Redemption, Chp. 8
Chapter 8
Kahlan’s eyes fixed on the fire, barely visible through the trees. Watching from inside her room, through the tall windows that overlooked the terrace, she could just make out its faint glow atop the mountain. Seeing its flicker somehow made her feel closer to Richard yet at the same time, further from him than she'd ever felt before. She wished she had the strength to go to him. She knew there was a need buried somewhere deep inside her, yet she couldn’t get past the emptiness, a cold barren veil she couldn’t seem to shed. At times it was achingly close and she tried to remember those feelings, then, just as quickly they would fade away, staying just beyond her grasp.
Watching the fire she was suddenly flooded with memories of that awful day she wanted only to forget. Her pain had been so overwhelming she didn’t think she could go on. Richard’s soft voice had been the only thing to keep her sane, like a beacon in a thick fog, keeping her from slipping into madness. She remembered Richard’s hand holding tight to hers, his other arm secure around her waist as she leaned against him for strength. “It’s alright Kahlan, I’m here. We’ll do this together” he had said, holding fast to her as they made their way up the mountain. Thinking back on it now she could hear the pain in his voice - at the time she had been so lost in her grief she hadn’t heard his own. Besieged by fear and panic as they neared the top, she couldn’t breathe, she struggled and fought like a wildcat. She realized now he’d only been trying to hold her, comfort her, but at the time, she’d been terrified he would force her to go. To see. She’d clawed at him and beat against his chest until she finally collapsed against him, exhausted. He’d swept her up in his arms and she remembered sobbing into his neck as he carried her down the hillside. When he at last laid her in their bed, he’d held her close. His arms felt so strong and secure around her as he tried to soothe her with his words, his touch. “I’m so sorry Kahlan.” She’d been too distraught at the time to offer any words of comfort to him and wished now with all her heart she’d told him how much she loved him, needed him.
That had been weeks ago and she’d seen little of him since. He came and went so quietly, so late in the night, she only knew his presence by the imprint in his pillow and the fold of the blankets.
As hard as this was for her, Kahlan knew it was doubly hard for Richard. She had been raised her entire life for service and duty; her life had never truly been hers. Before Richard, she had never expected to have happiness or love.
Even with all of his assurances, she somehow knew in the back of her mind, a male Confessor child would not stand. She had wanted to believe him with all her heart that this time would be different, but somewhere deep inside she had known all along, their Ethan would never grow to be a man. It had been that way for thousands of years - if not by nature, by force. Growing up in Westland Richard couldn’t conceive of such an atrocity. His love of life and quest for truth made him much more vulnerable than she in matters such as this.
Kahlan went to lie down on the bed, sliding under the luxurious covers, searching once more for the need she knew lived inside her. She desperately wanted to find it and break past the pain. It seemed an eternity since she’d felt anything other than sadness and grief. She closed her eyes and waited for the sweet relief of sleep.
---
Richard tossed more wood on the fire, just a small piece, it would be morning soon and he had yet to go to bed. He spent countless hours up on the hilltop wondering how he would ever give Kahlan her life back when he himself felt so dead inside. He wished he could go to her and hold her, keep her close and kiss away her pain, but when he reached inside himself to draw on those feelings he found only darkness, an empty soul, devoid of life. Devoid of feeling. There was no more grief or sadness. No desire or need. There was nothing. He almost wished for the pain to return - at least then he would feel something. He’d rather the anguish than this emptiness. Richard placed a hand on the sword at his hip, drawing on its magic, instantly feeling it tingle in his veins as it began to course through him. He closed his eyes succumbing to the power of it, letting it rush through him until it flowed with a vengeance and fury stormed in his blood, filling him with rage. It was better than feeling nothing at all.
---
Though her legs grew weary, Cara had steadfastly stayed at her post outside the Mother Confessor’s room knowing her presence helped put Lord Rahl’s mind at ease. She was growing used the routine now, nearly two months since Ethan’s death. When her eyelids became too heavy, she decided it was time to slip inside for a rest on the sofa. She was surprised to find Kahlan still awake, sitting up by the fire. It unnerved her. They’d spoken little since Ethan’s death and she wasn’t sure if she should stay or go, leaving her to her private sorrow.
