Here.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this.
This is what I get, this is what I deserve? I'm glad the torture isn't trying to hide its origin anymore. No it's just coming right out punching me in the stomach; so much worse than a punch in the face. No your stomach is closer to things that'll do you much more damage if you get hit hard enough, your face is just pain, blood, bruises, cuts, stitches and if you're quite unlucky broken noses and knocked out teeth. Pain I'm ok with. Enough punches in the stomach and soon you find it hard to breathe, soon you're bleeding, and not on the outside where you can see it and appreciate it, it's deep inside where it hurts for a long time, until it slowly wears away at you, exacting more and more torture as it makes your insides bleed. This is the type of pain that has haunted for a lifetime now. You think I'm forlorn, pleading for attention, sobbing into my pillow, crying out for attention, then fine, I'm not going to force you to think anything. I really could care less what each and every one of these people thinks.
Take all my money away, I don't like having it anyway. Make me feel foolish for choosing the, I don't know wrong person, to be with? Tell me just how worthless I am brother. Make me struggle to get by, it's kind of fun. Sleep? I didn't need it for 8 weeks, no one really does anyway right? I'd rather not have many of my dreams anyway. I wish I had a picture of what my legs looked like when I was done with them so I could put it right there across from the front door so you can see it as you walk into my soul. Defame my character while I'm locked away so that when I come home there is no doubt to anyone of my new found mates just how sad,wrong and immoral my life is. Slowly pull away, everyone. Try to pretend it's alright that once again education was the unfortunate item left out of this eqasion. Deal with the news that someone already in so much pain may only have a bleak future to look forward to of much the same. Then try to pick my brain and just see what happens, go ahead and pull that lever on this twisted slot machine and see what happens. Wow it's been a bright and sunny six months just full of that greener grass from the other side and beautiful butterflies all over. Man, I'm glad I'm not on the other-side of the tracks, it must suck over there.
Don't even try to know me for the past six years, 23 years, and then swoop in now and pull your own punches. Talk about me with others, wonder if I'm alright, but don't ask me, don't call, don't write, don't make me feel welcome. Only try to do this when I'm out of my head. Or just avoid me completely. In fact banish me for over two years when you were the only person I could talk to. Stop talking to me just because I left one place when you were the only person I could talk to in a different place. Then check in when it's too late, after all the damage is already done and say woe is me, look what you did, I thought this was in the past. Based on what? What do you know? Did you ask me? Did you ask me my side? No, just judge me, and demean me so that I may sink lower. Don't say you were always there for me that you always believed that you never lost hope while at the party at my life's end. Show up if you like, pay respects for those that survive me but don't spew untruths.
Well I've said it before and I'll reiterate: I have no regrets. You probably think I should; I should beg for forgiveness for my sins, but no in my own way I've come to terms with the "horrible", "fallible", "inappropriate," "irresponsible," "sick," "WRONG," way I've lived my life, or at least scratched out my pathetic existence. As hard as it is to convince myself, I've felt this much pain for some fleeting reason, that my path in life is to learn something important about it all, and I'm not going to give up now after I've tirelessly run so far to try and catch up to it. 23 years have passed and I still don't feel any closer to figuring out this twisted puzzle. Call it fate, call it Karma, call it God's path, call it what you like, it's mine and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself now and resort to wishing it away, and finally when that fails throw in the towel.
Fine, your love is conditional- I'll write that down. So my life wasn't so stunningly perfect! I didn't parade through the fucking USAFA with perfect grades since I was 7! I don't have this great job where I'll be stuck in a square office for the rest of my life. So I'm 23 and not done with school, and on top of that have no idea when it'll be done. Hey did you know I'm homeless? Eat on that anyone who's nice and comfortable in your own house or apartment. So I've been hospitalized, oh no, in the scary psych ward. Did I get a lobotomy while I was there? Did they shock my brain? I'm not on my way to anything past a lowly little bachelor's degree, and guess what I've never had a 4.0. I did for most of high school, but no one cares, especially not you. No you decided long ago that success was defined upon status and how much green is in your pocket. Look at this big check, wow, look at my wallet, not only is it falling apart because I can't afford a new one, it's also empty. How do you like that.
