(no subject)
today in weight training, we played football again. it sucked too because we couldnt play tackle. two hand touch sucks. coach made a comment that i should have been a quarterback! hah, hes so funny. he didnt sound like he was being a smart ass or joking, but i laughed anyway. how different would things be for me if i had played football? i dont care, im happy with what ive done. heidi pissed me off today. shes such a bitch. terry bit me. wtf? that was so wrong. i punched him so hard when he did that. i bench maxed yesterday and hit my final max from last year. good stuff. so ive had an epiphany, im tired of the conversations that never end that are about everything except what you want to talk about. i dont want to talk about what i did wrong or what anyone else did wrong anymore. one persons mistake always has to be worse than the other's. its crazy and out of control. i miss parts of my life. the problem is that they werent erased, they just got a coat of white out. that means that it is all still there just underneath the surface, trying to scratch its way out. tearing at me from the inside. insecure. why? because of you. exactly what i am talking about, it always has to be something else. okay, you fucked up. really bad. that is why you are afraid to talk to me and why i have had the desire to run from you. i dont run because i am afraid of what you might say, i run because i am afraid of what you wont say and why. i am not stupid, its been gone since the remake of the "shot heard round the world" that consisted of two words, yet another topic covered too much. i dont want to think about what has been done wrong any more. but it is impossible to think about what has been done right when it seems it was all in vein. yes, i had the time of my life, i put my heart and soul into it, but now it is just a memory. day by day, nothing goes away, and so i feel that it will never end, this torment killing me from inside, what did i do... why i always doubt myself... who knows. i just dont care to try and figure it out anymore. i feel like im always talking to myself. i found a song that i am with all of the way. the entire song is just straight up amazing
"Schizophrenic Conversations"
Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view, yeah.
The strength of a tree begins in the roots
That I tend bury into you
At least now the storm can't blow me away.
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.
Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me?
So cold were the days where I listen to you.
And you say that I'm weak show me the proof
Because I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you every day.
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.
Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself.
I hear these voices in my head competing.
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have schizophrenic conversations
Where there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
Fucked up like me.
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Ashamed like me
this one is just an interesting song. i feel "moved" by it, but something just isnt right...
"Cross To Bear"
Twisted, turning, crashing, burning,
All this just to break me down.
You don't know me
You don't see me
You don't know me because I don't care.
But I'm still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?
Faceless, faking, pressure, taking,
All this just to bring me down.
[x2]
You don't know me
you don't see me
you don't know me because I don't care.
But I'm still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?
I'm still here,
Reluctantly waiting for you to interfere.
This is my cross to bear
i want interference, but i fear it. is this common. i think i am done, no not yet, one more. this song makes me want to fall over. i kind of want to tear up when i hear it, sometimes i actually do, which is why i limit how much i listen to it. its funny how people think of similarities as being " well i like trucks and you dont" or " i hate hunting and you love it so we arent the same" that is a superficial and surface based similarities. tell me what you think of this song...and then im done for today, i swear...
"Reply"
I have seen to many sad eyes look at me,
Eyes that set me free,
All the places that I've been.
Thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait for me,
For me.
Your words,
Your words help me to see
A little honesty
In a world that doesn't share
And those eyes
Tell the story of your pain
Severity of your disdain
In a world that doesn't care.
So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait
You, you understand my pain.
From this I gather strength,
That we are the same.
So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait
The life I live will never be the same without you
well, i gtg get ready to leave for work, yay, six o clock so ill be the last one to leave. great. bye world...
"Schizophrenic Conversations"
Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view, yeah.
The strength of a tree begins in the roots
That I tend bury into you
At least now the storm can't blow me away.
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.
Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me?
So cold were the days where I listen to you.
And you say that I'm weak show me the proof
Because I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you every day.
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.
Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself.
I hear these voices in my head competing.
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have schizophrenic conversations
Where there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.
So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
Fucked up like me.
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Ashamed like me
this one is just an interesting song. i feel "moved" by it, but something just isnt right...
"Cross To Bear"
Twisted, turning, crashing, burning,
All this just to break me down.
You don't know me
You don't see me
You don't know me because I don't care.
But I'm still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?
Faceless, faking, pressure, taking,
All this just to bring me down.
[x2]
You don't know me
you don't see me
you don't know me because I don't care.
But I'm still here,
Patiently waiting for you to disappear.
Is this my cross to bear?
I'm still here,
Reluctantly waiting for you to interfere.
This is my cross to bear
i want interference, but i fear it. is this common. i think i am done, no not yet, one more. this song makes me want to fall over. i kind of want to tear up when i hear it, sometimes i actually do, which is why i limit how much i listen to it. its funny how people think of similarities as being " well i like trucks and you dont" or " i hate hunting and you love it so we arent the same" that is a superficial and surface based similarities. tell me what you think of this song...and then im done for today, i swear...
"Reply"
I have seen to many sad eyes look at me,
Eyes that set me free,
All the places that I've been.
Thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait for me,
For me.
Your words,
Your words help me to see
A little honesty
In a world that doesn't share
And those eyes
Tell the story of your pain
Severity of your disdain
In a world that doesn't care.
So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait
You, you understand my pain.
From this I gather strength,
That we are the same.
So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait
The life I live will never be the same without you
well, i gtg get ready to leave for work, yay, six o clock so ill be the last one to leave. great. bye world...