(no subject)
i'm not as happy as i thought.
or let on.
or pretended i was.
or wanted to be.
i can't help it. sometimes i just want to fuck it and make everything stop.
the drama.
the fights.
the sadness.
the faking it.
the not caring when all i want to do is run up to everyone and hug them and have them tell me everythings going to be okay when it's not and the only people who have ever told me that are people who were only there for the ride. and all the people who should have said it never even noticed all i ever wanted was a hug and an "i love you". but the opportunity was never there.
there's soemthing eerie about the fact that after i cry i am t he coldest i have felt in awhile and my hands shake and my heart breaks into tinier and tinier pieces and i cant help but hope for something more.
you're only looking out for yourself. because quite frankly if you even gave a shit about anyone else you would never put yourself ahead of anyone. no matter how much you hated them. you would take your entire wallet and give it to some homeless guy down the street. even if you knew he was gonna spend it on booze. you wouldnt buy your stupid million dollar car, you'd be in darfur and making a difference. you wouldn't be sitting on this lameass computer seeing who commetns you and who doesnt. when someone calls for help, youd already be on the way because you knew before they needed to ask for help. we're all selfish assholes and don't ever say you aren't. you would know then how hard it is for me and every time i show that i'm mad i have to forgive because god forbid i ever get mad at someone who supposedly gives me "everything". all i wanted was ounce of confience that you led me to and one ounce of feeling that showed that you cared. but no. i'm selfish. i never care about anyone. so all those times i've cried because i can't stop thinking about people who have less than me and i've just been an ashsole and i'm trying to change mean nothing. all those times i've been geniunely considerate and thoughtful will never be known until the day that i die. no one will ever care until i'm in a grave waiting for something more. those feelings will be gone in a day i promise you that. no one will know what they put me througha nd how i've tried so many times to make myself disappear so you all would stop whining and complaining about my stupid bullshit. we'd both be out of this misery. but i'm stopping the hypocrisy and not going to do anything. i used to like doign the "fuck you" to anyone who didn't like me. but now i'm leanign towards the "i know. i'm sorry" no one can ever be wrong and no one can ever be sad. because sadness is weak and crying is dramatic.
at least i feel.
or let on.
or pretended i was.
or wanted to be.
i can't help it. sometimes i just want to fuck it and make everything stop.
the drama.
the fights.
the sadness.
the faking it.
the not caring when all i want to do is run up to everyone and hug them and have them tell me everythings going to be okay when it's not and the only people who have ever told me that are people who were only there for the ride. and all the people who should have said it never even noticed all i ever wanted was a hug and an "i love you". but the opportunity was never there.
there's soemthing eerie about the fact that after i cry i am t he coldest i have felt in awhile and my hands shake and my heart breaks into tinier and tinier pieces and i cant help but hope for something more.
you're only looking out for yourself. because quite frankly if you even gave a shit about anyone else you would never put yourself ahead of anyone. no matter how much you hated them. you would take your entire wallet and give it to some homeless guy down the street. even if you knew he was gonna spend it on booze. you wouldnt buy your stupid million dollar car, you'd be in darfur and making a difference. you wouldn't be sitting on this lameass computer seeing who commetns you and who doesnt. when someone calls for help, youd already be on the way because you knew before they needed to ask for help. we're all selfish assholes and don't ever say you aren't. you would know then how hard it is for me and every time i show that i'm mad i have to forgive because god forbid i ever get mad at someone who supposedly gives me "everything". all i wanted was ounce of confience that you led me to and one ounce of feeling that showed that you cared. but no. i'm selfish. i never care about anyone. so all those times i've cried because i can't stop thinking about people who have less than me and i've just been an ashsole and i'm trying to change mean nothing. all those times i've been geniunely considerate and thoughtful will never be known until the day that i die. no one will ever care until i'm in a grave waiting for something more. those feelings will be gone in a day i promise you that. no one will know what they put me througha nd how i've tried so many times to make myself disappear so you all would stop whining and complaining about my stupid bullshit. we'd both be out of this misery. but i'm stopping the hypocrisy and not going to do anything. i used to like doign the "fuck you" to anyone who didn't like me. but now i'm leanign towards the "i know. i'm sorry" no one can ever be wrong and no one can ever be sad. because sadness is weak and crying is dramatic.
at least i feel.