Alternative Definitions
These are pretty funny. I wish I had known about the contest...
The Washington Post’s 2007 winners of its yearly neologism contest in which readers supplied alternate meanings for common words:
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that takes you to an emergency room after a steam roller runs over you.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Frisbeetarianism (n.) [back by popular demand]: The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Winners of the Washington Post’s 2007 Style Invitational, which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then offer a new definition:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the originator of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when one is pressed for time.
Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
Osteropornosis (n.): A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon (n.): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling even to getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after one has accidentally walked through a spider web.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.
[And the pick of the literature]
Ignoranus (n.): A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
The Washington Post’s 2007 winners of its yearly neologism contest in which readers supplied alternate meanings for common words:
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that takes you to an emergency room after a steam roller runs over you.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Frisbeetarianism (n.) [back by popular demand]: The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Winners of the Washington Post’s 2007 Style Invitational, which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then offer a new definition:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the originator of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when one is pressed for time.
Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.
Osteropornosis (n.): A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon (n.): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling even to getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after one has accidentally walked through a spider web.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.
[And the pick of the literature]
Ignoranus (n.): A person who is both stupid and an asshole.