Brigit's Flame - Week 1, April - Prompt 'Shade' - "Indian Summer"

[jlly_coppercorn]

Indian Summer

BF post Week 1, April
Prompt: Shade
Genre: Urban Fantasy/Mythic Fiction (sequel/prequel to my urban fantasy short story "Emmaliene")
Word count: 1,817

Comments

[darlinleo]

Emmaliene! :D

You've got some terrific lines in here. I can't wait to read the next!

[jlly_coppercorn]

Thank you for reading them.

If there were three things about "Indian Summer" you would change to improve it, what would they be?
People are being nice in the comments but only 1 person actually voted for it, so I'm thinking there was a lack of real impact. Maybe the story itself was kind of a downer or maybe the resolution was too cliche or rushed...too vague.

I did rush the part of the story after they arrived at the house. I had a couple of other things in mind that would transpire during their visit, but I ran out of writing time.

I would welcome your advice or critique.

[darlinleo]

Well, I think the problem behind the votes may just be that Flamers have gotten out of the habit of voting. It may be a few weeks before we start seeing any real action there. (Also, you should refresh your page, because you've gotten 3 votes :D) As for things I would change or suggestions I would make, I was hoping we'd all get to have a Flamechat of sorts to discuss each other's entries and future entries, but that may be another thing that takes a while to catch on

[jlly_coppercorn]

:D One of those votes is my own...but two is better than one so YAY!

I want to Flamestorm and all that. Keep me in the loop.

Steve gave me similar feedback on the descriptiveness but I don't trust him as much as you because he prefers to read about war and he's a boy.

Thank you. I'm going to reread it with the mental camera turned off and see if I can't fix it up. I need to do some work on Emmaliene anyway, to try to resolve the abrupt flow from scene to scene. In that one I was trying not to write unnecessary stuff and my transitions really suffered for it.
I plan on telling Emmaliene's story as a triptych. The third installment will be from the father's perspective and will tell the part of the story that happened after the discovery.

[keppiehed]

I love some of the imagery in here. You write beautifully!

[jlly_coppercorn]

Thank you :D

[missflyer]

Such beautiful imagery and prose! I loved reading it, thank you so much for sharing! *looks at the Emmaliene link and clicks it* :)

[jlly_coppercorn]

Thank you for commenting :D

[bluegerl]

A story that came true... aaahh. There's nothing like some Seredipity to make magics. Thank you...

[jlly_coppercorn]

Thank you for reading it :D

[hwango]

I think my favorite bit was the line about "our ghastly resort." But the company is more important than the destination, right? = ) At least things worked out in the end, though.

[jlly_coppercorn]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment :D