A rather long an unexpected rant...
Blargh...I'm supposed to be on spring break but somehow I just haven't found the time to fit it into my schedule. Ironic really. I have a midterm in accounting and Sociology due by the end of break Neither of which have I started. The group I'm supposed to be working with doesn't seem to want to cooperate. One is going out of town, the other works just about as much as I do, and well.. the last one, Jael, she's good. She shows up as I ask, contributes productive and creative ideas and is willing to share the burden.
*Sighs* It's kinda sad but I keep looking for friends to fill up this void that I feel and when I find possible prospects I find all the reasons why it wouldn't work. They're too flaky, shallow, non-compatible. Honestly I think someone would practically need a resume with full credentials to pass. What's truly depressing is that I had them. Really truly loyal and dependable friends; those once-in-a-lifetime, with you through thick and thin pals. I took them for granted, something I thought I could never do. I let the "drama" get in between us: girlfriends, boyfriends, stupid insignificant arguments (stuff that real friends are supposed to be able to see through). Now, I reflect on it and they're gone. Gone to different colleges, the military, married with babies on the way (God we're supposed to still just be kids!) No one has time for anyone anymore.
That's my biggest issue. Time. I'm discovering that most of my time is dedicated to work. School and a job. All for what? I earn the cash and the more I earn it seems the more bills I find waiting for me on my desk when I get home. I just can't seem to find the time to hang out with friends. the precious precious few that I have left.
I got 5 gifts for my birthday. One from my parents, Sarah, Hannah, David, and Ashley. It's funny how when I don't think people remember me that I can have a few cool reminders every once in a while. It's what everyone needs to get them by.
It's also funny how I used to condemn highschool so harshly. I said I couldn't stand the immaturity and the drama and the cheating and the fighting. I take it back. It all worth it when you can come to school stand in front of the library and know that someone will say high, that if you're depressed someone's there to talk to during lunch, and if you son't show up... someone will ask for you. It's not like that for me now. If I'm not there, someone will wonder why a part of the group project is missing and how much will it affect their grade.
Again as always, Dave is my sanity. My best friend, and sometimes it feels like my only friend. It's sad that my own family doesn't want me here anymore. Not a day goes by without the comments, "You don't like it you know where the door is" "You don't want to be part of the family anyway" "well maybe you'll be happier somewhere else". *sigh* Growing up isn't all what I made it up to be.
I wonder if what I'm working for will be worth it either. I read Sara's "long and introspective" post. Though maybe not to the same degree, I can empathize there. Eventually she'll see that she doesn't have to try so hard to impress people...Just to accept herself and people are still going to like her. Maybe someday I'll learn how to do that. Just accept. Accept me for who I am, and others for who they are. Just live the life I was meant to live and stop obsessing about my intelligence, appearance, reputation, and status. Cause those things don't matter without people to share it with. I still have to wonder how Dave can stand all my petty insecurities, paranoia's, and obsessions. I'm thankful for it though...
So that was a rather long and unexpected rant...
I'm going to go work on my midterms now and stop putting them off so much.
*Sighs* It's kinda sad but I keep looking for friends to fill up this void that I feel and when I find possible prospects I find all the reasons why it wouldn't work. They're too flaky, shallow, non-compatible. Honestly I think someone would practically need a resume with full credentials to pass. What's truly depressing is that I had them. Really truly loyal and dependable friends; those once-in-a-lifetime, with you through thick and thin pals. I took them for granted, something I thought I could never do. I let the "drama" get in between us: girlfriends, boyfriends, stupid insignificant arguments (stuff that real friends are supposed to be able to see through). Now, I reflect on it and they're gone. Gone to different colleges, the military, married with babies on the way (God we're supposed to still just be kids!) No one has time for anyone anymore.
That's my biggest issue. Time. I'm discovering that most of my time is dedicated to work. School and a job. All for what? I earn the cash and the more I earn it seems the more bills I find waiting for me on my desk when I get home. I just can't seem to find the time to hang out with friends. the precious precious few that I have left.
I got 5 gifts for my birthday. One from my parents, Sarah, Hannah, David, and Ashley. It's funny how when I don't think people remember me that I can have a few cool reminders every once in a while. It's what everyone needs to get them by.
It's also funny how I used to condemn highschool so harshly. I said I couldn't stand the immaturity and the drama and the cheating and the fighting. I take it back. It all worth it when you can come to school stand in front of the library and know that someone will say high, that if you're depressed someone's there to talk to during lunch, and if you son't show up... someone will ask for you. It's not like that for me now. If I'm not there, someone will wonder why a part of the group project is missing and how much will it affect their grade.
Again as always, Dave is my sanity. My best friend, and sometimes it feels like my only friend. It's sad that my own family doesn't want me here anymore. Not a day goes by without the comments, "You don't like it you know where the door is" "You don't want to be part of the family anyway" "well maybe you'll be happier somewhere else". *sigh* Growing up isn't all what I made it up to be.
I wonder if what I'm working for will be worth it either. I read Sara's "long and introspective" post. Though maybe not to the same degree, I can empathize there. Eventually she'll see that she doesn't have to try so hard to impress people...Just to accept herself and people are still going to like her. Maybe someday I'll learn how to do that. Just accept. Accept me for who I am, and others for who they are. Just live the life I was meant to live and stop obsessing about my intelligence, appearance, reputation, and status. Cause those things don't matter without people to share it with. I still have to wonder how Dave can stand all my petty insecurities, paranoia's, and obsessions. I'm thankful for it though...
So that was a rather long and unexpected rant...
I'm going to go work on my midterms now and stop putting them off so much.