take ur space and all ur freedom...but ull think of me
i havent slept basically all weekend...and i have a paper i have to hand in tomorrow. and yet i cant sleep or write or do anything.
i realized something just now...all this...all this stupid bullshit isnt just hurting me but its hurting the people around me who care about me and thats really not fair. its hurting the people who care about me...it may not be in the same way im hurting but none the less it still hurts them.
ive ruined future "loves" future "hook ups" and a few friends to all this. im not myself...a part of me died when he left. but its comming back. its not the same as it was...but its better.
i will no longer allow myself to hit rock bottom like i have been. i will learn to stand on my own two feet and no one elses. i will go out and have fun for me...not for anyone else. if i dont wanna do something im not going too and when i want to do something im going too and im not letting you stop me anymore.
i should have let him kiss me last night. maybe thats what i needed. or maybe just the cuddling was enough. either way last night and tonite have brought a whole knew "light" upon me.
last night i had to do one of the hardest things in the world yet again. i had to say goodbye to my bestfriend. to the kid who did everything nesscary to pull me out of any type of depression i was in. the kid who held me the past few months while i cried and cried and did everything to make sure i wasnt alone and i would never fall. when he hugged me good bye last night it took everything inside of me to hold in my tears til he walked away. i barley made that but none the less i did. he never saw me cry as he walked out of that bowling alley. but when he walked out my heart dropped. for the past 4 years we have been there for each other. any time something was wrong we dropped whatever we were doing...including sex...to get up and be by each others side. he got exspelled from sun valley in the 10th grade for defending me aganist my ex... we went threw the hardest break up of our lives together and held each other up threw it refusing to let the other fall. we spent 8 long hours in the ER together telling the nurses we were each other fiancees so they would let us stay with each other. we may not have agreed 100% on everything but we came pretty damn close. our biggest fights were always about weither to sit in the smoking or nonsmoking section of tom jones. its gonna be a while before im going to be able to walk into that place and not be upset. it was toms favorite place to go...i dont really know where i am going with this but alls i know is im gonna miss that kid more then ive ever missed anyone. he was the one of the few people that i can sit here and call my true friend and fuck im gonna miss him like all hell...
for everyone who hasnt heard the news yet i will most likely be joining the navy...i go to meps april 3rd. the only way i wont be going is if i cant get into there medical field...in that case i will be jumping ship (once again) and trying to get into the medical field for the air force...i need you all to pray for me april 3rd and 4th. the physical is going to be really hard for me due to my knee and feet problems. if i dont pass this physical i dont know what im going to do. ann marie i know u dont want me to go but u better be praying for me. same with u megan fisher.
also...im going to senior prom with demaio. im not going to "ruin" anyones night nor will i even attempt to. im going to have a good time and to show demaio a good time and i hope YOU can have a good time as well.
well mike shae green whatever u know him by just called so im gonna go talk to him...goodnight everyone and thank you
i realized something just now...all this...all this stupid bullshit isnt just hurting me but its hurting the people around me who care about me and thats really not fair. its hurting the people who care about me...it may not be in the same way im hurting but none the less it still hurts them.
ive ruined future "loves" future "hook ups" and a few friends to all this. im not myself...a part of me died when he left. but its comming back. its not the same as it was...but its better.
i will no longer allow myself to hit rock bottom like i have been. i will learn to stand on my own two feet and no one elses. i will go out and have fun for me...not for anyone else. if i dont wanna do something im not going too and when i want to do something im going too and im not letting you stop me anymore.
i should have let him kiss me last night. maybe thats what i needed. or maybe just the cuddling was enough. either way last night and tonite have brought a whole knew "light" upon me.
last night i had to do one of the hardest things in the world yet again. i had to say goodbye to my bestfriend. to the kid who did everything nesscary to pull me out of any type of depression i was in. the kid who held me the past few months while i cried and cried and did everything to make sure i wasnt alone and i would never fall. when he hugged me good bye last night it took everything inside of me to hold in my tears til he walked away. i barley made that but none the less i did. he never saw me cry as he walked out of that bowling alley. but when he walked out my heart dropped. for the past 4 years we have been there for each other. any time something was wrong we dropped whatever we were doing...including sex...to get up and be by each others side. he got exspelled from sun valley in the 10th grade for defending me aganist my ex... we went threw the hardest break up of our lives together and held each other up threw it refusing to let the other fall. we spent 8 long hours in the ER together telling the nurses we were each other fiancees so they would let us stay with each other. we may not have agreed 100% on everything but we came pretty damn close. our biggest fights were always about weither to sit in the smoking or nonsmoking section of tom jones. its gonna be a while before im going to be able to walk into that place and not be upset. it was toms favorite place to go...i dont really know where i am going with this but alls i know is im gonna miss that kid more then ive ever missed anyone. he was the one of the few people that i can sit here and call my true friend and fuck im gonna miss him like all hell...
for everyone who hasnt heard the news yet i will most likely be joining the navy...i go to meps april 3rd. the only way i wont be going is if i cant get into there medical field...in that case i will be jumping ship (once again) and trying to get into the medical field for the air force...i need you all to pray for me april 3rd and 4th. the physical is going to be really hard for me due to my knee and feet problems. if i dont pass this physical i dont know what im going to do. ann marie i know u dont want me to go but u better be praying for me. same with u megan fisher.
also...im going to senior prom with demaio. im not going to "ruin" anyones night nor will i even attempt to. im going to have a good time and to show demaio a good time and i hope YOU can have a good time as well.
well mike shae green whatever u know him by just called so im gonna go talk to him...goodnight everyone and thank you