Lose faith in me. Do you lose faith in a nation when they continue to poison the world pushing policy upon people's for who it wasn't intended, walking all over parts of the world based on its own decree and ripping a holes through land not theirs for theirs and only their gain, inflicting upon the world pollution, disease, low wages, and waste of human life so that you may have all your fancy possessions not knowing a thing about how it came to be or where it came from; or one that continues to imprison human beings wrongly without fair trial, and a nation that continues to guzzle resources like they have no end in sight? Or do you proudly claim that you're proud to be a member of this hypocrisy?
No, I will thrive on it. I will work harder even though you don't see it, I'll continue to get help trying to dig to the bottom of the grave I've been buried alive in for so long so that when we get there maybe we can pull me out of it. It'll take time, there was mostly hell before it somehow got worse. I will use this pent up anger now break now what is frangible, destroy my bones and other extraneous physical objects, but instead to make my path now with force. We built a highway through to the end of the Alaskan wilderness and through Canada to boot in 8 months; certainly my path will take longer to forge, but I'll bulldoze through my own trees, river, hills, valleys, and mountains without any complaint. I'll spend the next year forging through pain to the point of tears to make myself physically stronger so that I will be better prepared to handle the full gamut pain I'm sure to experience as wind down darker paths. When I'm done I will burn around my track putting the notion in my mind that each of you who lost faith in me are the one's I'm distancing myself from and exerting pain upon as you fail to catch me. Then when I am done with that I will fulfill my goals, on my own time, when I've learned all that I need to know from all of this. I am not weak, I am stronger for what came around the dark bends and dark forests along my path.
And don't fancy yourself thinking this is a missive aimed at any one you alone. No this goes beyond you, don't get pompous. Some of this is aimed at nothing tangible so don't take this the wrong way. I have no hate, I hold no grudges, I see hope in every person that I meet. So if you've taken any of this as a person affront, then you have it all wrong. If so at least you'll be out of my way for a while until I have more of the answers....
This is what I get, this is what I deserve? I'm glad the torture isn't trying to hide its origin anymore. No it's just coming right out punching me in the stomach; so much worse than a punch in the face. No your stomach is closer to things that'll do you much more damage if you get hit hard enough, your face is just pain, blood, bruises, cuts, stitches and if you're quite unlucky broken noses and knocked out teeth. Pain I'm ok with. Enough punches in the stomach and soon you find it hard to breathe, soon you're bleeding, and not on the outside where you can see it and appreciate it, it's deep inside where it hurts for a long time, until it slowly wears away at you, exacting more and more torture as it makes your insides bleed. This is the type of pain that has haunted for a lifetime now. You think I'm forlorn, pleading for attention, sobbing into my pillow, crying out for attention, then fine, I'm not going to force you to think anything. I really could care less what each and every one of these people thinks.
Take all my money away, I don't like having it anyway. Make me feel foolish for choosing the, I don't know wrong person, to be with? Tell me just how worthless I am brother. Make me struggle to get by, it's kind of fun. Sleep? I didn't need it for 8 weeks, no one really does anyway right? I'd rather not have many of my dreams anyway. I wish I had a picture of what my legs looked like when I was done with them so I could put it right there across from the front door so you can see it as you walk into my soul. Defame my character while I'm locked away so that when I come home there is no doubt to anyone of my new found mates just how sad,wrong and immoral my life is. Slowly pull away, everyone. Try to pretend it's alright that once again education was the unfortunate item left out of this eqasion. Deal with the news that someone already in so much pain may only have a bleak future to look forward to of much the same. Then try to pick my brain and just see what happens, go ahead and pull that lever on this twisted slot machine and see what happens. Wow it's been a bright and sunny six months just full of that greener grass from the other side and beautiful butterflies all over. Man, I'm glad I'm not on the other-side of the tracks, it must suck over there.
Don't even try to know me for the past six years, 23 years, and then swoop in now and pull your own punches. Talk about me with others, wonder if I'm alright, but don't ask me, don't call, don't write, don't make me feel welcome. Only try to do this when I'm out of my head. Or just avoid me completely. In fact banish me for over two years when you were the only person I could talk to. Stop talking to me just because I left one place when you were the only person I could talk to in a different place. Then check in when it's too late, after all the damage is already done and say woe is me, look what you did, I thought this was in the past. Based on what? What do you know? Did you ask me? Did you ask me my side? No, just judge me, and demean me so that I may sink lower. Don't say you were always there for me that you always believed that you never lost hope while at the party at my life's end. Show up if you like, pay respects for those that survive me but don't spew untruths.
Well I've said it before and I'll reiterate: I have no regrets. You probably think I should; I should beg for forgiveness for my sins, but no in my own way I've come to terms with the "horrible", "fallible", "inappropriate," "irresponsible," "sick," "WRONG," way I've lived my life, or at least scratched out my pathetic existence. As hard as it is to convince myself, I've felt this much pain for some fleeting reason, that my path in life is to learn something important about it all, and I'm not going to give up now after I've tirelessly run so far to try and catch up to it. 23 years have passed and I still don't feel any closer to figuring out this twisted puzzle. Call it fate, call it Karma, call it God's path, call it what you like, it's mine and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself now and resort to wishing it away, and finally when that fails throw in the towel.
Fine, your love is conditional- I'll write that down. So my life wasn't so stunningly perfect! I didn't parade through the fucking USAFA with perfect grades since I was 7! I don't have this great job where I'll be stuck in a square office for the rest of my life. So I'm 23 and not done with school, and on top of that have no idea when it'll be done. Hey did you know I'm homeless? Eat on that anyone who's nice and comfortable in your own house or apartment. So I've been hospitalized, oh no, in the scary psych ward. Did I get a lobotomy while I was there? Did they shock my brain? I'm not on my way to anything past a lowly little bachelor's degree, and guess what I've never had a 4.0. I did for most of high school, but no one cares, especially not you. No you decided long ago that success was defined upon status and how much green is in your pocket. Look at this big check, wow, look at my wallet, not only is it falling apart because I can't afford a new one, it's also empty. How do you like that.
Lose faith in me. Do you lose faith in a nation when they continue to poison the world pushing policy upon people's for who it wasn't intended, walking all over parts of the world based on its own decree and ripping a holes through land not theirs for theirs and only their gain, inflicting upon the world pollution, disease, low wages, and waste of human life so that you may have all your fancy possessions not knowing a thing about how it came to be or where it came from; or one that continues to imprison human beings wrongly without fair trial, and a nation that continues to guzzle resources like they have no end in sight? Or do you proudly claim that you're proud to be a member of this hypocrisy?
No, I will thrive on it. I will work harder even though you don't see it, I'll continue to get help trying to dig to the bottom of the grave I've been buried alive in for so long so that when we get there maybe we can pull me out of it. It'll take time, there was mostly hell before it somehow got worse. I will use this pent up anger now break now what is frangible, destroy my bones and other extraneous physical objects, but instead to make my path now with force. We built a highway through to the end of the Alaskan wilderness and through Canada to boot in 8 months; certainly my path will take longer to forge, but I'll bulldoze through my own trees, river, hills, valleys, and mountains without any complaint. I'll spend the next year forging through pain to the point of tears to make myself physically stronger so that I will be better prepared to handle the full gamut pain I'm sure to experience as wind down darker paths. When I'm done I will burn around my track putting the notion in my mind that each of you who lost faith in me are the one's I'm distancing myself from and exerting pain upon as you fail to catch me. Then when I am done with that I will fulfill my goals, on my own time, when I've learned all that I need to know from all of this. I am not weak, I am stronger for what came around the dark bends and dark forests along my path.
And don't fancy yourself thinking this is a missive aimed at any one you alone. No this goes beyond you, don't get pompous. Some of this is aimed at nothing tangible so don't take this the wrong way. I have no hate, I hold no grudges, I see hope in every person that I meet. So if you've taken any of this as a person affront, then you have it all wrong. If so at least you'll be out of my way for a while until I have more of the answers....