“Sorry” she mumbled, turning to leave.
“Wait, Cara…” Kahlan’s eyes pleaded with her, “please?”
“Of course” Cara said, closing the door. Not sure if she should sit, she took up her guard post on this side of the door.
Kahlan had felt forlorn for days, more so than she had been. She had awoken one recent morning to find Richard’s side of the bed still warm. When she had reached her hand to his place in their bed, she’d felt his warmth, his presence. It made her sad to know she had missed him by mere moments. She had felt dead for so long, the heat of him rekindled a spark of life inside her and the ache of needing him filled her once more. She had been so long without him and realized she missed him terribly.
She hoped Cara could offer some insight into how Richard was faring, she saw more of him than anyone these days.
Kahlan patted the sofa next to her, “Why don’t you come sit? You’ve been standing out there quite a while.”
Cara did so silently.
“How are things? Are you well?” Kahlan asked.
Cara thought it an odd question, “I’m fine” she answered flatly.
After a long pause Kahlan asked, “Is there any word of trouble within the city?”
“No, everything is quiet.”
Kahlan smoothed her hands over her thighs, “Is there any word from D’Hara?”
Not one to step lightly, Cara got right to the point, “You don’t care if there’s word from D’Hara.” She knew what Kahlan really wanted to hear.
Not ready to admit it, Kahlan toyed with a thread on the sleeve of her dress. “How’s Zedd, did you seen him this evening?”
“Yes” Cara replied, “I stopped by his room before I came here. You know, he actually wants to go for a walk tomorrow, down by the riverfront. I think he’s finally beginning to feel better.” She looked Kahlan directly in the eye, “He misses you Mother Confessor.”
Her words made Kahlan uncomfortable and she pretended not to know what Cara really meant. “Misses me? I saw him earlier….has he forgotten already? Perhaps I should -”
“Lord Rahl” Cara interrupted.
“What?”
Cara noticed Kahlan’s uneasiness at hearing his name but she didn’t care. She didn’t like seeing them apart. They needed each other, now more than ever. Why couldn’t they see what was so plainly obvious, even to a Mord-Sith? “Lord Rahl. He misses you.”
Kahlan looked down at her hands as she twisted her fingers, her heart felt heavy at the mention of his name. “Has he told you that?” She looked up, “When you’re up there with him, does he tell you he misses me?” Kahlan felt envious of Cara’s time with Richard. It seemed an eternity since she heard the sound of his voice.
“No. He doesn’t speak to me on the mountain.” Somehow, Kahlan wasn’t surprised. “But I’ve heard his pleas” Cara went on. “When he doesn’t know I’m near…He curses the spirits for your pain and in the same breath begs for their guidance.
I asked him shortly after you…after he carried you home, when he woke me from the sofa and told me to go to bed…I asked why he spends so much time away from you. I didn’t think he would tell me at first, it took him so long to answer. Just as I was about to leave he said that your suffering was his fault. That he had promised you he’d find a way to save your son. He can’t forgive himself for the torment he’s caused you.”
“But, it’s not his fault!” Kahlan cried vehemently. “He did everything he could to save Ethan! He risked his life in going to Shota, he risked Zedd’s in purging the illness…he would have given his own life had he known how to exchange one for the other!” Tears came anew at hearing Richard was bearing the weight of Ethan’s death, blaming himself for what nature had done.
Cara’s tone was surprisingly soft, “We know that…We’re intelligent thinking women.” She smiled briefly before leveling a serious look. “He loves you Mother Confessor.”
