(no subject)

[jnycroft]

last night me dawn ann marie becca alisha and cj went to the norwood carnival out by dawns grandmoms house. so we're there and having a good time and dawn goes look company 72 and we all look over and are staring at this guy with an aston beechwood coat on thinking of who it could be. he turns around and its don. imagine that seeing him like 30 minutes from aston. auh i was like wtf. so i went up to say and hi and he just stared at me. so we left like 20 minutes after that and came home. so im driving home from dawns house and dont cha know he calls me and we get talking about why i was there and about the navy and all that other shit and im like yea this is good this is going pretty good. then he pulls out the whys it matter we're prolly never going to see each other again and bam. im crushed but i played it off. i got home and did some stuff then called him around 11 so we could finish talking about everything. i had some questions i wanted him to answer and just stuff i had to know. and unforchantly i got the exact answer i was afraid to get. and it hurts so bad cause honestly i didnt expect it at all and i dont even know what to do. part of me doesnt believe it at all. i dont believe what he said. but at the same time...maybe its true. maybe i need to believe its true. and its shit like this that makes me wish i could back up and leave now. i was talking to megan(his sister) last night and she said something like u cant depend on him because if u do and u go to bootcamp you're going to fail cause he wont be there for u to depend on. and shes right. i dont want to depend on him for my happiness anymore but i cant help it. everything would be so much better and so much easier if he was just here and no one understands that. i would love nothing more then to wake up and have no memory of him but i just cant. when he called me last night my heart stopped. i just wish it turned out better

hes happy with me out of his life. me not being in his life makes him happy....i dont understand that. i dont understand how its so easy for him. i dont understand how they do it and i want too. i want too so bad.