(no subject)
I don't know how to deal with this pain. Sarah and I just had this screaming match on the ride home. I never knew my voice could be so shrill. I can't take this crap. Evenything that I've ever wanted since we were kids was just to make her happy. To give her everything. Now... Just as I had to stop setting standards for her and just accept her as she wants to be... I think I have to accept that we'll never be best friends again. David is right. We're just too different. I go to her when I need something and vis versa. Other than that... we can't talk.
She's right about one thing too... How can we talk and how can I expect her to be there for me if I don't even let her come close to me? I can't trust and I have a hard time being open. She'd try to give me a hug when I was at the point of being physically sick from depression (like when Roman went back to the drug usage) and I'd push her away. Yet it was okay for me to hold her when Andres died and when he'd do drugs making her cry. I'm very one-sided. So this is my fault. All these years of blaming her, only to discover that the reason we're so distant is me.
I've been brought up that way though. I've been taught to deal with things by myself. I hardly ever talked about problems because that would be admitting that I'd done something wrong or screwed up. Why would I want to talk about that? The only response one can get to that is, "well, you shouldn't have done it that way", or "I told you so". I can't blame my parents though. That's just what works for them. I've seen others. I've had better examples. I could've changed. I chose not to.
So, in short, I made my bed (figuratively) and now I am forced to lay in it.
She's right about one thing too... How can we talk and how can I expect her to be there for me if I don't even let her come close to me? I can't trust and I have a hard time being open. She'd try to give me a hug when I was at the point of being physically sick from depression (like when Roman went back to the drug usage) and I'd push her away. Yet it was okay for me to hold her when Andres died and when he'd do drugs making her cry. I'm very one-sided. So this is my fault. All these years of blaming her, only to discover that the reason we're so distant is me.
I've been brought up that way though. I've been taught to deal with things by myself. I hardly ever talked about problems because that would be admitting that I'd done something wrong or screwed up. Why would I want to talk about that? The only response one can get to that is, "well, you shouldn't have done it that way", or "I told you so". I can't blame my parents though. That's just what works for them. I've seen others. I've had better examples. I could've changed. I chose not to.
So, in short, I made my bed (figuratively) and now I am forced to lay in it.