(no subject)
Well, break has been ok. It's had it's ups and it's downs, mostly downs. Coolest part of break? I got a Calvin Klein dress shirt and tie for christmas. How sad is that?
Been feeling the regrets about going back to Morgantown again. Starting to think that while the program was a good reason to go back, that that is really the only good reason I had to go back there. I also went back to Motown because I wouldn't have to go about making any new friends. I already had friends there. But, when I came back, they had pretty much moved on without me in the picture. Only a few friendships have remained as strong as they were when I was in undergrad. And two friendships I've pretty much turned sour, and not sure why I'm still even friends with them. Well one anyways. The other one, we're going to try and make an effort to do more things together. As was stated by her, we make a good team. We actually do.
Just way too many bad memories are building up in that town, and I just wish it was June already so I could get out. My friendships aren't doing what they should for me. Instead of giving me strength, they often only give me stress. I'm getting more stress from friends than I am from my damn graduate program. What's horrible, is that I'm looking forward to getting a job someplace else. Sad isn't it? I want the real world. Anything has got to be better than this right?
Wondering why I haven't mentioned the gf? Well most of you already know about that situation already so I'm not going to mess with it anymore on this.
Was talking with a female friend of mine today, and she was talking about a guy that she met and was really nice at first, but isn't calling her now. Telling me how all boys suck. Well atleast only the ones that aren't genuinely nice to her after awhile. She's a great girl, too bad she's off limits, cause I'm developing a bit of a crush.
I guess what this year is teaching me is something good and worthwhile. I'm learning skills for my career, of course, but I'm talking about learning things about what I want in life.
While I know that stress is a constant in anyone's life, I know I can handle stress. I also know that I tend to handle it well up to a certain amount. Work related stress, I'm fine with, I deal with it. What I am unable to deal with is stress coming from places it should not reside. I should not be feeling stressed about friends and friendships.
I'm learning that I do not want a casual fling with a girl. I'm way passed that point in my life. In fact I completely skipped that point in my life. Or maybe that casual fling exacerbated itself with one girl. Alayna. She had no long term potential. She was in all actuality, a horrible person for me. She was just someone to fill the other side of the bed at night.
I'm also learning that I don't want a serious relationship right now. And what I mean is that while I do want the relationship, I'm not ready for the commitment that comes with one of those relationships. Saying this is all well and good. It just keeps me from looking too far down the road. I have no idea where I'll be in 6 months. Why should I get into something that serious when I don't know where I'm going to be setting up home? All I do know is I want to stay around DC. That's where the jobs I'm interested in are. While I'm not going to get into anything serious right from the start, I'm also not stupid enough to keep that door closed from the start.
I'm finding out that I might be a bit on the side of a sociopath. And when I say that, what I mean is that I tend to go through the motions of breakup very quickly. And I'm not usually very emotional about it. About all I do is I get angry, quite pissed off actually, screw up a couple of friendships, call myself ugly and question why I can't get a good girlfriend, and then that's pretty much it. That tends to last a could days altogether. Is that kind of strage to you? Or is that how quickly most guys experience any grief. It just reminds me of how unemotional I was about my Grandmother's death last fall. Didn't cry. Didn't do much of anything, just took it in stride pretty much. Does this make me somewhat emotionally disturbed or handicapped?
Lastly, I'm finding out that I have some pretty strict requirements for friendships. And if I actually followed these requirements to the letter, I'd probably have no friends. Maybe one or two. Mostly I think I have acquaintances, not friends. I have one or two requirements that differentiate between the two. The most important one is this, and it's actually quite reasonable I think. Someone is a friend when they do one act on a consistent basis, they initiate contact with me sometimes instead of just me being the one to initiate conversations. I think that this shows that they care about how you are doing, what is going on in your life. If I judged all of the people I know based on this, I have one or two real honest friends. The second requirement, is what I talk about with the people. If it goes beyond talking about the weather, going through the motions, then it's a friendship and not an acquaintance. While I have a few people I actually talk to about important aspects of my life, I have more people in this than I do that actually message or call me. Maybe I hold my friends to too high of a bar. Should I lower my standards? Should I compromise?
If this has offended anyone because of what I've written I apologize, but I've been offended for far longer by the poor showing of the people I have called friends. If you no longer wish to be friends or even talk to me, that is within your right and I am sorry that that is your decision. I just find the lack of showing towards me of people I thought were friends as deeply hurtful and highly offensive. Why should I receive any less than other friends you might have? Why should I accept less? To do so would mean for me to not respect myself as a friend and as a person.
