when he's gone I won't come back
for the first time ever im doubling a lyric title. The previous one was bad timing, this time that lyric has validity.
Yesterday, April 14th, 2012, my father died. I received a facebook message from kelly and an email from my mom right about the time i entered Mozart Cafe. My phone stayed in my pocket as I enjoyed the evening next to a girl who I cant stop thinking about. I was enjoying myself and very happy. After the evening was over I was waiting in the SBahn platform of Hauptbahnhof and decided to check my email. Thats when I saw that he was gone.
Im not sure how to feel. I am probably in a psychotic state of shock. The problem is that it has created this delima of that I should feel something. That has gotten me to think though. All I can think about are the bad times. All I can concentrate on is how messed up my childhood was. How I wished he were dead so many years ago. How as a ten year old child I asked him to stop drinking alcohol. That I wouldn't see him again until he stopped. His reply was a letter that stated I was no longer his son and I should change my last name to Posey. How he blew all the money for Kacie's wedding. I think about that night I tried to call my mom so I could go home because he was being mean and partying. Just as I had dialed the phone he comes from behind and tackles me onto the bed and screams at me. He has always been such a disappointment. He hurt me so many times, emotionally and physically. To be honest, if there is one thing I feel, it is relieved. He can no longer hurt me or Kacie. It's over.
I suppose its also hard to be hurt given the circumstances. I gave up on him almost two decades ago. There were no feelings inside of me to be hurt. I think the last time I talked to him on the phone was while I was in Texas over a year ago. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving 2009. I took a look through my emails and he had sent me about 5 messages over the past year. I keep in better touch with my former professors. Now that he is gone, does it even matter? Is my life any different? The few times I saw him in 2007, '08 and '09, he was in terrible shape. I always thought he was kind of smart when he wasnt drunk or hungover. I suppose the strokes over the years took their toll. This man I was visiting wasn't the father in my memory. He was just some man that was a bit crazy and kept telling me how much he missed me. I dunno. They were odd times.
I can still imagine his voice. I cant imagine it without a drunken slur though. This is tough. Now comes the largest question of life and death. Do I go to his funeral? I think the idea of someone going to someone else's funeral or not says so many things about someone. If my mom had passed I would have dropped everything and been on the next flight out of Munich. It's hard for me to make a case for my dad. He was never there for me. The only good memory I even have was of my college graduation. When it came time for the awards ceremony, my name was said first and he let out a really big yell. That made me happy. To have him a part of my life for the first time ever. But thats all over now.
"Well I guess this is growing up."
soundtrack to entry:
Yesterday, April 14th, 2012, my father died. I received a facebook message from kelly and an email from my mom right about the time i entered Mozart Cafe. My phone stayed in my pocket as I enjoyed the evening next to a girl who I cant stop thinking about. I was enjoying myself and very happy. After the evening was over I was waiting in the SBahn platform of Hauptbahnhof and decided to check my email. Thats when I saw that he was gone.
Im not sure how to feel. I am probably in a psychotic state of shock. The problem is that it has created this delima of that I should feel something. That has gotten me to think though. All I can think about are the bad times. All I can concentrate on is how messed up my childhood was. How I wished he were dead so many years ago. How as a ten year old child I asked him to stop drinking alcohol. That I wouldn't see him again until he stopped. His reply was a letter that stated I was no longer his son and I should change my last name to Posey. How he blew all the money for Kacie's wedding. I think about that night I tried to call my mom so I could go home because he was being mean and partying. Just as I had dialed the phone he comes from behind and tackles me onto the bed and screams at me. He has always been such a disappointment. He hurt me so many times, emotionally and physically. To be honest, if there is one thing I feel, it is relieved. He can no longer hurt me or Kacie. It's over.
I suppose its also hard to be hurt given the circumstances. I gave up on him almost two decades ago. There were no feelings inside of me to be hurt. I think the last time I talked to him on the phone was while I was in Texas over a year ago. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving 2009. I took a look through my emails and he had sent me about 5 messages over the past year. I keep in better touch with my former professors. Now that he is gone, does it even matter? Is my life any different? The few times I saw him in 2007, '08 and '09, he was in terrible shape. I always thought he was kind of smart when he wasnt drunk or hungover. I suppose the strokes over the years took their toll. This man I was visiting wasn't the father in my memory. He was just some man that was a bit crazy and kept telling me how much he missed me. I dunno. They were odd times.
I can still imagine his voice. I cant imagine it without a drunken slur though. This is tough. Now comes the largest question of life and death. Do I go to his funeral? I think the idea of someone going to someone else's funeral or not says so many things about someone. If my mom had passed I would have dropped everything and been on the next flight out of Munich. It's hard for me to make a case for my dad. He was never there for me. The only good memory I even have was of my college graduation. When it came time for the awards ceremony, my name was said first and he let out a really big yell. That made me happy. To have him a part of my life for the first time ever. But thats all over now.
"Well I guess this is growing up."
soundtrack to entry: