So this is the New Year....
I don't feel any different...
Well, welcome to 2006, world. My past few days have been interesting. Death Cab has been following me around. Pretty much my actions over the last few days have been mirrored by Death Cab lyrics, so here goes one of them.
"Love is watching someone die"- What Sarah Said.
We put my dog, Polly to sleep on Friday. It was a long, hard ordeal to get up the nerve to put her down. I realized something: you end up talking yourself into things to ease the pain and guilt you bring upon yourself for killing something. "It was the most humane thing to do" "She was hurting" "She's in a better place now" etc. Just to tell yourself that in doing something bad you were doing something good.
Death is one of those things that truly brings out the core of a person. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they deal with death. For me, I recognize death as the critical third part of the life cycle. Birth, Life, Death. All three are to be loved and revered, not mourned. Nothing in this life is permanent. Sadness and evil are brought about by attachment to material things in the world. Why should we bring these undesirable emotions? I choose not to. Death is something to be celebrated, not mourned. Regardless of circumstances.
Most people react with sadness toward death because of a couple of reasons: that they don't understand it and therefore fear the unknown. It is well known that when people are truly afraid, they react with anxiety and sadness. The same emotions are expressed in observing death. I have watched my mom react to my dogs' death and the same pattern is there. Anxiety and sadness. Why should we fear death? We have no knowledge if death is good/bad or otherwise, so there is really nothing to fear. I would be excited to die because it means experiencing something I have never done before (I am not rushing the process though).
I was stoic through the whole experience and consolatory toward my mom, but the whole thing did not illicit an ounce of emotion in me. This dog who I have lived with for 10 years. Who was certainly a part of my childhood and youth, died before my eyes. I watched the eyes change as she died. Not a stirring of emotion. I was at peace through the whole endeavour. It was a spiritual, reflective moment for me. I realized later when I was digging the grave, that even though I have lost a friend, the earth gained her back. All of the input our mother earth has put into that crazy dog is being returned.
A lot comes to mind when you are doing the grim task of gravedigging. You reflect on mortality and think that one day you will be laying in a hole just like this one. Put in a cardboard box just like this one. Given back to the earth. After the burial was done, I came in and just hugged Larry, my favorite dog. Causality in effect, I just appreciated the fact that Larry was still here with me and that I wasn't digging a (much smaller) hole for him. I hugged my mom, recognizing that I wasn't digging a hole for her. I realized, when faced with death, that everything I see in this world is either already dead or on it's way there. I need to take advantage of the life stage while I can, before I have to celebrate the death. I can't just take life for granted anymore. I believe that Carpe Diem is my motto, but I realized that I was taking that for granted. Mortality is what makes us human, indeed what makes life life. Life is defined by the fact that it ends at some point.
My mom, though she is atheist, told Polly to "say 'hi' to Spot (our older Dalmatian who we also put to sleep)" right before the injection, even though my mom knew that Polly was completely deaf and even though she claims to believe in no afterlife.
I was thrown for a loop by that. That one sentence was really the most telling for me. I really don't know what to think of it. Is my mother a hypocrite? Does she truly believe in an afterlife? Do all beings, deep down believe in an afterlife, regardless of what they talk themselves into? I don't at all. When that day comes, it made me question what I would do. Would I throw the beliefs that shaped me out the window and believe in an afterlife? Would it be moral to do? Would I have just cancelled out everything I ever believed? Lots to think about.
Occasionally, my eyes move to the part of my bedroom wall in the direction of her grave. I smile, knowing that the circle is complete. Her story is completed and her journey over. What comes now is a matter of faith. I believe her afterlife is in the memories I will hold in my heart forever. I think Sartre would agree with me.
Well, welcome to 2006, world. My past few days have been interesting. Death Cab has been following me around. Pretty much my actions over the last few days have been mirrored by Death Cab lyrics, so here goes one of them.
"Love is watching someone die"- What Sarah Said.
We put my dog, Polly to sleep on Friday. It was a long, hard ordeal to get up the nerve to put her down. I realized something: you end up talking yourself into things to ease the pain and guilt you bring upon yourself for killing something. "It was the most humane thing to do" "She was hurting" "She's in a better place now" etc. Just to tell yourself that in doing something bad you were doing something good.
Death is one of those things that truly brings out the core of a person. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they deal with death. For me, I recognize death as the critical third part of the life cycle. Birth, Life, Death. All three are to be loved and revered, not mourned. Nothing in this life is permanent. Sadness and evil are brought about by attachment to material things in the world. Why should we bring these undesirable emotions? I choose not to. Death is something to be celebrated, not mourned. Regardless of circumstances.
Most people react with sadness toward death because of a couple of reasons: that they don't understand it and therefore fear the unknown. It is well known that when people are truly afraid, they react with anxiety and sadness. The same emotions are expressed in observing death. I have watched my mom react to my dogs' death and the same pattern is there. Anxiety and sadness. Why should we fear death? We have no knowledge if death is good/bad or otherwise, so there is really nothing to fear. I would be excited to die because it means experiencing something I have never done before (I am not rushing the process though).
I was stoic through the whole experience and consolatory toward my mom, but the whole thing did not illicit an ounce of emotion in me. This dog who I have lived with for 10 years. Who was certainly a part of my childhood and youth, died before my eyes. I watched the eyes change as she died. Not a stirring of emotion. I was at peace through the whole endeavour. It was a spiritual, reflective moment for me. I realized later when I was digging the grave, that even though I have lost a friend, the earth gained her back. All of the input our mother earth has put into that crazy dog is being returned.
A lot comes to mind when you are doing the grim task of gravedigging. You reflect on mortality and think that one day you will be laying in a hole just like this one. Put in a cardboard box just like this one. Given back to the earth. After the burial was done, I came in and just hugged Larry, my favorite dog. Causality in effect, I just appreciated the fact that Larry was still here with me and that I wasn't digging a (much smaller) hole for him. I hugged my mom, recognizing that I wasn't digging a hole for her. I realized, when faced with death, that everything I see in this world is either already dead or on it's way there. I need to take advantage of the life stage while I can, before I have to celebrate the death. I can't just take life for granted anymore. I believe that Carpe Diem is my motto, but I realized that I was taking that for granted. Mortality is what makes us human, indeed what makes life life. Life is defined by the fact that it ends at some point.
My mom, though she is atheist, told Polly to "say 'hi' to Spot (our older Dalmatian who we also put to sleep)" right before the injection, even though my mom knew that Polly was completely deaf and even though she claims to believe in no afterlife.
I was thrown for a loop by that. That one sentence was really the most telling for me. I really don't know what to think of it. Is my mother a hypocrite? Does she truly believe in an afterlife? Do all beings, deep down believe in an afterlife, regardless of what they talk themselves into? I don't at all. When that day comes, it made me question what I would do. Would I throw the beliefs that shaped me out the window and believe in an afterlife? Would it be moral to do? Would I have just cancelled out everything I ever believed? Lots to think about.
Occasionally, my eyes move to the part of my bedroom wall in the direction of her grave. I smile, knowing that the circle is complete. Her story is completed and her journey over. What comes now is a matter of faith. I believe her afterlife is in the memories I will hold in my heart forever. I think Sartre would agree with me.