Friends-only or not? Eh, screw it...
I miss my friends. I really, really do. A lot of my friends from high school and college have all kinda floated away and we’ve lost touch with each other or only contact each other once in a blue moon. Another friend has moved about 2 hours north of me and I can’t see her as often as I’d like anymore. Since I left the JRR forums, I realized how many friends I made on there and how they’re all gone as well for one reason or another; like a couple people I used to talk to daily now are busy with their own things and we just don’t talk like we used to. One friend I haven’t talked to in months because I did something that really hurt her a year or so ago (and I still feel like a horrible excuse for a person because of it, but at the time I thought it was right, no matter how painful), and when she began messaging me again I really didn’t know what to say anymore, even when she expressed the desire to be friends again. Part of that is because I don’t log into that site much anymore (I don’t think I have in about two months) and that was really the only way we could contact each other (international friendships are hard -cry-). I cut off most contact with another friend because he really hurt and pissed me off last year (in addition to several of our mutual friends) and I’m still not ready to believe that he’s matured beyond it. Another guy friend I haven’t talked to in forever because I can’t be on IM like I used to, in addition to the major time difference and feeling like a complete simpleton and idiot when talking to him (he’s just too freakin’ smart XD). A lot of friends from the JRR forums I don’t talk to much unless we’re at the same con or concert and it’s so much fun! Then I get home and we text once or twice, then that’s it. Until the next event.
And the one I’m really upset about is someone I still consider to be a sister in bond; I’ve emailed her and texted her within the last six months or so (maybe more at this point, I don’t really know anymore) and I get no reply. Or if I do it’s so short and I don’t know how to make the conversation last. We used to email each other about twenty times a day, mainly just bitching about our work (XD), but also collaborating on story ideas, our emotions towards people near and far, advice on situations, and sharing our writings and pictures with each other. And now? Nothing. Silence. And it hurts. I know that life is more important than making me feel okay with myself as a person and friend, but I do appreciate emails and texts from friends, even if they’re completely retarded and senseless.
But here’s the real thing that makes me feel even worse: I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but feel as if another person had stolen her friendship from me. I have this childish notion that “we were friends first!” that I know is bad and unhealthy, but I can’t help it. It just seems now, looking back, like this other person came in, was friends with both of us, then stole her away. None of us talk anymore, and last I heard they were making plans to have one visit the other in her home country (again, international friendships ^^). I have no idea if they ever saw one another in person or not, but even though in the back of my mind I blame one for taking another’s time from me, I hope they’re both happy and chatting like childhood buddies :)
If anyone reading knows who they are in this entry, I miss you, I love you (most of you :P), and I wish you the best with whatever you do and whoever you meet. I miss you all, and even if you no longer consider me one, I still think of you as my friends -hearts and glitter and rainbow-farting unicorns everywhere-
Okay, enough emo and depression. -watches Harry Potter some more-
And the one I’m really upset about is someone I still consider to be a sister in bond; I’ve emailed her and texted her within the last six months or so (maybe more at this point, I don’t really know anymore) and I get no reply. Or if I do it’s so short and I don’t know how to make the conversation last. We used to email each other about twenty times a day, mainly just bitching about our work (XD), but also collaborating on story ideas, our emotions towards people near and far, advice on situations, and sharing our writings and pictures with each other. And now? Nothing. Silence. And it hurts. I know that life is more important than making me feel okay with myself as a person and friend, but I do appreciate emails and texts from friends, even if they’re completely retarded and senseless.
But here’s the real thing that makes me feel even worse: I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but feel as if another person had stolen her friendship from me. I have this childish notion that “we were friends first!” that I know is bad and unhealthy, but I can’t help it. It just seems now, looking back, like this other person came in, was friends with both of us, then stole her away. None of us talk anymore, and last I heard they were making plans to have one visit the other in her home country (again, international friendships ^^). I have no idea if they ever saw one another in person or not, but even though in the back of my mind I blame one for taking another’s time from me, I hope they’re both happy and chatting like childhood buddies :)
If anyone reading knows who they are in this entry, I miss you, I love you (most of you :P), and I wish you the best with whatever you do and whoever you meet. I miss you all, and even if you no longer consider me one, I still think of you as my friends -hearts and glitter and rainbow-farting unicorns everywhere-
Okay, enough emo and depression. -watches Harry Potter some more-