He leaves tomorrow.
And I'm doing my damnedest to be really great about it - and all I want to do is scream and cry and be mad about it. I want to be the kind of strong, brave woman my mom was - she watched my dad leave every week, be home for a day or two at the most and then leave again and she always managed to keep it all together. I never EVER understood how she did it. Now, I cant believe how incredible that was for her to be able to do. I really WANT to be that kind of woman - and yet I'm failing miserably. Every time I think about him leaving tomorrow I start to tear up. We've had an amazing time together over the past few months - we've spent a lot of good quality time together - as much as I could possibly manage - and I'm trying really hard to focus on how much I have to be thankful for and how far we've come and how well we're doing.
Part of me wants him to get up there and have a GREAT time, to really love what he's doing, and not to miss me a lick. I want him to really embrace and enjoy the experience - and I'm proud of him for doing it. That's the 'good Jess'
The "bad and selfish" Jess wants him to miss me terribly. I want him to hate it up there. I'm jealous of all of the fantastic things he's going to get to do and see and experience all without me. He has this whole amazing plan of all the things he's going to do over the next few years - and when I'm in the 'bad me' place all I can do is look and see that none of these things include me. Yeah, I know it was my choice - it still sucks. I want him to wake up in the morning, realize that he has no desire at all to go through with this move and decide to stay here. He wont - and even if he did I'd feel miserable knowing that *I* was why he walked away from something he has to do for himself - but it doesnt make it easier.
And then the 'Good Jess' kicks in again and reminds me of all of the wonderful things I want for him - with or without me there to experience them with him. How much I truly do love him and sometimes that means doing the really HARD things.
This is one of those really fucking hard things. Its been this back-and-forth thing - its drug out for months - and now that its here, it hardly feels real, and yet its as real as it gets folks. He's leaving in less than 12 hours and I cant stop him, - moreover I wont try to stop him - and I'm going to be supportive and loving and strong - and its going to hurt like hell - and I know it and there's nothing at all I can do about it.
And then this comes on my mp3 shuffle... fuck me.
"Last Night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you
One more day, One more time
One more sunset and maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do is pray for time to stop.
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you..."
--- One More Day, Lonestar
Part of me wants him to get up there and have a GREAT time, to really love what he's doing, and not to miss me a lick. I want him to really embrace and enjoy the experience - and I'm proud of him for doing it. That's the 'good Jess'
The "bad and selfish" Jess wants him to miss me terribly. I want him to hate it up there. I'm jealous of all of the fantastic things he's going to get to do and see and experience all without me. He has this whole amazing plan of all the things he's going to do over the next few years - and when I'm in the 'bad me' place all I can do is look and see that none of these things include me. Yeah, I know it was my choice - it still sucks. I want him to wake up in the morning, realize that he has no desire at all to go through with this move and decide to stay here. He wont - and even if he did I'd feel miserable knowing that *I* was why he walked away from something he has to do for himself - but it doesnt make it easier.
And then the 'Good Jess' kicks in again and reminds me of all of the wonderful things I want for him - with or without me there to experience them with him. How much I truly do love him and sometimes that means doing the really HARD things.
This is one of those really fucking hard things. Its been this back-and-forth thing - its drug out for months - and now that its here, it hardly feels real, and yet its as real as it gets folks. He's leaving in less than 12 hours and I cant stop him, - moreover I wont try to stop him - and I'm going to be supportive and loving and strong - and its going to hurt like hell - and I know it and there's nothing at all I can do about it.
And then this comes on my mp3 shuffle... fuck me.
"Last Night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you
One more day, One more time
One more sunset and maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do is pray for time to stop.
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you..."
--- One More Day, Lonestar