Kahlan felt lonelier than ever, “I love him too” she whispered. She decided then and there this had gone on long enough. They were letting themselves fall into despair, something neither would want if they were in their right mind. She knew she had to do what she thought she never could or would. She had to go the one place she never wanted to go. If Richard wouldn’t come to her, she would go to him, only this time, she had to find the strength to go to the mountaintop alone.
xxx
Kahlan’s eyes fixed on the fire, barely visible through the trees. Watching from inside her room, through the tall windows that overlooked the terrace, she could just make out its faint glow atop the mountain. Seeing its flicker somehow made her feel closer to Richard yet at the same time, further from him than she'd ever felt before. She wished she had the strength to go to him. She knew there was a need buried somewhere deep inside her, yet she couldn’t get past the emptiness, a cold barren veil she couldn’t seem to shed. At times it was achingly close and she tried to remember those feelings, then, just as quickly they would fade away, staying just beyond her grasp.
Watching the fire she was suddenly flooded with memories of that awful day she wanted only to forget. Her pain had been so overwhelming she didn’t think she could go on. Richard’s soft voice had been the only thing to keep her sane, like a beacon in a thick fog, keeping her from slipping into madness. She remembered Richard’s hand holding tight to hers, his other arm secure around her waist as she leaned against him for strength. “It’s alright Kahlan, I’m here. We’ll do this together” he had said, holding fast to her as they made their way up the mountain. Thinking back on it now she could hear the pain in his voice - at the time she had been so lost in her grief she hadn’t heard his own. Besieged by fear and panic as they neared the top, she couldn’t breathe, she struggled and fought like a wildcat. She realized now he’d only been trying to hold her, comfort her, but at the time, she’d been terrified he would force her to go. To see. She’d clawed at him and beat against his chest until she finally collapsed against him, exhausted. He’d swept her up in his arms and she remembered sobbing into his neck as he carried her down the hillside. When he at last laid her in their bed, he’d held her close. His arms felt so strong and secure around her as he tried to soothe her with his words, his touch. “I’m so sorry Kahlan.” She’d been too distraught at the time to offer any words of comfort to him and wished now with all her heart she’d told him how much she loved him, needed him.
That had been weeks ago and she’d seen little of him since. He came and went so quietly, so late in the night, she only knew his presence by the imprint in his pillow and the fold of the blankets.
As hard as this was for her, Kahlan knew it was doubly hard for Richard. She had been raised her entire life for service and duty; her life had never truly been hers. Before Richard, she had never expected to have happiness or love.
Even with all of his assurances, she somehow knew in the back of her mind, a male Confessor child would not stand. She had wanted to believe him with all her heart that this time would be different, but somewhere deep inside she had known all along, their Ethan would never grow to be a man. It had been that way for thousands of years - if not by nature, by force. Growing up in Westland Richard couldn’t conceive of such an atrocity. His love of life and quest for truth made him much more vulnerable than she in matters such as this.
Kahlan went to lie down on the bed, sliding under the luxurious covers, searching once more for the need she knew lived inside her. She desperately wanted to find it and break past the pain. It seemed an eternity since she’d felt anything other than sadness and grief. She closed her eyes and waited for the sweet relief of sleep.
---
Richard tossed more wood on the fire, just a small piece, it would be morning soon and he had yet to go to bed. He spent countless hours up on the hilltop wondering how he would ever give Kahlan her life back when he himself felt so dead inside. He wished he could go to her and hold her, keep her close and kiss away her pain, but when he reached inside himself to draw on those feelings he found only darkness, an empty soul, devoid of life. Devoid of feeling. There was no more grief or sadness. No desire or need. There was nothing. He almost wished for the pain to return - at least then he would feel something. He’d rather the anguish than this emptiness. Richard placed a hand on the sword at his hip, drawing on its magic, instantly feeling it tingle in his veins as it began to course through him. He closed his eyes succumbing to the power of it, letting it rush through him until it flowed with a vengeance and fury stormed in his blood, filling him with rage. It was better than feeling nothing at all.
---
Though her legs grew weary, Cara had steadfastly stayed at her post outside the Mother Confessor’s room knowing her presence helped put Lord Rahl’s mind at ease. She was growing used the routine now, nearly two months since Ethan’s death. When her eyelids became too heavy, she decided it was time to slip inside for a rest on the sofa. She was surprised to find Kahlan still awake, sitting up by the fire. It unnerved her. They’d spoken little since Ethan’s death and she wasn’t sure if she should stay or go, leaving her to her private sorrow.
