conscious about my feelings.
judge me.