Goddamnit, i just hate life sometimes...
Hey,
Well, i am not really doing too well right now. I feel like i am trapped deep inside an endless well and i have no way out of it, except for bonny . I feel so damn alone...i just want to fade out of existence right now....Bonny has told me some really bad stuff, and it made me feel that much worse knowing that I do not really have a lot i can do about it. I just want to take her and run away, far away, and never look back at this horrible town. I love her so much, and she is the only reason i am still alive right now....i just want to fade away from it all and live forever there with her. We have promised each other that we will never leave each other, ever. (yeah, sorry Jeff, I know you told me to wait until after college to fall in love, but you know how that stuff works...i promise i will be smart though) I plan on sticking to that, i just hope her parents do not take it too badly when we tell them that we are moving in with each other next year and living together while we go to school....
My mom has decided that she still loves my father. Ahhh yes....my father, what a character. He was my hero a LONG time ago, back when he used to be a real father to my little brother and I. Then he decided that my mom was not good enough for him and started sleeping with the most disgusting jabba the hut looking, psycho bitch this side of the nine hells, Labretta Hicks. *yeah well, what more did you expect from someone with the last name of Hicks in this trashy ass town* . I will never forget the night when i was asleep on the couch, and my mother was at work trying to keep a little food on the table. Yes we were very broke, worse than we are now. I usually had to go to a friends house to eat because my mom and dad did not make enough money to feed us and to keep the rented house paid up on. They would survive off of the food they got at work, and i would live off of school food and whichever friend i would eat over at's food. My dad had the tenacity to bring some random woman into our house while my mom was out trying to support his ass. Then you know what he did, he went and slept with his brothers wife!!!! well, after he did that it was the last straw with my mother, she called for a divorce and got it. I will always remember that night when he came home drunk and high on pot, my mom having just got back from working 12 hours and then to top it off she came home and cleaned the house and did the dishes but forgot to do a pan on the stove. He came home and beat her profusely for no reason, saying she should have done all of the dishes. I wanted to kill him so bad, but i didn't....i had the knife in my hand and the next thing i remember is waking up next to him in the hospital with a really bad headache and him with a big bandage around his leg where i stabbed him. I never saw or heard from him again until now when we get letters from him in jail saying that he has found Jesus...blah blah blah blah BULLSHIT! Now my mom says she loves him again, says that she forgives him and so should I. FUCK THAT!!!! HE IS THE REASON I AM THE WAY THAT I AM, HE IS THE REASON THAT I AM SUCH A WEAK PERSON, HE TORE MY HEART OUT IN FRONT OF ME AND NOW HE BEGS FOR MY FORGIVENESS, FUCK YOU!!!! YOU CAN HAVE MY FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU ARE IN HELL!!! I KNOW THAT I HATE MY FATHER, AND THERE IS NOT A WHOLE LOT THAT CAN CHANGE THAT, if I do decide to give him that forgiveness, it will be on my own terms, although i doubt that will ever happen.
God that kills me to even talk about it, i seriously feel tears welt up in my eyes when i do...on top of that I feel like all of my friends aren't anymore...Kelly and Chaz hardly want to do anything with me...it feels like they hate me now...I get this vibe of "were just putting up with you but we don't really want you here" when i am with them and April has moved on to her boyfriend and his friends who would all rather not have anything to do with me, so of course that eliminates me from that group as well...those were the only real friends that i had. I just miss when we all used to hang out as a group, I miss the days when we all used to be a big happy bunch....i miss being happy,....although i am happier than i have ever been in my entire life. with Bonny....it is kind of weird, I am happy yet I'm not at the same time.....I just feel like am losing everything....i need to feel like I belong to something....
Love you all, even if you don't love me....
Josh
Well, i am not really doing too well right now. I feel like i am trapped deep inside an endless well and i have no way out of it, except for bonny . I feel so damn alone...i just want to fade out of existence right now....Bonny has told me some really bad stuff, and it made me feel that much worse knowing that I do not really have a lot i can do about it. I just want to take her and run away, far away, and never look back at this horrible town. I love her so much, and she is the only reason i am still alive right now....i just want to fade away from it all and live forever there with her. We have promised each other that we will never leave each other, ever. (yeah, sorry Jeff, I know you told me to wait until after college to fall in love, but you know how that stuff works...i promise i will be smart though) I plan on sticking to that, i just hope her parents do not take it too badly when we tell them that we are moving in with each other next year and living together while we go to school....
My mom has decided that she still loves my father. Ahhh yes....my father, what a character. He was my hero a LONG time ago, back when he used to be a real father to my little brother and I. Then he decided that my mom was not good enough for him and started sleeping with the most disgusting jabba the hut looking, psycho bitch this side of the nine hells, Labretta Hicks. *yeah well, what more did you expect from someone with the last name of Hicks in this trashy ass town* . I will never forget the night when i was asleep on the couch, and my mother was at work trying to keep a little food on the table. Yes we were very broke, worse than we are now. I usually had to go to a friends house to eat because my mom and dad did not make enough money to feed us and to keep the rented house paid up on. They would survive off of the food they got at work, and i would live off of school food and whichever friend i would eat over at's food. My dad had the tenacity to bring some random woman into our house while my mom was out trying to support his ass. Then you know what he did, he went and slept with his brothers wife!!!! well, after he did that it was the last straw with my mother, she called for a divorce and got it. I will always remember that night when he came home drunk and high on pot, my mom having just got back from working 12 hours and then to top it off she came home and cleaned the house and did the dishes but forgot to do a pan on the stove. He came home and beat her profusely for no reason, saying she should have done all of the dishes. I wanted to kill him so bad, but i didn't....i had the knife in my hand and the next thing i remember is waking up next to him in the hospital with a really bad headache and him with a big bandage around his leg where i stabbed him. I never saw or heard from him again until now when we get letters from him in jail saying that he has found Jesus...blah blah blah blah BULLSHIT! Now my mom says she loves him again, says that she forgives him and so should I. FUCK THAT!!!! HE IS THE REASON I AM THE WAY THAT I AM, HE IS THE REASON THAT I AM SUCH A WEAK PERSON, HE TORE MY HEART OUT IN FRONT OF ME AND NOW HE BEGS FOR MY FORGIVENESS, FUCK YOU!!!! YOU CAN HAVE MY FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU ARE IN HELL!!! I KNOW THAT I HATE MY FATHER, AND THERE IS NOT A WHOLE LOT THAT CAN CHANGE THAT, if I do decide to give him that forgiveness, it will be on my own terms, although i doubt that will ever happen.
God that kills me to even talk about it, i seriously feel tears welt up in my eyes when i do...on top of that I feel like all of my friends aren't anymore...Kelly and Chaz hardly want to do anything with me...it feels like they hate me now...I get this vibe of "were just putting up with you but we don't really want you here" when i am with them and April has moved on to her boyfriend and his friends who would all rather not have anything to do with me, so of course that eliminates me from that group as well...those were the only real friends that i had. I just miss when we all used to hang out as a group, I miss the days when we all used to be a big happy bunch....i miss being happy,....although i am happier than i have ever been in my entire life. with Bonny....it is kind of weird, I am happy yet I'm not at the same time.....I just feel like am losing everything....i need to feel like I belong to something....
Love you all, even if you don't love me....
Josh