Moving on...
Melancholy… the infinite sadness of being shunned and kept from one’s desires. One falls into an apathy or a silent stupor that takes over their mind and their spirit. Why fight the inevitable, why try to stop the churning ocean from breaking over and over. These impossible fights that all of us make in many different ways every day. Is there one reality that is out of tune with everyone alive? Are there a few who see it and revel in it’s complexities and sporadic behavior. Is there a method to the madness of all that’s happening around us? I think there is, from stepping back one realizes a few things. One is that we aren’t all that different in how we interact. That is, we go through the same struggles and joys, individuality stops when one talks about living life. Living life, that my friend is simply a pattern of growing and accepting the bits of reality that are illuminated in your stain glass of perception. Different colors and broken patterns is all that we can see, like a stain glass window, however if one knows what to look for a picture is evident. I feel I must take into my own hands my happiness, but I feel for whatever reason, be it my allowance or be it my inability to stop the ocean, that my own happiness is out of my control. I do not really enjoy time by myself, it’s simply calming or relaxing, I’m not motivated or happy or entertained by my own thoughts, they can be interesting at times, but ultimately they’re just thoughts that fade with time and are forgotten by nightfall. I do not know how to concentrate and accept the morning of reality and acceptance and make it into my own perception. I shouldn’t expect myself to be able to change people, unless they feel I’m worth changing for, which save a few people they haven’t proven that to me. And for the most part, I’m not happy with the way people are, and I cannot come to terms with it. Anger boils in me because I am stuck in my own reality unable to truly touch another person. Anytime I try to touch someone they are scared of me like I am a beast. I am no tyrant, if anything I am the most love filled person around, however I have no outlet. Words mindless dribble and words that mean nothing to anyone including myself. I loathe myself for writing and introspecting, it’s a waste of time it’s out of my element. I just don’t know, I thought I was on track but I guess I just derailed.