DRUG RANT
So I quit drug group today and my mom is going crazy because she wants me to stay sober more than anything in the world, and she told me that if i stay off drugs for two months then i can get my license. I don't know if i want to be sober, or if i could even do it if i really wanted to and i don't want to go to some other drug group or residential or impaitient because it won't help me. People don't realize they have no control over the situation. If i really want to do drugs i'm going to no matter what you do nothing you can do will stop me. But i don't know if i want to keep doing drugs anymore. It's not a party if it's happening every night. I'm just so sick of counselers and people who have no idea what they're talking about who think they have all the anwsers. Too much therapy makes me hate myself and i don't think that's the desired effect. I just can't do it, i'm crawling out of my skin thinking about all the shit in my head and i just want to get out. I've realized i'd just rather not feel, it'd be so much easier to be numb all the time, no pain, just pure distraction all the time. Then they ask stupid ass question like what are your reasons for using?, and what is your thought process blah blah blah blah blah blah. I don't think, i'm impulsive. There is no reason behind it sometimes i just like to smoke pot. Shit soon they'll be studying my dreams and giving me shock therapy. I love smoking, but i want to stop. I should stop, to make her happy and so i can start to actually have real relationships where i talk to people and we have conversations instead of this superficial small talk. I feel so disconnected and i can't get rid of it. I feel so down and anxious and uncertain and i know something has to change. Why not stop smoking pot? It does cause a lot of problems but i like it so much and i have fun when i smoke and it's not endangering my safety and other people just make it a big deal and fuck it being illeagl that's not even an argument. Everything is just as shitty when you're sober though, people buy into the myth that if you stay away from drugs you'll be happy and everything will be like the fucking brady bunch or something but that's bullshit, because i've been clean and i've been miserable. How would you like to be treated like an addict all the time and have people constantly looking at you like you're on drugs, accusing you of stealing money. Are you high? What are you on? You'll end up like you're fucking father if you keep down this path... just wait, we're all expecting it. You're going to fuck up just like you're old man and everyone will say Patrick was such a troubled boy but we saw it coming, i mean what can you expect with a father like that. And i am fucking up. I have to much shit to deal with in my head to focus on school, and i just hate it there now, apart from art class the day is agonizing and i just want out, people tell me to just go to class and just do the work, you're almost done but i hate it, i hate it more than i can explain. I'm sick of people telling me to hang on a little more and soon you'll see results, soon you'll find the right medication to fix your personality defect. Maybe if i'm fixed, you'll feel better about yourself, less crazy because arn't i just a reflection of you? My self worth is at an all time low. But then there are days when i feel amazing and everything is great, so what the fuck is that about? I just feel like writing this down because i don't talk to anyone anymore, i can't get close to people. Fear of vulnerability. This is shit that has been drilled into my head for years and i can't stand hearing it. Treat me like a person, i'm so tired of this catch phrase mentality one size fits all therapy, one day at a time, people places and things, how are you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllinggggg? Shitty, confused, torn, tired, angry, bitter, resentful, hopeless, depressed. I just have to think about why i like drugs so much there must be a reason. In the program they tell you that if you work hard and try and do everything they tell you then you'll be cured, but what if it doesn't work for everyone. Well obviously it doesn't work for everyone because people are still using. People are pretending and bullshitting and saying they're clean and then using some twelve year old boy's piss for the tests. And if you're honest haha oh fuck if you tell them the truth, that you still want to do drugs and you don't want to stop they think you're fucked up like what the hell why can't you learn from other people's stories and realize nothing good can come of this... and Billy is making so much progress you could learn from him, FUCK THAT, HE'S GOT YOU ASSHOLES FOOLED. Billy is smoking a blunt behind the barn after group and Billy is coming to group drunk and you're so fucking dumb you can't even tell. Oh i've seen such a change in Billy's attitude, he's so honest and trustworthy. Nope, he's just lying to you he's lying, and you're eating it up. At least i tell you i want to keep doing drugs. I don't even know if i do. I might be quitting and people think that's funny because i've said it so many times before, it's like no i'm really not lying this time, this time i'm really trying. I wouldn't believe me, i'm a known liar. This could all be made up. Think back to every conversation you've ever had with me, i bet a lot of it was lies. I'm not even honest with myself, i don't even know what honesty is anymore. My story, my version of the truth becomes the truth to me. If i believe it and you can't dispute it then why isn't it true? Or maybe it's the truth in bits and peices, but the rest is just shit i throw in to fuck with your mind. Maybe i just like watching you believe my lies, it makes me feel better, smarter. God i'm fucked, this isn't even a tenth of the shit in my head. I jsut want to sleep forever sometimes i find myself wishing i wouldn't wake up. I'm not suicidal, i don't want to die. But i think about it often and the possiblility of death isn't something i worry about. I see myself dying tragically, quickly. I'd hate to think i'd live a completly boring life and die of cancer or something, how is that happiness. It's all or nothing, i want to live and paint and create and feel or i want to shut down and sleep and numb myself out. I often consider that i might be crazy, although i don't think i am i can feel myself slipping into the gray area sometimes. I don't know if that makes sense. haha i wrote too much and i'm tired so i'm going to bed... goodnight <3
<3Patrick
<3Patrick