The long-awaited beginning of discussion
An introduction:
I live in a poly-fidelitous cohabitating full triangle. That's a mouth full, especially when compared to a rather common alternative, "I'm married." What does that mean though, and how does it relate to the rest of society. These can be rather silly questions to ask but for reasons that will be expressed later I feel the need to begin asking them. However, before I begin I need a slight road map. You see, I can't analyze the societal impact of such an arrangement without analyzing pre-conceived connotations of the words. And, for that matter, I can't analyze the connotation of the words without first analyzing their context and relation to each other.
"Polyamory" is a banner term that has a myriad of relationship types underneath it. At the same time though, it is often used to describe not just a relationship but an individual's outlook. This makes it a very cloudy term. Before looking at it, I want to look at a term widely considered to be it's counterpart: monogamy. These two terms are often considered counterparts, but that becomes difficult to accept. Monogamy has rather clear connotations. The word itself means the practice of only having one mate at a time (as opposed to serial monogamy which I will discuss later). However, the connotation of the word is much more precise: a fidelitous hetersoexual union between two people.
When compared to monogamy, the current culture (or counter culture - growing mainstream) idea of polyamory is much cloudier. The ideal of polyamory is quite simple, and widely accepted as "multiple love;" the concept of being accepting to more than one romantic, loving relationship at a time. Though the ideal is simple, the practice is not. The varying forms and functions of polyamorous relationships are what cause a great deal of clouding and misunderstanding both inside the poly community and with society as a whole.
What stands out to me here is that polyamory and monogamy cannot be confused as being counterparts. While the term polyamory deals with love, with emotion, monogamy deals with the practical, the marriage or long-term union. A more proper counterpart to monogamy is polygamy, having more than one spouse. Interestingly enough, i cannot think of a single word to act as a proper counterpart to polyamory. Monamory? The idea of loving only one person? This may say something deeper than expected about our culture.
Having more than one love:
I can still remember the day clearly. I was driving down the road with my wife in the passenger seat. We were having a discussion about our relationship with our girlfriend. This was the day that I finally broached the subject; I was falling in love with our girlfriend. Somewhere along the way I had begun to give her a piece of my heart that I hadn't expected. I was concerned, scared, and ready to throw on the hand brake. As I revealed this to my wife I was completely conflicted about how I expected her to respond. On one hand, I expected her to be a product of our society and culture, to be insulted and hurt by such a revelation and to insist that everything end immediately. On the other hand, I knew her and knew that our relationship with our girlfriend would have never grown to this level without her allowing it to.
As I blabbered on about my fear that falling in love with another woman was an insult to her and somehow deprived her of love and affection that she was owed, she patiently waited for me to come to a halt. The next words out of her mouth were, "would you love me any less if we have a child? You don't have a finite amount of love to give." With those words our relationship and our entire lives began evolving and growing.
This story is one that I have seen play out in other corners of the poly community. The retort dealing with children is often used as a defense by those who identify as polyamorous to try to explain or rationalize their feelings to those who are more monogamous-minded. It is a wonderful example though of what our hearts are all capable of. Of course I will not love my wife less when we have children. As a matter of fact, I can clearly envision our love growing far beyond the sum of the individual threads. This is what I experience every morning when I kiss the cheeks of my two partners goodbye as I head out the door to work. This is what I revel in as I fall asleep by their sides.