“Sorry” she mumbled, turning to leave.
“Wait, Cara…” Kahlan’s eyes pleaded with her, “please?”
“Of course” Cara said, closing the door. Not sure if she should sit, she took up her guard post on this side of the door.
Kahlan had felt forlorn for days, more so than she had been. She had awoken one recent morning to find Richard’s side of the bed still warm. When she had reached her hand to his place in their bed, she’d felt his warmth, his presence. It made her sad to know she had missed him by mere moments. She had felt dead for so long, the heat of him rekindled a spark of life inside her and the ache of needing him filled her once more. She had been so long without him and realized she missed him terribly.
She hoped Cara could offer some insight into how Richard was faring, she saw more of him than anyone these days.
Kahlan patted the sofa next to her, “Why don’t you come sit? You’ve been standing out there quite a while.”
Cara did so silently.
“How are things? Are you well?” Kahlan asked.
Cara thought it an odd question, “I’m fine” she answered flatly.
After a long pause Kahlan asked, “Is there any word of trouble within the city?”
“No, everything is quiet.”
Kahlan smoothed her hands over her thighs, “Is there any word from D’Hara?”
Not one to step lightly, Cara got right to the point, “You don’t care if there’s word from D’Hara.” She knew what Kahlan really wanted to hear.
Not ready to admit it, Kahlan toyed with a thread on the sleeve of her dress. “How’s Zedd, did you seen him this evening?”
“Yes” Cara replied, “I stopped by his room before I came here. You know, he actually wants to go for a walk tomorrow, down by the riverfront. I think he’s finally beginning to feel better.” She looked Kahlan directly in the eye, “He misses you Mother Confessor.”
Her words made Kahlan uncomfortable and she pretended not to know what Cara really meant. “Misses me? I saw him earlier….has he forgotten already? Perhaps I should -”
“Lord Rahl” Cara interrupted.
“What?”
Cara noticed Kahlan’s uneasiness at hearing his name but she didn’t care. She didn’t like seeing them apart. They needed each other, now more than ever. Why couldn’t they see what was so plainly obvious, even to a Mord-Sith? “Lord Rahl. He misses you.”
Kahlan looked down at her hands as she twisted her fingers, her heart felt heavy at the mention of his name. “Has he told you that?” She looked up, “When you’re up there with him, does he tell you he misses me?” Kahlan felt envious of Cara’s time with Richard. It seemed an eternity since she heard the sound of his voice.
“No. He doesn’t speak to me on the mountain.” Somehow, Kahlan wasn’t surprised. “But I’ve heard his pleas” Cara went on. “When he doesn’t know I’m near…He curses the spirits for your pain and in the same breath begs for their guidance.
I asked him shortly after you…after he carried you home, when he woke me from the sofa and told me to go to bed…I asked why he spends so much time away from you. I didn’t think he would tell me at first, it took him so long to answer. Just as I was about to leave he said that your suffering was his fault. That he had promised you he’d find a way to save your son. He can’t forgive himself for the torment he’s caused you.”
“But, it’s not his fault!” Kahlan cried vehemently. “He did everything he could to save Ethan! He risked his life in going to Shota, he risked Zedd’s in purging the illness…he would have given his own life had he known how to exchange one for the other!” Tears came anew at hearing Richard was bearing the weight of Ethan’s death, blaming himself for what nature had done.
Cara’s tone was surprisingly soft, “We know that…We’re intelligent thinking women.” She smiled briefly before leveling a serious look. “He loves you Mother Confessor.”
Kahlan felt lonelier than ever, “I love him too” she whispered. She decided then and there this had gone on long enough. They were letting themselves fall into despair, something neither would want if they were in their right mind. She knew she had to do what she thought she never could or would. She had to go the one place she never wanted to go. If Richard wouldn’t come to her, she would go to him, only this time, she had to find the strength to go to the mountaintop alone.
xxx