Been feeling the regrets about going back to Morgantown again. Starting to think that while the program was a good reason to go back, that that is really the only good reason I had to go back there. I also went back to Motown because I wouldn't have to go about making any new friends. I already had friends there. But, when I came back, they had pretty much moved on without me in the picture. Only a few friendships have remained as strong as they were when I was in undergrad. And two friendships I've pretty much turned sour, and not sure why I'm still even friends with them. Well one anyways. The other one, we're going to try and make an effort to do more things together. As was stated by her, we make a good team. We actually do.
Just way too many bad memories are building up in that town, and I just wish it was June already so I could get out. My friendships aren't doing what they should for me. Instead of giving me strength, they often only give me stress. I'm getting more stress from friends than I am from my damn graduate program. What's horrible, is that I'm looking forward to getting a job someplace else. Sad isn't it? I want the real world. Anything has got to be better than this right?
Wondering why I haven't mentioned the gf? Well most of you already know about that situation already so I'm not going to mess with it anymore on this.
Was talking with a female friend of mine today, and she was talking about a guy that she met and was really nice at first, but isn't calling her now. Telling me how all boys suck. Well atleast only the ones that aren't genuinely nice to her after awhile. She's a great girl, too bad she's off limits, cause I'm developing a bit of a crush.
I guess what this year is teaching me is something good and worthwhile. I'm learning skills for my career, of course, but I'm talking about learning things about what I want in life.
While I know that stress is a constant in anyone's life, I know I can handle stress. I also know that I tend to handle it well up to a certain amount. Work related stress, I'm fine with, I deal with it. What I am unable to deal with is stress coming from places it should not reside. I should not be feeling stressed about friends and friendships.
I'm learning that I do not want a casual fling with a girl. I'm way passed that point in my life. In fact I completely skipped that point in my life. Or maybe that casual fling exacerbated itself with one girl. Alayna. She had no long term potential. She was in all actuality, a horrible person for me. She was just someone to fill the other side of the bed at night.
I'm also learning that I don't want a serious relationship right now. And what I mean is that while I do want the relationship, I'm not ready for the commitment that comes with one of those relationships. Saying this is all well and good. It just keeps me from looking too far down the road. I have no idea where I'll be in 6 months. Why should I get into something that serious when I don't know where I'm going to be setting up home? All I do know is I want to stay around DC. That's where the jobs I'm interested in are. While I'm not going to get into anything serious right from the start, I'm also not stupid enough to keep that door closed from the start.
I'm finding out that I might be a bit on the side of a sociopath. And when I say that, what I mean is that I tend to go through the motions of breakup very quickly. And I'm not usually very emotional about it. About all I do is I get angry, quite pissed off actually, screw up a couple of friendships, call myself ugly and question why I can't get a good girlfriend, and then that's pretty much it. That tends to last a could days altogether. Is that kind of strage to you? Or is that how quickly most guys experience any grief. It just reminds me of how unemotional I was about my Grandmother's death last fall. Didn't cry. Didn't do much of anything, just took it in stride pretty much. Does this make me somewhat emotionally disturbed or handicapped?
Lastly, I'm finding out that I have some pretty strict requirements for friendships. And if I actually followed these requirements to the letter, I'd probably have no friends. Maybe one or two. Mostly I think I have acquaintances, not friends. I have one or two requirements that differentiate between the two. The most important one is this, and it's actually quite reasonable I think. Someone is a friend when they do one act on a consistent basis, they initiate contact with me sometimes instead of just me being the one to initiate conversations. I think that this shows that they care about how you are doing, what is going on in your life. If I judged all of the people I know based on this, I have one or two real honest friends. The second requirement, is what I talk about with the people. If it goes beyond talking about the weather, going through the motions, then it's a friendship and not an acquaintance. While I have a few people I actually talk to about important aspects of my life, I have more people in this than I do that actually message or call me. Maybe I hold my friends to too high of a bar. Should I lower my standards? Should I compromise?
If this has offended anyone because of what I've written I apologize, but I've been offended for far longer by the poor showing of the people I have called friends. If you no longer wish to be friends or even talk to me, that is within your right and I am sorry that that is your decision. I just find the lack of showing towards me of people I thought were friends as deeply hurtful and highly offensive. Why should I receive any less than other friends you might have? Why should I accept less? To do so would mean for me to not respect myself as a friend and as a person.