Dear Matt
Hey, I don't know how else to tell u this. It seems like whenever I get a slight glimpse of hope it almost always gets shot down within less than 24 hours. I wish things could be different (hopefully working to my advantage) but they're not. Times like this I just want to forget what we had, but I can't. It's there and it's imbeded in my mind. As much as I don't want to believe in fate, sometimes I can't seem to avoid it. There seem to always be little signs (which might as well not be there) that tells me I shouldn't give up. If I could, I would hope for us to still have what we've had in the past. But to me it seems like just a stupid girlish dream that will probably never happen. No one else made any sense to me like you did. Perhaps I should have written this a long time ago because it makes no sense to keep it inside. I long so much to be by your side and just even spend one more night with you not just as friends. I wish you could have kept your promise of trying all you can to stay with me, but I guess not all promises are meant to be kept. Now it's my turn to say, I'll do anything I can to try to be more than friends with you, but I would respect if nothing else comes out of our friendship than just being friends. I write this honestly from my heart. I don't know what you did to me and my stupid emotions ( I wish I never had them). It pains me so much to miss you, but I can't help it. Perhaps I'm the one to blame for this because I got myself into this situation. I must sound pathetic, but I can't help how I've felt all these years. There's just something about you that I've never felt with anyone else and, I feel sad for myself. We got together so young. I know I should know better how to deal with this, but I don't. My heart tells me that I won't find the happiness I found with you with someone else. As hard that is to admit I know I have to. I don't expect anything from you just because I wrote you this email. But, I just really have to vent. I know 3 years is a v. long time and we both have changed. Slap me now, I probably need it so I can wake up to reality. Fuck... I don't even know to say anymore. God, I almost wish I should have just turned around that night after I spun out on the freeway the first night we ever met. Sometimes I fantasize that we're probably meant to be, but I feel like I'm the only one dreaming of this. I've tried my best to not think about you or even miss you, but it's just so hard. What will I do when I see you again? Act like all I want is to be just friends. If I must, I will. I don't want just another insignificant fling.
Unfortunately, you'll never see this email because I've just decided not to send it to you. I feel like if you ever see this, it will be just awkward for us. I'm chicken shit. Oh well. If something happens, then it will. But I'm not going to try to change your mind about whatever you might have already decided. Just know that I still love you, and I might always will. Yes, I'm pathetic -- tell me something else that I don't know.
~*Ella*~
Unfortunately, you'll never see this email because I've just decided not to send it to you. I feel like if you ever see this, it will be just awkward for us. I'm chicken shit. Oh well. If something happens, then it will. But I'm not going to try to change your mind about whatever you might have already decided. Just know that I still love you, and I might always will. Yes, I'm pathetic -- tell me something else that I don't know.
~*Ella*~