LE SIGH *bitching about school and emo shits ahead*
I love being a furry, really. I do. I have the best friends and what's more fun than having sex dressed like a stuffed animal? Acknowledge the first, forget the latter. I really don't enjoy that. In fact, I'd think it's rather uncomfortable as sex itself is usually hot (temperature-wise people!), now put on a faux fur jumpsuit and put a 3 pound piece of fur covered foam on your head. Not too pleasant. Anyway.
I'm at Zero's meet. Lotsa fun. Great quotes (read: kalemika). Smoked a bit. Not drinking (surprised? I know). BUT INEVITABLY... there are people who draw a million times better than me. Normally I try not to let this get me down, but like... 3 of them are my age (or at least only a tiny bit older), are at same education level at schools that are generally "below Moore standards" (if you will; AI of Philly and Hussian). They're all sittin in this cute little drawing group trading sketches drawing their own things, doing $5 con badge commissions... And they are all so damn good. I want to draw... but my shit is well... shit compared to theirs and I'm afraid they'll look at it and go, "aww...that's cute. You're pretty good". Which, I know, means this in translation: "Aww...look, she's trying. Isn't that cute? Please don't ask to trade, I don't want to really do that with people below my level that much. Keep trying, but really, it's going to take a lot more work." Seriously, this is what I know from in my head... because I say the same thing and it means the same thing to people much much more below my level. (see: less than half of the furaffinity recent art submissions)... I have a massive problem with rejection. Which is probably while I'm at these, I hang out with Kale because Kale is loud and everyone loves her. Trust me, Kale is my bestestests furiend and I don't hang out with her just because of her massive amount of appeal. I have a hard time thinking people might just maybe enjoy my company and presence at least a little bit. Anyway. They went/are going to art school just like me. And I feel completely and totally alienated. From essentially my own kind. I suppose it's the leopard in me. *sigh* I feel like crying because the more I write, the more frustraited I get.
Which makes me so afraid of transferring to Bournemouth. Sara is a better artist than me, has better grades... so her chance of getting accepted is much higher than mine. Which frightens me that I won't get in. We've been talking happily and stressing equally about moving to England (what kind of cigarettes do they have? omg those crazy ass plugs! etc.). If she gets in and I don't, I'm afraid she'll put her own education at risk and not go just because I can't. Because I know how she works, she's practically my twin. I'd have a terribly hard time leaving without her if the situation happened in opposite order.
Why won't I get in? Face it. I got into Moore not because I had a good portfolio and an ok-ish gpa and ok-ish sat's. I got in because I looked like I enjoyed art, and I could be trained under their system to turn out OK in art. They want my money. Honestly, Moore is apparently in this HUGE debt and is taking on more students because they need to tuition money. You can look at the seniors ahead of us and you can look at their freshman year stuff and it's at least 3 times better than half of my class's. Great school...getting less great. It used to be a top of the lot school... but the facilities suck. Unless you're fashion or interior design or illustration or graphic design....you're fucked. I love my teachers, me fellow classmates, the environment of the classes... but I know that now that I'm a 3-D major, the way the program is set up, it's not that great for me. It's all frustrating and depressing as all hell.
Fuck me, I have so much homework to do this week... Monday I should have some progression on my drawing concentration and words and pictures piece. Tuesday I have 80-100 "sketches" of fashion details due. Thursday I have a history of costume project due. Last project in that class I was up until 3:30 doing it. And it still looked like shit. BUT I did get 25/25 on it. Hurrah. Heh.
I do pretty darn well in my fashion classes. But I don't enjoy them as much as my fine arts classes. But I still question my choices. I still ADORE costumes. I love making small things though, too. I whipped out a plasticine sculpture of class in less than hours, and it still looked pretty damn good. What do I do? How the fuck should I know ANYWAY. Oh wait, I'm almost 20, I should know what to do. Hell, there are kids younger than me making a crap ton of spendin cash on their art, why can't I? OH CAUSE I SUCK.
I'm done. Any more may want people to choke me.
I'm at Zero's meet. Lotsa fun. Great quotes (read: kalemika). Smoked a bit. Not drinking (surprised? I know). BUT INEVITABLY... there are people who draw a million times better than me. Normally I try not to let this get me down, but like... 3 of them are my age (or at least only a tiny bit older), are at same education level at schools that are generally "below Moore standards" (if you will; AI of Philly and Hussian). They're all sittin in this cute little drawing group trading sketches drawing their own things, doing $5 con badge commissions... And they are all so damn good. I want to draw... but my shit is well... shit compared to theirs and I'm afraid they'll look at it and go, "aww...that's cute. You're pretty good". Which, I know, means this in translation: "Aww...look, she's trying. Isn't that cute? Please don't ask to trade, I don't want to really do that with people below my level that much. Keep trying, but really, it's going to take a lot more work." Seriously, this is what I know from in my head... because I say the same thing and it means the same thing to people much much more below my level. (see: less than half of the furaffinity recent art submissions)... I have a massive problem with rejection. Which is probably while I'm at these, I hang out with Kale because Kale is loud and everyone loves her. Trust me, Kale is my bestestests furiend and I don't hang out with her just because of her massive amount of appeal. I have a hard time thinking people might just maybe enjoy my company and presence at least a little bit. Anyway. They went/are going to art school just like me. And I feel completely and totally alienated. From essentially my own kind. I suppose it's the leopard in me. *sigh* I feel like crying because the more I write, the more frustraited I get.
Which makes me so afraid of transferring to Bournemouth. Sara is a better artist than me, has better grades... so her chance of getting accepted is much higher than mine. Which frightens me that I won't get in. We've been talking happily and stressing equally about moving to England (what kind of cigarettes do they have? omg those crazy ass plugs! etc.). If she gets in and I don't, I'm afraid she'll put her own education at risk and not go just because I can't. Because I know how she works, she's practically my twin. I'd have a terribly hard time leaving without her if the situation happened in opposite order.
Why won't I get in? Face it. I got into Moore not because I had a good portfolio and an ok-ish gpa and ok-ish sat's. I got in because I looked like I enjoyed art, and I could be trained under their system to turn out OK in art. They want my money. Honestly, Moore is apparently in this HUGE debt and is taking on more students because they need to tuition money. You can look at the seniors ahead of us and you can look at their freshman year stuff and it's at least 3 times better than half of my class's. Great school...getting less great. It used to be a top of the lot school... but the facilities suck. Unless you're fashion or interior design or illustration or graphic design....you're fucked. I love my teachers, me fellow classmates, the environment of the classes... but I know that now that I'm a 3-D major, the way the program is set up, it's not that great for me. It's all frustrating and depressing as all hell.
Fuck me, I have so much homework to do this week... Monday I should have some progression on my drawing concentration and words and pictures piece. Tuesday I have 80-100 "sketches" of fashion details due. Thursday I have a history of costume project due. Last project in that class I was up until 3:30 doing it. And it still looked like shit. BUT I did get 25/25 on it. Hurrah. Heh.
I do pretty darn well in my fashion classes. But I don't enjoy them as much as my fine arts classes. But I still question my choices. I still ADORE costumes. I love making small things though, too. I whipped out a plasticine sculpture of class in less than hours, and it still looked pretty damn good. What do I do? How the fuck should I know ANYWAY. Oh wait, I'm almost 20, I should know what to do. Hell, there are kids younger than me making a crap ton of spendin cash on their art, why can't I? OH CAUSE I SUCK.
I'm done. Any more may want people to choke me.