AAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
It has been so long since I've updated so I figured it was about time. These last few days have really, I mean REALLY, sucked, and it seems that they are only going to get worse. School is stressing me out....softball is frustrating me....and worst of all the one thing I have been fighting for the last six years is giving me trouble and it is absolutely frightening.
I've never been so scared in my entire life. I've never cried as much as I did last night. I've cheated it for six years and it's possible I could do it again but this time seems different.
Not to mention this is all in one week when I have two exams a quiz and anotated bibliography due and a term paper due next week. Not to mention I now have to miss my most imortant classes and softball, which often acts as a release for all of the stress I build up on any given day.
Oh well, no complaints, because although what happened to me six years ago was the worst thing that ever happened to me it also was the best thing in the way that it showed me more of who I am, and it made me grow up and realize what it meant to be here, and in all one piece. I gained a whole new outlook on life, and I learned not to take a lot of things for granted. It also showed me all of the people who cared for me, and it made me feel better knowing that most of those people would always be there for me, when I was sick or when I was healthy. I also learned a lot of neat things like how to wash your hair without getting either arm wet and that butternut bags are not waterproof.
And although life may suck for me if this infection is back it's a lot easier knowing that I have friends and family who are there for me, and who care about me and what happens to me. It is a little bit harder when most of them live two hours away but it will only strengthen the relationships that I have made this year and those which I came here with as well.
I know that I am probably making a much bigger deal out of this than it probably is, just ask my mom, she'll tell you, but I can tell you right now that I have never been so scared and I think that is an indication of something. I hate talking about it with people because they always view me differently when they find out what happened to me and I really, REALLY, hate it when people feel bad for me, and I don't want to make anything out of something which I don't even know exists, but I hate not talking about it. I hate bottling it up inside, I'm already bursting at the seams with anxiety. Just watch it will show up to be nothing and I'll look like a total loser, just ask my mom, she'll tell you, but I have a weird feeling about this one. I've never cried that much, not even when they told me the first time or when I found out I needed four more surgeries on top of the two I already had, or from any of the pain I've felt along the way, that's the only thing that makes me this nervous, that there is something inside telling me this time is different, maybe it's a good different, but It doesn't feel that way....I just want to get it over with and it would be a lot easier if I wasn't so stressed with school and in mid-season.
Anyway, I am absolutely sick and tired of dragging on my sob story, so I'm sorry if you've had to read this but if you did I'm glad because now you know what has put me in such a shitty mood the last few days, so if you notice I'm being a total bitch, I honestly am not meaning to and please don't take it personally.
Here's to better days,
Jessie
I've never been so scared in my entire life. I've never cried as much as I did last night. I've cheated it for six years and it's possible I could do it again but this time seems different.
Not to mention this is all in one week when I have two exams a quiz and anotated bibliography due and a term paper due next week. Not to mention I now have to miss my most imortant classes and softball, which often acts as a release for all of the stress I build up on any given day.
Oh well, no complaints, because although what happened to me six years ago was the worst thing that ever happened to me it also was the best thing in the way that it showed me more of who I am, and it made me grow up and realize what it meant to be here, and in all one piece. I gained a whole new outlook on life, and I learned not to take a lot of things for granted. It also showed me all of the people who cared for me, and it made me feel better knowing that most of those people would always be there for me, when I was sick or when I was healthy. I also learned a lot of neat things like how to wash your hair without getting either arm wet and that butternut bags are not waterproof.
And although life may suck for me if this infection is back it's a lot easier knowing that I have friends and family who are there for me, and who care about me and what happens to me. It is a little bit harder when most of them live two hours away but it will only strengthen the relationships that I have made this year and those which I came here with as well.
I know that I am probably making a much bigger deal out of this than it probably is, just ask my mom, she'll tell you, but I can tell you right now that I have never been so scared and I think that is an indication of something. I hate talking about it with people because they always view me differently when they find out what happened to me and I really, REALLY, hate it when people feel bad for me, and I don't want to make anything out of something which I don't even know exists, but I hate not talking about it. I hate bottling it up inside, I'm already bursting at the seams with anxiety. Just watch it will show up to be nothing and I'll look like a total loser, just ask my mom, she'll tell you, but I have a weird feeling about this one. I've never cried that much, not even when they told me the first time or when I found out I needed four more surgeries on top of the two I already had, or from any of the pain I've felt along the way, that's the only thing that makes me this nervous, that there is something inside telling me this time is different, maybe it's a good different, but It doesn't feel that way....I just want to get it over with and it would be a lot easier if I wasn't so stressed with school and in mid-season.
Anyway, I am absolutely sick and tired of dragging on my sob story, so I'm sorry if you've had to read this but if you did I'm glad because now you know what has put me in such a shitty mood the last few days, so if you notice I'm being a total bitch, I honestly am not meaning to and please don't take it personally.
Here's to better days,
Jessie