Abundance Mindset and Endless Possibilities for Creativity
I've noticed a few themes in my life over the last few days of a virtual walk down memory lane of this journal. Social isolation has given me a lot of time to think which is generally a catastropic occurance for me. I've noticed a lot of somatic responses in my body in response to what I've read and how it makes me feel. It's also been incredibly powerful to watch the transformation of my life play out for me in writing over the last 16 years.
I'm in such a positive, transformational position in my life and yet I still search the back of my memory banks for what I don't have or what hasn't gone right. I'm sometimes waiting for the other shoe to drop and create havoc in this beautiful world I'm building myself, and yet I'm also so aware that those thoughts aren't reality so I can feel and hear and sense the internal battle in my own consciousness of what thoughts are really mine versus what thoughts are younger Jessica and what thoughts are future Jessica. It's an interesting dynamic up there let me tell you.
There were a few entries where I fist pumped (literally) in the air and said "fuck yeah Jessica", there were other entries where my palm painfully slapped my forehead in shame or guilt or embarassment. And yet...they're all still so incredibly Jessica.
What I read was 16 years of growing pains resulting in endless examples of resiliancy. I put myself through, and I allowed others to put me through some really shitty stuff. I also experienced a lot of really amazing things. The common theme though was that I kept moving. Not always forward, but I've always been incredibly aware even if I was lying to myself I knew the truth. I can tell you the pieces that were embellished, I can tell you the pieces where I wasn't honest with myself because I know my reality.
I'm so grateful for all of those experiences because they're really helping me understand and love who I am. I'm having so much fun getting reaquainted with Jessica and it's been so nice to see her and be with her again.